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This Day

Friday, February 01, 2013

So, this day is leaving me filled with various thoughts, emotions and moods. This is the day that my youngest daughter was born 23 years ago(bitter sweet). Her father and I had ended our relationship before she was born(actually I ended it with him) he was cheating. My pregnancy was not planned nor was the act itself consensual (if you know what I mean) so I was very angry but I did not want to take that anger out on an innocent life. Ironic this is how my first pregnancy 6 years prior, occurred the only difference is I was a young teenager who had only met this guy one other time before when he walked me home from a recreational center. The second time he took me two blocks from my home to someone's house and locked me in a dark attic where I could not see or leave until he did what he came to do. This still angers me from time to time even though my son is almost 30. Needless to say my relationship with him as well as my youngest is daughter is strained to say the least..

So for 23 years I've been struggling with this weight issue. Up and down with my weight being at it's highest 199 and never getting any lower then 162 and that was with an extensive diet I was on. I really don't think that I will ever get to a weight that I'm comfortable with It just does not seem possible the older I get. I hate my body, and right now I'm not liking my life very much (unemployed, fat and getting very discouraged). Today I just wanted to eat, eat because it is cold in this house, eat because it is cold outside, eat because I feel that my life is on hold and I can't do anything. I'm afraid to spend any money other than whats an absolute necessity so the things that I may want to do (get my hair done or buy myself an outfit) I just cant afford to do.

My kids are all grown and they have their own life's drama, (some they even try to pull me into) so I'm not expecting much help from them. I don't mean to sound negative but they have their own issues to deal with so I don't expect them to "rescue me" when they are not in a position to do so. And I have a fiancee' and things are ok for the most part but I need to shake him up a bit to get him more motivated when it comes to certain things/responsibilities and now his teenage daughter who is lazy for lack of a more polite word wants to come live with him, since she "hates her mother" and thinks that living with Dad is going to be the answer to her princess prayers ( she attempts to make him appeal to her every whim and knows that she has him wrapped around her finger) I don't want to become the step monster but someone has to put their foot down to keep him focused and not fooled by "daddy's little girl" (give me a break).. Any way I feel a little better puking out all this junk that's been resonating in my brain. And I only managed to eat a cupcake, a bowl of chilli with lots of cheese and a small piece of sandwich steak with a little bit of white rice. I guess I better track it since I haven't been doing well in that area and exercise forget it....

Hope tomorrow turns out to be a better day...
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  • BREN1963
    I wiil send positive thoughts your way. I am dealing with a few of your issues my only saving grace is my desire to get better mentaly and physical they work hand in hand. I work out 5 days a week can not afford a gym so I bought dvds online and found a few at target on sale. I get lost in the workout and at night before bed I do relaxation yoga..... it is helping alot. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Thinking of u
    1940 days ago
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