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I know I am not supposed to say this...

Friday, February 01, 2013

but I am not happy with my body. I was going to say hate, but that's not the complete truth either. I know I am going to get a bunch of people telling me it doesn't matter, I look great, I'm healthy, etc. Even though I get all that, I am still disappointed--at this point--in how my body looks.

Now, I know I was big. I was over 300 pounds. I know that because I've been overweight or obese my whole life that I'll have extra skin. I knew that in the beginning, and I certainly do not expect to have a perfect body. Yes, I would rather have this extra skin than be as heavy as I was. Still...

What sucks is that I feel like I have worked so incredibly hard for almost 3 years, and I am STILL fat. No, I am not huge anymore, but I'm not small either. It's not even really my size that bothers me so much as how I am shaped. I am short and have big hips and I'll never be tiny, I don't expect to be. But my stomach. UGH It looks terrible. Everyone tells me I am exaggerating about how bad it is, but they aren't seeing it naked. Clothed, I don't feel like I look so bad, although some clothes accentuate the unevenness of it. It's hard to explain, but imagine I had 2 big tires around my middle that have now been greatly deflated. They hang, and not evenly. It's like layers of lumpy dough hanging off me. You can't even see my belly button because of how the top "tire" hangs over it. I can take the big piles of skin and stretch them way up. Because of my tires, it's hard to find clothes that fit well, and underwear. The pants will fit great in the legs but be too tight in the waist. Even if they aren't tight in the waist, my stomach still hangs over them, so I have a muffin top no matter what, unless I pull my pants up to my boobs.

Underneath my arms I have huge batwings. They look awful and I hate wearing short sleeves because of them. I am glad it's winter now. Not only does the skin hang, it has a weird, scarred appearance. I have awesome muscles too, and it's a shame that they aren't really noticeable.

I am happy with my legs from the knee down. They are very muscular from running, and my shin and ankle bones even stick out now, but my inner thighs have a bunch of loose skin that hangs. I have loose skin around where my boobs have shrunk, and on my back. It hangs over my bra no matter what kind of bra I get.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know why really. To vent, I guess. I wish that people would understand how hard I've worked, and to know I will never even have an average looking body makes me sad. When I started out, health was my main goal. It still is, but I am healthy now. Every single one of my labs was perfect and my Dr said I am the picture of good health. So, now this last 30 some pounds is pure vanity, I suppose.

There is a part of me that can totally understand why people lose 100 or more pounds and gain it back. I've had those thoughts (briefly) myself. You work so hard and still don't feel like you look good, so you think, "What's the point? I have worked so hard and I'll still never be able to wear the clothes I want or feel happy with how I look. I still look abnormal."

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and I know of a lot of people who say their loose skin doesn't bother them. I wish I had their confidence. Maybe I am shallow, but it bothers me, and I feel I have the right not to like it. It's a constant reminder of where I was, and who I no longer am. Three years ago I never would have thought it would bother me this much, but it does. Never in my life have I felt confident in my appearance, and I really don't think I ever will. It's sad, but true.

Yes, I feel like I look better than I did 3 years ago. I know how much I have accomplished, and I am extremely proud of that. I know that I am a fit healthy person capable of doing much more physically than most of the people I know, but I don't feel my looks match how I am inside. People tell me I am an inspiration and I am flattered they think that. Everyone keeps telling me the skin will get better over time. I am sure it will improve, but I know it's not going to look normal. I've read and seen too many photos of people with similar issues. When you're overweight your whole life, it's different than someone who gains weight during a pregnancy and then loses it. My skin has been stretched out a lot longer.

I'm not trying to be a downer. I know not everyone who has lost weight has horrible skin, and they are lucky. I feel like mine looks terrible. It's like my new fit body is trapped inside an 85 year old woman's body, where things are hanging and sagging and wrinkled. It depresses me. That is just the truth and how I feel. I try hard every day not to let it bother me.

