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I Can Only Go Up From Here

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Although my blogs have been pretty upbeat lately, I personally have been going through a bout of depression. It happens every once in a while, and when it does happen I get in such a funk, I barely recognize myself until I’m out of it. I stop caring about things I used to (which included my weight loss journey) and my outlook on life is exceedingly bleak. It’s the nature of the disease that I know all too well, and I’m doing all I can to ensure that I’m battling it with all of my might. Now that I’m on the other side of this episode, I’m able to pick myself up and dust myself off.

I feel a lot better today and am thankful for that. Waking up this morning was such a blessing and I felt like scales had fallen off of my eyes (as they often do when I get past a few days of hard core depression). I’ve been sad about a lot of things, extremely frustrated by others and let so much get to me.

My weight loss means a lot to me. It is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and accomplished in my life. Burying family members wasn’t as hard as this (I know that sounds strange, but everyone was so sick, I had been mentally prepared for a good while, except for Granny of course). I obsess about it, and I care probably a little too much. After a weekend of simply not caring too much about what I ate, I ate with abandon and gained some weight. When I saw 191 on the scale, I flipped out and went down a spiral that I couldn’t get myself out of until today.

Last night, and the nights previously I was threatening to quit Spark and give up altogether. If I got fat again, I got fat. I’d shut myself in the house, stop caring and tell everyone to go jump off a bridge if they said anything to me about it. Yes, I was THAT mad.

I’m a bit smarter this morning.

I’ve worked too dang hard to give up now and if it takes me all dang year to lose these last 15lbs then so be it. Sure, I’m going to do it kicking and screaming, but honestly, what do I have to lose? All I’ll be doing is bettering myself and hitting goals I never thought possible, like I did last year.

I’m giving myself a few more dates to give myself some room in case my body really fights me on it. If I don’t make it by the last date, I will permanently go into maintenance mode and enjoy what I’ve already accomplished.

Updated Goal Dates:

April 16, 2013 – 2 Year Weight Loss Anniversary
September 5, 2013 – My 27th Birthday
December 24, 2013 – Christmas Eve

I registered for my first 5k this morning and I’m beyond excited. I can only go up from here.

Beginning Monday, I’ve gone back to drinking 3 liters of water a day and my body is thanking me already. Feels good to go back to routines that really worked for me before.

I can only go up from here.

Romans 8: 7 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Im learning that Depression is a CRAZY THING, but baby, u handle it FABULOUSLY! Yes, ur downward spirals are very bleak and uncontrolable, but u never truly give up finding that happiness again and THAT is what matters!

    Im so glad u r out of that craziness (this comment is a few days late, I know. I apologize.) and still working twds ur goals. Im even happier that u changed the deadlines. emoticon U just CANT make ur body do something it doesnt want to, no matter how "good" uve been. Fighting against something u have no control over is setting urself up for failure. Uve told me that many of times!

    Im so proud of u, B! U have come so far and are still goin after what you want! U go girl!!! I love you with all my heart.....
    1907 days ago
    Good to hear you're ready to get back on your personal path to a healthier lifestyle! Signing up for a 5K is a great motivator!

    Have a great day!
    1909 days ago
  • KIMZEE71
    I have battled depression for the past 15 years. I know exactly how you felt. I'm glad you're on a better track now. It makes all the difference in the world! emoticon
    1909 days ago
  • -AMANDA79-
    Keep on truckin' lady! I had a rough fall, but kept my chin up and focused on the small things that I could control. You can do it!
    1909 days ago
    You will do this, and we will all help you. I am happy to be a phone buddy if you want more personal support -- just send me an email and I'll send you my phone number.
    1909 days ago
    You are not a quitter, I can tell! Every time you go into this phase, you come out stronger, better and with more weapons to fight it the next time!
    1909 days ago
  • 3016DEBRA
    Glad you're feeling better - now go kick some A$$!!!! emoticon
    1909 days ago
    I know you have memories you deal with
    and the job and auditioning can be stressful...
    but I have a question for you
    Do you find that when you eat badly, you are more prone to be down?
    Just a thought.

    Please don't leave Spark...we look forward to your wonderful blogs
    and maintainance is even harder than losing.
    We want you here..... emoticon
    1909 days ago
    Good deal. Funky is only good for music. emoticon Don't forget to let us know which dress you decide on. I'm looking forward to seeing you in it.
    1909 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Well, even through all of that, you turn out to still be your own best friend sweetie: Kicking and screaming is major cardio, which in turn, brings you to your goal that much faster!! So there!!!
    You are merely going through what is a page of YOUR life, not others, so it is not a setback,but a PART of who you are. Like you said, your weight is NOT who you are, but the disease is. Dealing with it is part and parcel of what you must deal with every day, like my diabetes and fibro. We just deal with it and move on!! And you, my dear, have done a LOT of moving this past year.

    Digging your way up and out of that depression was also an exercise in self love,, yes, you love yourself enough that you actually DID NOT quit anything..
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1909 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    So glad you're out of your funk! Keeping you in my prayers! emoticon
    1909 days ago
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