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Loving yourself/myself

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Today my friend wrote about self-love for the month of February. She is an awesome person and really has some great points in this blog.


Self-love. What does that really mean? How can you get it if you don’t have it? What is it worth? Why is it so hard to remember to love ourselves?

Do I love myself? Most of the time I do, however, I don’t often treat myself that way. I almost always put myself last and other’s feelings and needs before my own. When I do decide to take the time for myself, to do what I want, I almost always end up feeling guilty. Why is that? What is it that drives me to feel that way? Well, I could blame my parents. They raised me that way. Both of my parents (whom I love dearly and are great people) did/do the same. I learned that lesson a little too well I think. I always think about how others will feel if I do/don’t do something.

My friends see things in me that I don’t see. They say I am strong, sometimes one of the strongest people they know. But I don’t feel strong. I feel like a dishrag most days, all limp and wrung out. I often feel like I can barely get through the day without the help of others, without their encouragement, or physical help. I feel so needy inside but don’t know how to ask for what I need. In fact I’m not really sure what it is that I do need. What would make me happy? What would make me feel fulfilled and loving and worthwhile? What can I do to make it happen when I’m not sure what “it” is?

I’m tired of being a doormat for others to use (and then often discard after). I’m tired of being in the background and often ignored. I’m tired of being passed over for anything. I’m ready, today, I’m ready to learn to be more assertive. To be more for me, to take the time and care I need without excuses. Without fear of losing others. To see myself as I want to be and then DO it.

This is scary. Admitting it out loud. I DO LOVE ME! I want the best for me. I want to be surrounded by friends, I want to be the first one picked and not just an add on (which I often feel like). I want to find my passions and then proceed to make it happen. The problem is that I have lived in the shadows for so long I’m not sure how. I’ve given most of my life to pleasing others; to trying to be someone else. I’m a chameleon.

Many of you won’t think so because you only know; the me you see here or have met once. Jenny & Kat know only the bubbly giggly me they met at the Color Run last year. Kat even mentioned she wanted to see more of that on the threads. Well, I was that way because she and Jenny and their families were, they are loud and real and we had a fantastic time.

But as soon as they and their energy were gone so was mine. I went home took a shower, ate some lunch and basically collapsed. They weren’t there to see me crawl into bed for 2 – 3 hours after the walk. They weren’t there the next several days as I tried to keep that energy up (and mostly fail).

My best friend wanted us to come up and go swimming, or even just hang out that weekend. I know we didn’t that day and I’m not sure we did that weekend at all. After being that “up” I crashed. I hate that. I want that lively, bubbly, giggly girl back. Maybe not all the time, but it would be nice to see her more than once or twice a year.

So today, my BFF & I are heading down to Disneyland to walk through the clues for this year’s Minnie’s Moonlight Madness Scavenger Hunt, the annual charity fundraiser for the Disney Employees. I can’t tell you much about it right now. I will have more details after the February 28th, when the event is completed. Because spies are everywhere and part of the fun is for the participants (all 1,400 of them) to discover the clues on that night. See they close Disneyland (or California Adventure) early and then once the park is cleared and the participants are secluded doing the written trivia quiz we set up our clues and they come through the park finding things, getting the clues answers and having fun. It runs from 9 PM through midnight.

It’s always a blast. I have so much fun but again I crash the next day. Well, obviously because of the late hour we get home (somewhere around 2 AM usually) the next day I’ll be tired. But it is also more than that I feel drained when I should feel energized from all that energy. I always take the next day off from work because I know I won’t be able to function. Which reminds me, I must put in the time off request today. OK. Done.

Oh, I used to be that bubbly, giggly, lively girl back when I was a child. But I grew out of it so to speak when I was 10. But that’s another blog that I’ve done in the past, more than once I expect. I want to be that way more without the consequences I experience now. I no longer want to be that chameleon that fits into any environment, changing with the situation because that’s the only way I know how to be accepted. I would probably make a fantastic actress. I can be anything and anyone as long as I have clues of how people want me to be.

I lead my life so much in fantasy. I read extensively and not nonfiction. I read to escape who I am and what’s going on around me. I role play for the same reasons and I’m pretty good at it, especially if I create a good solid background and motivations for the character. Again, that’s the chameleon in me, pleasing everyone else. I’m happy playing any character, especially those that others don’t want to play because it makes everyone else happy. Lately I’ve been trying to do that less and pick my character first, before I find out what others are thinking. It’s worked out OK most of the time.

But I am putting off stating what I want, what I need to become who I want to be. It’s all distraction for me. Because when I start thinking about what I want for me, what I want to do and become my heart starts beating faster. My stomach starts getting butterflies and my mind starts drifting to other things. Because I truly do not know what I want or need to be me anymore. I’ve gotten so good at being what other want and expect that I don’t know how to find who I am.

I LOVE ME. Just the way I am. I am worthy and special. I am not just Dave’s wife or best friend of… or the “good” daughter. I am me and I am worthy of love and respect just because I am. I spread sunshine and help people. I have a very messy home. I put other’s before myself. I keep saying I want to be Kal or BJo or Kat or mama Kal when I grow up. Because I see all of these and more as real no nonsense, tell it like it is people who could care less if you like them. If you don’t like them it’s no skin off their nose, it’s your loss not theirs.