There have been times I thought about taking a picture, just so I could show people how bad it really is. But, I can't, at least not yet. It's too embarrassing, and I never get undressed in front of people, so to even show part of my body terrifies me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this. I think it sucks insurance companies won't pay for skin removal surgeries a lot of the time. Everyone tells me I should say it's causing me all these problems. And, while it does sometimes give me chaffing or rashes (one I had to get antibiotics for), it's more painful emotionally than anything. I can endure physical pain much more than emotional pain. It's annoying to me having it hang when I am trying to work out and I have to wear tight clothes when I do run and stuff, because it's too painful when I don't.

There is really no point in this blog other than me just venting, and perhaps people who are going through something similar will be able to understand. It just sucks when you work your ass off, and still feel like it's not enough, and will never be enough.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Moonbird, I applaud you for being so open about what's going on in your mind. I have to tell you, the reason I read your blog is because I saw your feed about the points you won and then I went to your Sparkpage and saw your before and after photo and I thought you looked so terrific I had to read your most recent blog. In your blog you mention that insurance companies won't pay for the skin removal surgery a lot of the time. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Many years ago I went to a doctor to talk about breast reduction surgery because when I was pregnant with my son, my breasts grew double their size. A year after giving birth, they weren't as large but they were still big, plus they hung uncomfortably and caused me backaches. I discussed this with a plastic surgeon and he took photos of my breasts and wrote on the medical form that I had severe backaches and the insurance company paid for the surgery. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I would suggest you do this for yourself. You never know, the insurance company may pay. Having said all that, I think you look great, but I know that underneath the clothes, something else is always going on.
    2052 days ago
    You are speaking so loud and clear to so many of us. I hate my stomach and my boobs... oh my. I feel like they are all the way down to South America. Have you Really checked into skin removal? I have not and need to. I am just taking what others have said. I need to do some serious research. I think you should too. I do have to say that strength training helps. It does not fix the problem but it helps and muscles peak out around the fat. IT IS SO HARD..... hang in there sister.... I am right in there. emoticon
    2057 days ago
  • COFFEE_123456
    I'm sorry it is tough - glad you have a place to vent and get some feedback. Wish I could provide some helpful advice but all I've got here is a listening ear...
    2058 days ago
    Hugs girly, that is so brave of you for opening up like this!

    You hit the nail on the head so hard I was over here nodding my head off in agreement - it is easy to slide back when you still don't love yourself. I saw pictures of myself when I thought I was "skinny" and I'm like - ew, I will just never be fit, what's the point?

    These feelings are REAL.

    But you know what else is real? You can run like insane distances. Your body can carry you, it is thankful for the changes you have made, and it will continue to thank you as you age and it isn't struggling so hard. There are TONS of "skinny people" out there that can't say the same. Be proud of you, at least in some way, because you deserve it momma!
    2058 days ago
    emoticon The more I lose I 'looser' the skin sits. I get it.

    2058 days ago
    Hey so I did a little bit of research and you may have already seen these types of articles but I just wanted to add this one to it. There are a few different articles on this page. I haven't been as successful with my weight loss, actually gained back about 25 of the 48 I had lost, but I do worry in the end i will have loose skin. I also use lots of lotion as another sparker advised.


