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In the dumps

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Things have been on a downward spiral for a few weeks and I've been trying to deal with it, but I thought if I wrote some of this down in an organized way it might help me work through things.

First, I found out last Tuesday that my dad has bladder cancer. He's had a couple of other bouts with cancer over the years, but this may be "the one". He is 85 and his options are limited because he's maxed out on radiation and he also is having kidney problems. It sounds selfish, but this is about the worst possible time for me to get away because I have a lot of classes to do at the beginning of the semester and I am also a manager and have to do annual evaluations and those take a lot of time. So, I feel extremely guilty that I can't rush there (it's about 2.5 hours away) and be more support. My only sibling is a little older and she is mentally ill, so she is understandably no help at all and in fact makes everything worse because when she's not the center of attention she falls apart and adds to my mom's stress.

Secondly, my Medifast buddy (whom I have blogged about before) was offered a great job in Connecticut, so she is leaving at the end of February. She is a great friend and also my co-manager at work, so we are really close and are each others cheerleader. I am going to miss her so much. Plus, I don't know what this means for me work-wise -- whether I'll be managing everybody by myself or getting a new co-manager. Oh, and my boss is on research leave until the end of August and so I have a new temporary one who has no experience at all. I'm still trying to figure out his style.

Unfortunately, my mental state has translated into some neglect of my physical state. I still try to walk as much as possible, but the 12,000 steps per day goal has taken a hiatus for the last couple of weeks. I'm not even going to bring up tracking... oops, too late! It's weird because so many of the things I'm upset about are out of my control and the one thing that is in my control -- the way I treat my body -- I'm abdicating control. What is up with that?! (Ooh, something to ponder!)

Maybe I shouldn't have written this down -- I'm afraid it sounds like I'm having a pity party, but I'm trying not to. I just have a lot of things I need to work out.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey it's ok to get it all out... even if it sounds like a pity party. I'm kinda having my own pity part right now, but for less valid reasons. You are in a tough situation now with many stresses and changes on your plate. It's hard to take care of yourself with all that's going on. Don't beat yourself up! Anyway, this is a place that you can get it all out when you need to.
    1910 days ago
    emoticon No it does not sound horrible, the first thing I thought after my Mom was diagnosed was why now! It was less than a year after Dad died from Cancer and in that mini second I felt that I could not deal with this right now! Allow yourself the feeling, then you will be able to do what you need to do to support yourself and your family. I am really sorry to hear about your Dad!
    1910 days ago
    No, it does not sound like you are having a pity party. It is understandable why you feel the way you do. I know you are going through a tough time but please take care of yourself.
    1910 days ago
    I wish you dad the best. Sounds like a pretty tough time. Maybe you can't get to the work-out but at least try to track your food.
    1910 days ago
    its funny but you hit the nail on the head. the one thing you can control is the first thing to slip by the wayside. its not just you--almost everyone does it.

    thinking of you & your family.
    1910 days ago
    You sound overwhelmed and rightfully so....
    but keep in mind that the only way to get thru this and keep your sanity is
    to take care of yourself.
    You've been at this long enough to know the ropes...
    so whether you track or not...eat the healthiest that you can
    and when you can...get some private time to sort things thru in your head.
    You need peace of mind...so don't feel guilty...
    You might find taking a long walk alone helps you meditate and clear your thoughts.
    just do your best and hang in there.
    1910 days ago
    emoticon I often use SparkPeople blogging as a way to get my frustrations out, so I don't think you're being whiny. You're having a tough time right now. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, that must be rough. Hang in there.
    1910 days ago
    Go ahead and have a pity party! everybody needs one now and then. Having a parent who is ill is one of the hardest things to go through and then add work stress on top of it? I think you are doing well all things considered, hang in there.
    1910 days ago
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