Well, I doubt I will ever be that person. But I can be the best me and stop worrying so much about what others think. I can be proud to be who I am and not try to be… my sister (deceased), a herald, Bjo, Kat or Kal or anyone else. I need to focus on being the best ME! I see myself differently than what the camera reflects. I still see me when I was young and active and pretty (never stunning, or beautiful mind you as I look more like the girl next door).

So do you love you? If not let’s work on becoming the people we are proud to be. However, know this that you are my friend. And you are beautiful and worthy and loved. Because I love you. Just. The. Way. You. Are.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Gosh I couldn't write this any better myself. You share so many of my feelings. My older grandchildren tell me how pretty I am and don't see me as fat but my little grand babies will tell me I have a big butt. I can't seem to love me either. I have always stayed on the back burner. Now I have a bad back more overweight than in my youth.
    I have overcome holding my thoughts to myself. Sunday I told my grandson to pack her things and go back home to her parents until my grandson grew up and accepted his responsibilities. She dropped out of 12 grade 2 weeks ago and is pregnant . She got pregnant so she could leave home. She promised me she would transfer to the school here and he promised to stop drinking and hasn't. No,I have no problem now speaking my mind. Jack always puts me first. This morning he and I sat down and talked about me a diet and both of us to start walking. Still I don't love me. We both have to work on this and there will be a day we can come back to this blog and say we found the way to love our self.
    1951 days ago
    Wow so deep and so honest. You were created with a purpose and a destiny...you are loved. You are lovable. You are loving. You are my friend who I love to call C...
    Just be you and the rest will be fabulous....
    Nan emoticon
    1956 days ago
    a wonderful revelation and I am so happy you can love ouy just te way youare!!

    1956 days ago
    Oh wow. You are describing me in so many ways. I am a text-book example of an introvert - I can be 'on' and outgoing - but afterwards I crash. I need alone time to figure out who I really am (not just the different roles that I adopt/adapt when around our people). I have to have time to sort through my thoughts, needs, wants, and goals - and it is so hard to do that when other people are crowding around with their own needs, wants, and expectations.

    There is nothing wrong with you - there is nothing wrong with taking time out to sort through yourself. I think you would like a book called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Won't Stop Talking." I don't remember who wrote it, but I started it a month ago and it has been so liberating to recognize that I'm not the only person in the world who crashes after a lot of social interaction and feels as if they have to wear an 'extroverted mask' most of the time.
    1961 days ago
    Love and hugs coming your way, hon, cuz you just spoke right to my heart. It is so hard for so many of us to be true to ourselves, and not be subsumed by everyone around us, or keep trying to fulfill people's expectations that we be someone we are not. I think most, if not all, of us want to be loved for who we ARE, not who we might be, or who the other people around us want us to be. You have taken an important first step is putting this out there, in front of you and all of your sparkfriends, in black and white. In writing. It's scary, but I think you now have a much better sense of where you stand, and where you can start that search to find that person you want to be, again.

    And just for the record, I love you just as you are. I know it's tempting to believe that what we see of each other here, or on any social media, is the whole person, but it's not. And that's fine, since we can't share absolutely everything, nor may we want to. I may not know everything about you, but from what I do know, I love and care about you, and I truly hope that this journey will bring you closer to that person you want to be.

    1963 days ago
  • SAASHA17

    This Blog is what I feel most of the time..Cyndi its hard to accept it and move forward and u took that step...people who care enough love u for what u are as a person, an individual...so never ever think that way....u are an amazing person and keep at it...

    1963 days ago
    First and foremost....I love you for YOU Cyndi. You are beautiful inside and out.

    I've been ruminating about your blog all morning sweetie. Now you might want to be Kat because who wouldn't want to be Kat; she's cute and athletic and amazing and she brought us the BLC and Azure after all. She has an almost cult-like following of people who adore her.

    You know I have wished to be YOU and be a writer and to be creative enough to belong to some of the teams you do that require one ounce of imagination. But the thing is that isn't who *I* am so I just keep on being me and while I envy you your very special talents and encourage you to pursue them, I just have to be ME.

    And then I NEED to say that the person you see or THINK you see isn't always exactly the person you think she is. I can tell with complete honesty that speaking for myself *I* absolutely DO care if people like me and it hurts a lot when I put myself out there and feel invisible to some people and that happens pretty frequently. I did a blog not too long ago with a very specific "slide" at the end to a group of people and not one of them even read my blog much less saw the "Thank You" to them. :::shrug::: I get my feelings hurt pretty frequently in fact but it doesn't stop me from being me and putting myself out there. Maybe that's the Marine in me. I am what I am....and YOU are who YOU are - beautiful, talented with so very much to offer. PLEASE don't hide your special talents and light under a bushel basket. And don't let your past cloud your future. Seize the day! Tell Dave what you want. Tell your friends what you want. Tell US what you want. Live large and daring and BE!

    At some point you MUST do things for YOU and LOVE you first sweetie because you are so worth it! Those of us that know you and love you want wants best for you too!

    I'm glad you enjoyed the blog - now get out there and LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!
    1963 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/6/2013 10:17:08 AM
    emoticon Why is it, that we tend to put others before we consider ourselves. You are an awesome person...so I am glad you are trying to see that in yourself.
    1964 days ago
    I love you just the way you are!
    1964 days ago
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