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The Reality of this all

Friday, February 01, 2013

I have tried writing and rewriting this blog several times and I can't seem to make it work and say what I want to say, what I REALLY want to say, need to say. So instead of getting cute with words, I am going to come right out and say it.

I suck. I am a fake. I am a phony. I say one thing when I am really feeling another.

Okay, to be fair with myself, I didn't just decide this overnight. I have taken a much needed deliberate step away from Spark. I have considered deleting my account and starting over, from scratch and then I thought that was a dumb idea. I just celebrated my six year sparkversary. I have grown and changed a lot over the last six years. I have gone through plateaus, success, maintenance, pregnancy and now here I sit once again, moaning and groaning over the things that don't change. I have come and gone and been in and out of the back and forth game of doing what works versus intuitive eating. The back and forth. The pendulum...

Fact of the matter is this: I am tired of being where I am. Stuck. Unchanging. For one year, the scale has read 155. Dress it up as I may, here is what it is: I want to change. I am not happy being where I am. I am not happy with just settling. Yes, they're vanity pounds, I get that. No, I am not at an unhealthy weight. Do I know what I need to do to change? Yes. It is the simplistic 80/20 principle. 80% of the equation comes from the food I put into my mouth 20% is from exercise. I have exercise down, I love it. I crave it. Eating has been my Achilles's heel. Fact of the matter is this: if I want to change, I have to track my food. It sucks. It does. I hate it. I do. But the time has come that I need to evaluate what I want. What do I want? Am I happy with the status quo? No. I want to change. I want to wear my smaller clothes. The sizes I worked so hard to get into a few years before. I can't ignore that.

Intuitive eating has its place. For me, it has been a place for me to turn out of frustration and irritation. I have noticed the pattern over the last year and a half. I decide to track, loosely, get frustrated when I don't see results and decide to turn back to intuitive eating because it is the way for me to justify not tracking, not caring about what the scale says or where I am. It has been a cop out for me. This is hard for me to admit and say out loud, but there it is in black and white. I said it. It is out there.

So what am I going to do? What do I WANT to do?

It is simple, I am going to buckle down and track, lose the last of this weight and move back into maintenance.

I have been back to tracking. Every bite that goes into my mouth, goes into my tracker. That has been my goal for this last week and will continue to be over the course of the time that it takes to reach my goal. I can do this and I will do this. I have reached a focus and a clarity that I haven't had in some time. It hasn't come out of frustration or irritation but rather from just what I want for myself. I want to feel strong and fit and lean. I am not basing my goals out of left field or some unattainable reality, but rather off of what I have been able to accomplish in the past, how I have felt in the past and what I know I can do.

So there it is, in black and white. I said it. The thoughts of starting over, going back from square one, from the beginning were great to me, but in all reality, it would be another way of ducking the truth. Afterall it is the past experiences that build who we are and what we are. Learning from our past mistakes and trying not to repeat them. Finding the strength to move on and admit those mistakes but work on doing what I can to be what I want is what its all about. I have the tools and the knowledge to do what needs to be done, now for the task of implementing them.

I have to laugh and remember my crazy journey:
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Fortunately, they don't make you sign up for life with intuitive eating.
    When it works for you great - when it doesn't . . . try something new.

    I think you can use some of the IE principles with other tactics.
    Good luck!
    2443 days ago
    I don't think your phony at all. I know you love IE, but, maybe, it is a maintenance phase? you do seem happier when you are able to be more free. but, i think sometimes to make change, you have to take a different, less comfortable path. I am struggling right now with healthy snack or snack, eat when I am hungry or eat because its been 3 hours...just hard. I know that as you start over and put all of your effort into it, you are going to do good. And, all of us spark friends will be there to support and cheer you on :)
    2444 days ago
  • no profile photo CINDYTW
    I don't think you are a phony at all. I think you have struggled to find the right thing for you as most of us do, and I love the honesty in your blogs. You are not the "sunshine and roses" type if it isn't true, at least not from where I am sitting.
    2444 days ago
  • no profile photo FLGIRL_4EVER
    You know my thoughts through all our private conversations, so I won't repeat. But I will repeat that you are not a fake/phony, you are human and really an inspiration to us all. You are willing to take chances, that comes from a strong person, you are willing to admit that something isn't working, that makes you an honest person. I don't know about you, but an inspirational, honest, strong woman is a pretty AMAZING woman!!! Proud to call you my friend and I am really proud of YOU!
    2444 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    Maybe, for you, IE comes in once you hit your maintenance weight. Once you're there, you'll be able to follow IE and stay there. I know that's where you've been the happiest and the most comfortable. I know that you've been back and forth on this thing, but that doesn't make you a fake or a phony. It just makes you another person trying to find out what formula works specifically for them. I applaud your strength in continually re-evaluating and making the changes you think will work.
    2444 days ago
    ALP....you have to follow what you know to be the truth for yourself. You've been through a lot of changes and have a lot of knowledge. The path is not always flat and straight. I feel you are moving forward and can hear the certainty in your voice about this choice. Of course, whatever you do, you are special and have many friends that wish you only the BEST for YOU! Thanks for being so honest and sharing.
    2444 days ago
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