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Outrageous Kindness

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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Today is day 33 of my streak!

January is just about done...and as of today there are only 48 days until Spring! I am thinking ahead to where I'd like to be by that time, and what I need to do in order to make it happen. For the first time in years, I am looking forward to warmer weather! Just saying that I am looking forward to something....it brings tears to my eyes. In the past, warmer weather was something I dreaded because it meant putting away the bulky coats and jackets that I wore all winter to "hide" my obese body. In Spring and Summer, I would wear my stretch pants and t shirts, and I would feel so unattractive, so "un-feminine", so fat, so old. Whenever I would go out in public, I would pull my hair back into a ponytail, slap on a baseball cap, and pretend that I didn't care (or didn't know) that I looked so unhealthy, unhappy and so overweight.

But I did care. Behind my smile, I was crying. I was ashamed of how I'd let myself go. And to comfort myself, I'd buy a bunch of junk food, hide it in my purse, and then sneak it into the house....and then eat it in the middle of the night while hubby was sleeping! And every morning, I would wake up just hating myself for being such a weak person. Oh, the names I called myself! I said such horrible, hateful things to myself every day!

Its different this year, though. I look forward to warmer weather, because I am not ashamed of myself anymore. Its not just about looks, its about ATTITUDE. I don't hate myself like I used to. I LOVE myself! No, I don't think I'm the worlds greatest or anything. But I have finally learned the truth...you can't take care of yourself and reach your goals if you don't love yourself.

I have had such a bad past. But I'm tired of living in the shadow of that. My life is ahead of me, and I don't have to be a prisoner of my old thoughts and feelings. I am looking forward with hope and positivity.

"Don't look back - Yesterday is over, today is a brand new day
Don't look back - It's not the answer, no it's not the way
You can't go forward when you keep looking back
How can you think about the future
When you're haunted by the past?
God don't want you to live like that
Put your hand to the plow and don't look back."
("Don't Look Back" by John Schlitt)

February is almost here, and my goal for the month is to be my OWN Valentine! I hereby pledge to treat myself with "outrageous kindness" all month long...and beyond! I will love myself enough to put my health first...I will love myself enough to eat healthy foods (and to weigh and measure them!)...I will love myself enough to exercise and look for ways to add movement to my day...I will love myself enough to keep working hard to make progress!

And when Spring arrives, I will not be at my goal weight....but I will be closer! I will not wear stretch pants or hide underneath a baseball cap. I will smile, and it will be a genuine smile of happiness and pride because I have worked hard, and I know I am worth the effort!

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