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Today I am sad.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Good morning to all my Sparkly Friends!

This morning I woke up with sadness in my heart. I have been very busy planning and getting rid of a lot of my stuff, in preparation for our move to Spain. I came down with the norovirus, which stopped me from doing a lot physically, but it didn't stop my head from spinning with all the planning on what to take and what not to take. My lists are endless.

This morning I am aware of some deep grief over having to leave behind 2 very special people to me. One is my son. My other kids are my step children and while I love them, my son is my flesh and blood. We have a very good relationship. I will miss his hugs and telling me every time we part, " I love you mom!" I will miss his smile and his humour and being able to see him whenever I want. We have a great connection. He is so much like me, very relational and sensitive. We understand one other more than anyone else. I can tell him my struggles and my joys and he gets it because he experiences life so much like I do.

The other person that I will miss is my oldest grandson. He is 3 1/2 years old. He is my step grandson, but we also have a very special relationship. Being a step parent, I have always taken a back seat. I realize where I stand in line and it is somewhere in the back, after their mom, mom-in-laws, sisters, sister-in-laws, grandmothers, aunts and the list goes on.....I have never pushed my way into their lives out of respect for their lives before me. And they seem to like that. But this little guy has always sought me out. He didn't talk much in his early years, only saying one word every once in awhile. One day I was over at his house playing with him and then he went off by himself to play with his cars. I joined the adults to talk. All of a sudden, he jumped up and ran over to me, jumped on my lap, gave me a big hug and said, " I love you Mimi!" We were all shocked! This little guy barely spoke and now he expressed his love to me in a full sentence!!! It was one of life's wonderful blessings. The love affair has never ended. When my husband calls or visits without me, he says, "Where's Mimi, I want to see Mimi". If I haven't seen him for awhile, he tells his mom, "I miss Mimi". If we are with the rest of the family at a gathering, he always seeks me out. He wants to sit beside me at the dinner table and if someone holds his hand he runs away and takes my hand instead. Whenever he has to leave a family gathering, he is sad and says that he doesn't want to leave me and that he will miss me. As I said before, I have never pushed myself on him, as I know my place in this family. It has all been his doing. My husband says it is because I know how to talk to children. Being a school teacher maybe that is so. From the time that he was a toddler, when people told him to stop doing something because he was annoying them ( like continually turning on the kitchen tap), I would teach him how to do it properly and give him the job of turning it on for me when I needed it. We bake together, make play dough and do all sorts of things that are special. A few weeks ago he slept overnight and fell asleep while he talked to me and stroked my arm, telling me how much he liked my soft skin. Last summer I sat under every tree in the park to try out it's shade, because that is what he wanted. I have had the time to explore his world and childhood with him and our relationship has grown. Now I have to say good-bye and it is breaking my heart.

I know there is Skype, Facebook, phone calls, visits maybe once or twice a year, but realizing that I can not visit, see, hug and kiss these two people, whenever I want is making me very weepy this morning.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh Maureen, I feel for you! I remember the wrench I felt when I left my home city to live many miles away interstate and saying goodbye to my dear Mum was the worst thing of all. I think it is wonderful that you have these lovely bonds with your son and grandson. There have been some good suggestions here and I hope you will be able to use some of them and that they help you. In my case we had weekly phone calls and visits as often as possible (though they weren't that often on account of the distance). Praying that you can get through this aspect of your move.
    Hugs and blessings, Nattacia

    1925 days ago
    Such a beautiful heartfelt blog. I feel your sadness. Such a wonderful relationship you have with your grandson. He does not know that you are a "step", but only a loving, caring loved one whom he too has connected with.
    1928 days ago
    My husband and I have chosen to travel as our early retirement - and yes, leaving family is the most difficult part.

    Before you go, buy a Magic Jack - it will have a local phone number (as in wherever you buy it) - and then it's basically free for you to call home and talk to your son and grandson, or for them to call you. You can get messages that way as well. Really, that and email are how we're staying in touch with my elderly father, my husband's brother, all of our nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews - totally a wonderful device and absolutely worth the price.

    And you will love being in Spain, despite how far it will be from your loved ones.
    1935 days ago
    I cried as I read this. The move is so difficult for you. I was heartbroken when we moved to PA which put me even further away from my parents in ME. Your son and grandson hold a very special place in your heart and you are definitely in theirs. Your blog is full of love and caring and you will always have that. Skype is wonderful - you can't hold them but to be able to talk face to face will help.

    extra hugs to you.....Mary Anne
    1935 days ago
    That is a wonderful blog. Just plan special things you can put in letters - cute pictures, jokes they will understand, a rhyme you can both learn. Make the letters they get from you super-special!! emoticon
    1936 days ago
    Gosh, I so get it! I too have a wonderful, special relationship with my step grandson. He and I are special buddies! Yes, the miles are tough but it makes the time you do get together more special. It will work. You will miss them but I bet make plans to visit.
    Have a terrific day.
    1936 days ago
    I have tears in my eyes after reading the story about your step-grandson - so sweet emoticon

    I agree with Capedocbabe that one of the best things to do is plan your trips so you always have something to look forward to - and keep yourself busy! Neither of my mom's kids live in the same state as her and that is what she tries to do. She sees me and my daughter a lot but sees my sister and her kids maybe 2-3 times a year. We do Skype a lot and she loves it because that way the grandkids don't forget who she is in between trips.

    Just think of all the fun times you will have with your son and grandkids when they come visit you! You will be able to create such special, distinct memories.

    1936 days ago
    " I love you Mimi!" That is a VERY special connection, I understand it too I raised my daughters' kids their first three years while she worked on her career and then they went to pre school and that was the end of that with each of them but while I had them it was magical
    1936 days ago
    I hear you. I have an only child, my son who still lives
    with me and he has told me that as soon as he graduates
    he will head to England to work and travel. I am already
    thinking of how I will cope. He is my rock. I feel your pain.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1936 days ago
    It's hard, I know.

    My daughter lives across the country in San Diego.
    While I spent a week with her there last summer,
    it's not the same as being close. I miss her.

    Just plan some reunions so you have something to look forward to.

    1936 days ago
    All I can do is send great big (((((HUGS)))))) emoticon

    My son is in the Army. He is stationed in Alaska. He just left today after 13 days of leave here @ home. **SIGH** Love hurts sometimes! But as you have said, there's skype, phone calls, texting, e-mailing, instagrams . . . all good but not the same.

    1936 days ago
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