I know I am not supposed to say this...
Friday, February 01, 2013
but I am not happy with my body. I was going to say hate, but that's not the complete truth either. I know I am going to get a bunch of people telling me it doesn't matter, I look great, I'm healthy, etc. Even though I get all that, I am still disappointed--at this point--in how my body looks.
Now, I know I was big. I was over 300 pounds. I know that because I've been overweight or obese my whole life that I'll have extra skin. I knew that in the beginning, and I certainly do not expect to have a perfect body. Yes, I would rather have this extra skin than be as heavy as I was. Still...
What sucks is that I feel like I have worked so incredibly hard for almost 3 years, and I am STILL fat. No, I am not huge anymore, but I'm not small either. It's not even really my size that bothers me so much as how I am shaped. I am short and have big hips and I'll never be tiny, I don't expect to be. But my stomach. UGH It looks terrible. Everyone tells me I am exaggerating about how bad it is, but they aren't seeing it naked. Clothed, I don't feel like I look so bad, although some clothes accentuate the unevenness of it. It's hard to explain, but imagine I had 2 big tires around my middle that have now been greatly deflated. They hang, and not evenly. It's like layers of lumpy dough hanging off me. You can't even see my belly button because of how the top "tire" hangs over it. I can take the big piles of skin and stretch them way up. Because of my tires, it's hard to find clothes that fit well, and underwear. The pants will fit great in the legs but be too tight in the waist. Even if they aren't tight in the waist, my stomach still hangs over them, so I have a muffin top no matter what, unless I pull my pants up to my boobs.
Underneath my arms I have huge batwings. They look awful and I hate wearing short sleeves because of them. I am glad it's winter now. Not only does the skin hang, it has a weird, scarred appearance. I have awesome muscles too, and it's a shame that they aren't really noticeable.
I am happy with my legs from the knee down. They are very muscular from running, and my shin and ankle bones even stick out now, but my inner thighs have a bunch of loose skin that hangs. I have loose skin around where my boobs have shrunk, and on my back. It hangs over my bra no matter what kind of bra I get.
Why am I telling you all this? I don't know why really. To vent, I guess. I wish that people would understand how hard I've worked, and to know I will never even have an average looking body makes me sad. When I started out, health was my main goal. It still is, but I am healthy now. Every single one of my labs was perfect and my Dr said I am the picture of good health. So, now this last 30 some pounds is pure vanity, I suppose.
There is a part of me that can totally understand why people lose 100 or more pounds and gain it back. I've had those thoughts (briefly) myself. You work so hard and still don't feel like you look good, so you think, "What's the point? I have worked so hard and I'll still never be able to wear the clothes I want or feel happy with how I look. I still look abnormal."
I read a lot of weight loss blogs and I know of a lot of people who say their loose skin doesn't bother them. I wish I had their confidence. Maybe I am shallow, but it bothers me, and I feel I have the right not to like it. It's a constant reminder of where I was, and who I no longer am. Three years ago I never would have thought it would bother me this much, but it does. Never in my life have I felt confident in my appearance, and I really don't think I ever will. It's sad, but true.
Yes, I feel like I look better than I did 3 years ago. I know how much I have accomplished, and I am extremely proud of that. I know that I am a fit healthy person capable of doing much more physically than most of the people I know, but I don't feel my looks match how I am inside. People tell me I am an inspiration and I am flattered they think that. Everyone keeps telling me the skin will get better over time. I am sure it will improve, but I know it's not going to look normal. I've read and seen too many photos of people with similar issues. When you're overweight your whole life, it's different than someone who gains weight during a pregnancy and then loses it. My skin has been stretched out a lot longer.
I'm not trying to be a downer. I know not everyone who has lost weight has horrible skin, and they are lucky. I feel like mine looks terrible. It's like my new fit body is trapped inside an 85 year old woman's body, where things are hanging and sagging and wrinkled. It depresses me. That is just the truth and how I feel. I try hard every day not to let it bother me.
There have been times I thought about taking a picture, just so I could show people how bad it really is. But, I can't, at least not yet. It's too embarrassing, and I never get undressed in front of people, so to even show part of my body terrifies me.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this. I think it sucks insurance companies won't pay for skin removal surgeries a lot of the time. Everyone tells me I should say it's causing me all these problems. And, while it does sometimes give me chaffing or rashes (one I had to get antibiotics for), it's more painful emotionally than anything. I can endure physical pain much more than emotional pain. It's annoying to me having it hang when I am trying to work out and I have to wear tight clothes when I do run and stuff, because it's too painful when I don't.
There is really no point in this blog other than me just venting, and perhaps people who are going through something similar will be able to understand. It just sucks when you work your ass off, and still feel like it's not enough, and will never be enough.