Battle with Binge Eating! - Monday day 4
Monday, February 04, 2013
Recap: Binge free day 1/31 but didn't officially start my journey till 2/1.
Day 1 (2/1) - Binge Free Day, feeling motivated, 2nd binge free day in a row, not too hard since I was so fed up with my binging and I planned a binge day for 2/2. Planned a binge day because more then 2 binge free days in a row has me pulling my hair out and feeling bad about myself when I plan not to binge and fail. Weekends are hard so I'm taking the first weekend off and planning some binge days to gain control over my binging. I'm deciding, I'm controlling the binging, it's not controlling me. I'm taking baby steps so I don't burn out too fast, get discouraged, and quit all together. I'm doing things differently this time... focusing on progress not perfection. Also, knowing I have cheat days coming up helps me stay committed on my binge free days.
Day 2 (2/2) - Well, it's the weekend so that is always harder to eat healthy for me. I planned to binge today so it's fine. Oddly enough, I feel like I could "be good" if I really wanted to. I feel like maybe I should try to make it a binge free day. I also feel anxious, like I have energy to do something but there is nothing I want to do. I don't want to exercise, but I feel guilty that I should because I have some energy. I have plenty to do around the house, but I really don't want to. I don't feel like just lounging around either. I feel guilty that I could be doing so many productive things but I don't want to. I put together some things that I've been meaning to send to my cousin. Okay, that is something. At least I got that out of the way since I've been meaning to do it for over a month. Boboli pizza for dinner and now it's later so it's okay to relax. Now I'm less anxious. Planning a binge day during my journey to quit (or really cut back) binging feels so alien to me... but I like it because I feel like I really have a chance to succeed with this baby steps plan.
Day 3 (2/3) - I sort of planned a binge day. I figured super bowl Sunday would be too hard to "be good" so by default I planned to binge I guess. It doesn't feel as acceptable because I didn't exactly decide to binge, I decided I couldn't succeed. Whatever, it's super bowl Sunday and only day 3 and this will be a long journey full of successes, failures, learning opportunities, and most importantly discoveries about myself (which will hopefully give me insight into my triggers and what will help me beat binging - which is my ultimate goal). I don't want to exercise and feel like it's okay if I don't but I tell myself, I really did expect to exercise today and I'm trying to make excuses for myself because I don't feel like it to make it okay to skip my workout with the old thinking and excuses of "I'll start fresh Monday." That does it!!! I have to force myself to exercise because I planned to and because I am NOT falling into that old bad habit of giving into my excuses. If I planned a binge day yesterday and felt like maybe I could have resisted but stuck to my plan then I have to do it the other way too and stick to my plan of exercising even if I feel like I could skip it. I do my kettlebell workout and feel glad I'm off to a good start this week. Old habits creep in and I think that I didn't burn enough calories so I should do 20 minutes on the elliptical too, because then I'd burn 200 calories today and if I burn 200 cal x 5 days a week that is 1,000 calories off from exercise and if I cut 200 cal x 3 days a week from my diet that's 600 calories and 1,000 + 600 = 1,600 and that is almost 1/2 lb. off a week. No, no... I'm not getting caught in that old trap again... you have to do more or x amount for it "to count" and it's all or nothing and if I only burn 120 cal. a day or two I blew it for the week so I might as well give up and start fresh next week. No!!!!!!!! I'm not getting caught up in that vicious cycle anymore! This is about baby steps and progress, not perfection. Besides, the numbers don't always translate perfectly anyways and I'll lose more weight more quickly if I just keep at it rather then hit it hard for a day or two and then sit on the couch and stuff my face for the next three or four days and keep going like that. That hasn't worked for me and I'm doing it differently. Right now, it's more important for me to make progress changing my thinking and freeing myself from bad habits.