    Hope this gives you a little bit of good news.
    2059 days ago
  • RAMONA1954
    Sometimes you just have to say it. I can see exactly what you're saying because my late mother in law had the stomach stapling years and years ago and lost a ton of weight. She had extra skin everywhere.So I totally sympathize. Once I get down to where I want to be I'll have some too. She had plastic surgery and she was in a lot of physical pain from that. Surgery isn't an option for me. Yes it sucks what insurance will and won't pay for these days. Sending you bunches of hugs. You're a fantastic person and you've made outstanding progress. Don't let this get you too depressed.
    2059 days ago
    *HUGS* I can completely commiserate with you. I've actually been back sliding a bit lately and noticed 'hey my boobs are filling back out' and was almost happy if it hadn't been for noticing other bits of my filling out again too. Visual aspect aside (cause its not *just* vanity) it does feel better to be lighter and healthier. I have read it can take up to 2 years for skin to pull back, but even then it might not. I wish you luck. In my mind if I can make it to my goal and keep the weight off for 2 years it may just be worth it to spend those two years saving up for some sort of procedure to get rid of the extra skin.
    2059 days ago
    I think it is wonderful that you're strong enough to vent on a blog when others might just do exactly what you're talking about--giving up. I think it's good that you keep it in your mind that you have worked so hard for so long, and no matter what the reason, if you're not being comfortable or hapy in your own body, it seems obvious to me that you don't want to let all that time and energy be for nothing by going back down that path.

    I don't think you're vain to want to feel better about yourself. I am sure that there's got to be a way to make your body fit who you are, now... and until then, I for one am more than willing to be a listening/reading friend you can vent to.

    2059 days ago
    If you can't vent here to your friends, who can you vent too? Thank you for being so honest with something that is obviously so painful for you! And congrats on all of your hard work!
    2059 days ago
    You can say anything you want to say here! Even those of us who haven't worked as long and hard as you have and don't have the same issues aren't going to say, "Oh it's not that bad" emoticon We're with you, don't give up!
    2059 days ago
    You're allowed to feel however you do.
    2059 days ago
  • COOP9002
    It's good to express your thoughts out loud so that you can own them. With the journey that you've been on, you know what is best, and how you can best deal with this situation. I have a friend, who will be confronting some similar relaities as the weight continues to come off. He was over 400 pounds and is working hard at getting healthy. He has already lost about 70 pounds, and is now dealing with some of those wonderful loose skin issues.

    Hopefully, you'll be able to do what is best.

    2059 days ago
    You're preaching to the choir. I look fine in clothes, but forget it when I'm naked... bat wings, disappearing belly button, the whole thing. I'm standing in your shoes and I KNOW your pain.
    emoticon emoticon
    2059 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I do understand, really I do. I applaud you for getting as far as you have because honestly, my hanging skin stops me from even moving forward most of the time. I used to be fixated on a tummy tuck for "after" but the truth is I don't want the scar and I couldn't pay that kind of money to do it. There is too much else, arms, thighs, rear, breastsetc....... I have also had one really bad disaster with a cosmetic procedure that cost me way more emotionally than anything.I won't do it again. I scour blogs and look for those that haven't had the surgery as motivation. There aren't many!!! Here are a few that may help: Fit to the Finish She looks great in clothes and has not had surgery. She does confess that the skin bothers her too but I find it motivating to see how "normal" her clothes look on her. Another site is T Tapp in the success stories. Have you heard of body brushing? It seems to help many many women with the skin. This is also on the T Tapp site.There are older women and women like myself who on top of being obese have had lots of children. I started doing it too although not regularly. I have to hope. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with my 11th and l know what you mean about underwear, even my maternity clothes look horrible because I have a "bump" with hang. Last Easter at my lowest weight someone took a picture of me leaning up against the counter and my skin was like resting on it. That was really deflating because I thought I looked good that day. It's awful. I'm not trying to promote any site or program but I feel your pain and these have helped me. emoticon emoticon
    2059 days ago
  • VEG_GIRL04
    Who cares what you're "supposed" to say. You spoke the truth.

    You have been through a long emotional and physical journey that I'm sure very few can understand. You have changed your life so much, and are such a strong person.

    Have you ever considered paying for the sking surgery? (oh I know, easier said then done!) You seem like such a dedicated and driven person - there has to be a way! You're a stay at home mom - ever looked at options of watching friends kids, selling Mary Kay or something to just make some extra cash on the side? This is totally just a thought...but maybe you can find a way so that 3 years from now you will truly be happy in the skin your in. emoticon
    2059 days ago
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