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2 blogs in 2 days! Rock Climbing, Ramadan, Negativity, and Alcohol

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Hi There,

Here I am again! managing to do a little more than just track.

I had a great workout and a 2 great realizations today (not bad, right?):

workout = all my PT strength exercises (all core stuff for my back and hip, my core is getting stronger than ever!)

Realization #1: I was reading about 2 local Spark friends who went rock climbing last weekend. This is something I've really been wanting to do, and I was both jealous and newly interested in pursuing it. Only later did I realize that my negative voice, unbeknownst to me, had this to say (it is just so under the radar that I thought all of this without realizing I was thinking it!):
"well you can go rock climbing, but NOT with Jamie (a Sparkfriend I've gotten together with a few times), because she has done so much better than you, she's now way skinnier than you, and a lot stronger than you, so you would, at least you SHOULD, be ashamed to try to do something like that in front of her. She will look good and strong and you will look fat, pathetic, and ridiculous. So go rock climbing, but NOT with her!" I should point out that Jamie is really the sweetest, kindest, least judgmental person you would EVERY meet. For real, these thoughts have NO basis in reality!
Then today I realized that I have gone rock climbing before in my life, when I weighed almost 300 pounds, didn't know what I was doing, with a bunch of people who had never been overweight and were skinny and active since birth. At that point in my life I did all kinds of physically challenging and new things (with trepidation, but still). So why, 80 pounds lighter would I be all, "I'm not good enough". I'm stronger than ever. And lighter than almost ever.
It was good to realize again that my negative voice is tricky and sneaky and ever-pervasive. It lurks and waits to grab, and it's had a lot to grab in the past year. Gaining back 15 to 20 pounds has been hard on my esteem! But realizing this makes me want to kick the *ss of my negative voice. So it's time for daily pep talks, beginning today!

Realization #2: A long time ago I did a fast for Ramadan (as a means of being an ally to the Muslim community). For that fast, Muslims do not eat while the sun is up. During that time, I felt SO liberated. It was amazing to just NOT think about food at all, it was (literally) taken off the plate. It also, sadly, made me realize how much energy I put into thinking about eating, not eating, what to eat, etc. This was at my highest weight. A week into this alcohol fast, I realize that I have been spending a lot of brain power and emotional energy around alcohol. My partner said it's like I was deprived of something very basic as a child, and have felt the need to ensure I will not ever be deprived again. Both with food and alcohol there is a constant line of worry, "will I get enough" "will I be satiated" "what if I don't get enough". I realized today that there is a lot more room in my brain without alcohol, or rather the wondering of how much and when and how. This is also a very low-level, subconscious thing, but it takes up space, you know? The good thing is, I know it hasn't always, at least where alcohol is concerned. So I am hopeful that I can at some point begin drinking socially again in a more relaxed, controlled manor. But we'll see. I'm taking this experiment one week at a time for now.

That's a lot!
And while all this has been going on, I have quietly had 3 days in the lower/middle of my range! Act as if has worked so well for me so many times before. In a week or so, I will forget again that this was so rough.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have also done a Ramadan fast and I did not find it nearly as difficult as a Yom Kippur fast ... sunset to sunset no food but I did drink water. A Jewish friend of mine suggested it (challenged me) when I was observing Lent one year. Her comment was, "For your Good Friday fast, you should have to do what we do. I think that would be in the true spirit of the season." So from beginning of Mass on Holy Thursday to after Service on Good Friday no food. It really concentrated my attention on the Passion story in a way I had never tried before.

    I don't mean to suggest that the Ramadan fast was easy. At least the Yom Kippur/Good Friday fast was only one day. I only made it through about 10 days of the Ramadan fast. The old habits overwhelmed me and I guess that is part of the point.
    1802 days ago
    Yep, have felt similarly when I've done 1-3 days of fasting...if I could only just TURN OFF THE NEED FOR FOOD! Life could be so much simpler, no? Ugh!

    Re: negativity...kicking it's * another form of negativity. I used to have a Dutch Uncle part of me that would clobber myself back on track. I'm not so sure that works for me anymore. Still struggling with food. With my therapist's help I think I've unearthed some old unhealthy lessons that I'm trying to counter with meditative breathing and positive, growthful messages for myself. It's still in fledgling stages, but am hoping this will help me go the distance.

    AND I finally tossed a blog together! Dunno where all that blogging motivation went. We'll see if I can keep 'er going... ;-)


    ps...I remember doing some very basic rock climbing (more like following a path) out north of Las Vegas a few years ago in the Red Rocks area.
    1934 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/8/2013 11:05:58 PM
    First of all, I'm blushing from all the nice comments. Second, I'm positive you'd kick my butt at rock climbing! I know you're super strong from all that ST you focused on when you couldn't do anything else!

    I'm so proud of you for all your insights and thoughtfulness. As usual, your blog has got me pondering a lot of deep thoughts. Thanks for that!! And congrats on your successes!
    1935 days ago
    anjii, you are MORE THAN WELCOME anytime to go rock climbing with us!!! we both looked ridiculous doing it and it was awesome! you are NEVER not good enough to try new things and adventures! congrats on your 2 day blogs! you're doing wonderful. 1 day, 1 choice at a time... thats my motto. emoticon
    1935 days ago
    This is an awesome blog!! I love your realizations and thoughts and the fact that you REALIZE how your negativity is creeping up on you. Keep up the good work!!

    sincerely, Riisa emoticon
    1936 days ago
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