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Never More Scared

Thursday, January 31, 2013

I'm not sure I'm coming back right now. I wanted to come for a visit. I wanted to try to remember what I felt like, what it felt like to be on SP. I was in control of myself and it was getting pretty easy. Until I made a decision to let go and binge. It was a quick spiral, but it was slow, too. Over the course of weeks, I went from a healthy relationship to food to a slave-mind. At first I believed I could/would come back from the brink before I fell over it. But I passed that point. And it's only increasing in speed quickly---the bingeing. I see the damage I'm doing but I try not to see it. I see the pace at which I'm hurling back to a giant suit of shame.

But change is hard. And when I initially came to SP I hadn't even attempted to either diet or change my lifestyle in more than two and a half years. And I was ready. That made it least, to start.

But now I'm coming from a place of recent failure. I'm coming from a recent gain of weight, of loss of control, of deep shame over both. I'm coming from a place of callousness and indifference about my health. And I'm busy as hell. I'm starting a new life transition...that is my first foster child--my first child of any kind, is arriving on Sunday. We've had her each weekend for a couple of months, and now she's coming to live with us permanently. And I don't know how much time I'll be able to carve out to care for myself--in spite of knowing that it's important and beneficial to everyone in the house. My foster daughter is a special needs child, with some more extreme behavioral issues, and I'm not even certain I have what it takes to meet her needs, let alone mine as well.

But I know that not attempting to live well is akin to choosing a not so slow death, as well as an existence of shame and denial...and of hiding.

And I'm here because I finally scared myself enough to pause. So I'm here in a pause. It may last only a few minutes or hours. I'm just trying it out.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CAMAEL100
    Well done for posting. Stay with Spark. There is always some one who will understand you. We have all fallen of the wagon at some point and had that 'may as well give up' attitude. But you have come back and that is the main thing. I wish you well.

    I also wish you well with your new little girl. It will be a whole new life experience for you.

    1908 days ago
    Wow, I understand this so much... I could have written some of it myself. Most of it actually. I am feeling the same way. I applaud you for taking on the needs of your foster daughter and I applaud you for even coming here in a moment of pause. I hope we both decide and find a way to get where we really want to be. Please feel free to contact me at any time if you need to talk. I am hoping and wishing for a move forward, for both of our sakes....
    a million emoticon being sent your way darlin. You are on my mind, today and every day.
    1908 days ago
    Don't leave! Here you'll find support and understanding and tools. It's a good, safe place.
    1909 days ago

    I welcome you back. You need us....and we need you, too. Put on your big girl panties and start again. You can do it!
    1909 days ago
    I did the exact same thing last year! I was gone for two months and gained every one of the 17 lbs I'd lost back! I was so embarrassed and so upset with myself. I mustered up the strength and courage to get back on the wagon! I've been back since September and haven't looked back since! Don't beat yourself up about this, this journey isn't easy. Your child will need you to be the best you that you can be, physically and mentally!! Come back, this is the place for support to help you get back on track. We are not here to judge you! We love you!!!! emoticon
    1909 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I think I understand what you are saying. I am hoping that you will be able to find trust, faith, not sure of the correct word in English. What I mean is I hope you will be able to trust that things will go well and that you will find your way.
    It touches me that you are going to take care of a foster child. Who knows how much you will learn and grow and heal through the contact.
    I hope to see and read more from you but I'd understand if you feel better not visiting here, or not a lot. I am thinking of you and thinking good thoughts.
    love, Christina
    1909 days ago
    Stay with Spark, even if you check in a couple of times a week.You have hit a bad spot but let it pass.

    "Let us love you till you learn to love yourself".

    That is something I heard the other week and I almost cried for I know it to be true. You are going to have your hands full with a special needs child (I have a special needs grandson) but you have to carve out some time for yourself. Forget the failure and move forward.

    Please grab onto something, perhaps drinking your water each day. Start logging your food good or bad just log it. You're need good energy for your new child so please do not give up!
    1909 days ago
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