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And the Walls Came Crashing Down.....

Sunday, February 03, 2013

There is no such thing as perfection.

There, I said it!

I spent January pushing myself to be perfect with my goals. I wanted to reach them 100%. I had a wonderful month and hit my my goals every single day pushing myself to get my exercise done even when I was sick as a dog. When February 1st rolled around, I was proud to recap the month even if I still needed to tweak my eating habits a bit. I posted on my blog, tooting my own horn for all the world to see.

It's amazing how quickly my day changed. How quickly that 100% consistency track went into the toilet.

Life threw me a bad day. A very bad day. By the time I got out of work, my thoughts were off track. My hopes and dreams for myself became an inward battle. I doubted my worth. I doubted that I deserved to be good to myself. I was in a downward spiral into depression. It's not my first time on the depression merry-go-round; but, I've managed to hold it at bay for almost a year now. There's alot going on in my life. A job I hate. A disabled husband. Severe money issues that plague me every day. On Friday, all of this anger and bottled up emotions bubbled over the surface.

As usual, when this happens I turned against myself. I channeled all of that depression and anger inward. I hated myself. I still do. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I see a failure. I see someone who is not worthy enough to be loved by the family I keep failing in my attempts to stay above water. I'm drowing in debt. I'm overwhelmed. I feel hopeless. I see a very imperfect and flawed person.

I have not exercised or logged my food since Friday. Again, I'm a failure. I blew my exercise streak. I haven't even eaten anything since lunch on Friday. The internal battle is intense. Why bother working towards my February goals now when I've already failed at them? I need to find a way to get out of this depression. I've agreed to go see someone and get back on anti-depressants. It's a step in the right direction. And, now, I'm going to re-work my Spark goals for February. I can't keep looking at the goals I've already failed. It just makes me even more sad.

These were my goals for February:

Exercise every day
Complete month 2 of Insanity
Eat Healthy 80% of the time
Lose 5 lbs by end of month
100 Squats every day
Learn to scale the wall at the indoor climbing gym

These are my new goals for February:

Seek help for my depression and get back on meds
Continue into month 2 of Insanity beginning today.
Log at least 15 minutes of exercise every day
Eat every skipping meals

So, I've scaled the back my lofty goals to little baby steps in an effort to get myself back on track. Most important of the goals will be to deal with this depression. Exercising every day will be part of the plan to help with that as well as getting help and medications in place. I still feel like a SparkPeople failure; but, I am going to try to keep looking ahead and not dwell on what I have not accomplished. I will spend a few minutes each day looking at my successes no matter how small and try to keep building on them. And, ABOVE ALL...I will remeber that I am NOT perfect! I CANNOT be perfect! And, I WILL make mistakes!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Remember 2013 is your year! Life is a journey, and it keeps on going. Sometimes
    we all fall down and have to pick ourselves back up again. Please keep on Sparkin'.

    1934 days ago
  • BEWELL48
    Remember the saying "Progress not Perfection". Be gentle with yourself. Life will continue to through us curves. So much is out of our control.
    1935 days ago
    I am so sorry you feel this way! No one deserves to be so miserable...

    I know you may feel like a failure or whatever, but as a complete stranger to you, I have to tell you you are inspiring...I read over a few of your blogs and the amount that you so, the results that you see, the commitment that you can make, and everything that you work through, is amazing to say the least....

    Do not let a bad day ruin everything...maybe you need to reconsider things, but never make a drastic decision when you aren't happy, because you probably won't like the consequences of it when you are happy again....

    I know when I get bad days, I stand in front of a mirror with a dry erase marker....on one side, I write down everything I see and I feel....on the other, I write down what I know I am and what I want to be....then I erase whatever word from either side I don't like, I've only erased one word from the good column before....but I leave it there til I get out of my funk...til I know that I appreciate myself...til I'm strong enough to face the world again...

    I don't know what your going through, and I'm sorry I feel like giving you advice, I just ow that when I saw your comment on my blog, that little ray of hope that I can do this and someone else is out there cheering me on, just made my day a little better...

    Simply trying to repay the kindness you showed to me!


    1936 days ago
    I understand about wanting the perfection. Congratulations on being able to embrace the idea that it just isn't possible~ We will have "perfect" days and days that are far from that lofty goal. Good for you for having the strength and courage to revise your goals and seek the help and support you need. Remember, you can revise those goals again as things change. Take good care of yourself!

    emoticon emoticon
    1936 days ago
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