I feel like I'm planning to fail...

1-28-13


I’m kind of in the mood for a rambly blog… My thoughts are definitely disheveled.

I have a busy week. Like a crazy, busy week. I also have a lot of work stuff, a presentation, recruitment, lunch with a seminar speaker which means I have to go to his seminar and not skip like I usually do, the realtor is coming this afternoon, my house isn’t clean, my yard is a mess, I’m not making much progress writing, I feel like I have a million experiments to do… and my mind is scattered this morning.

TJ came to visit again this weekend. We really didn’t do much, but spend time together. That boy doesn’t like to plan. I need a plan. I thrive on plans. So my plans revolved around food. What food could I make, what food would he want, what food did I want? Granted, I made horrible food decisions this weekend, and I felt bad about doing it. I even felt sick last night after I ate some of the cookies I baked. I sent most home with him, but I had three for dinner. And then I felt awful. Total sugar overload. After my weekend of poor food, that was the sickeningly red cherry on top. This morning it felt like I was expelling all of the bad food demons out of my body – so hopefully I can get back to eating clean and enjoying that feeling.

My emotions are just now catching up with the fact that I am in a serious committed relationship. Its weird. This is my first real one, and we’re already talking about marriage. I just don’t know how to wrap my head around it sometimes. On Saturday he laughed at a fat joke on TV. I was offended. Partially by the joke, and partially by his EXTREME laughter at the joke. He apologized, but stuff like that still burns my biscuits. Its just weird for me to still be so emotionally touchy about stuff like that.

And add to all of this my stupid surgery incision is still wide open. I don’t see much progress in the last month. Its not depressing, but more frustrating than anything. My left arm is all deflated from losing my muscle tone, and my right arm is still stuffed full of fluid from the injury – so I feel lopsided.

I felt skinny (for me) on Friday, wearing a cute dress. Cue today – I had trouble getting my jeans on and buttoning them with no armpit definitely hurt. More than it should have. I probably should have picked a different pair of jeans, but dang it – these FIT. I know they fit. They just need to be stretched out. There are so many small movements, like buttoning things, or reaching for something, or sneezing, that just still really hurt.

TJ says he can always tell when its starting to bother me. He says I get all shifty, and get this look on my face. Its probably the face of anxiety over changing the bandage, mixed with pain, and a dash of poor me. Its annoying to me that all of this is happening. I’m still trying to downplay how horribly gross this whole thing has been. The trouble is, I’d still do it. My left arm looks great. Its just this freak accidental thing on the right that has me all in tatters. And I definitely know I needed the skin removal after losing the weight.

I went to my normal doctor last week for some bloodwork. The almost passing out thing had gotten bad again, so I went in to see if I was anemic. No problems there. The doctor scale was a good 8 pounds heavier than my bathroom scale. Now I know I was wearing three layers of clothes and really chunky boots, and had a belly full of breakfast, but it wasn’t 8 pounds. The nurses were really sweet and wanted to see my arm scars and one even wanted to see the gross wound. I told her about Spark, and the nursing student with her already knew about it.

Then they took my blood pressure, 115/65. *I was like, ummm what? Before I lost weight I would normally have 150s/90s – I always thought that was just anxiety. Last year when I reached the weight I was at now I got 120s/80s – what I thought was normal. So now, even though I haven’t lost weight, I’ve still improved my blood pressure with healthy eating and regular exercise. So it just goes to show that even though the scale isn’t moving for me, I’m still making positive changes on the inside. After I left the doc, the bloodwork says I am not anemic and my blood sugar is fine, so my brain and autonomic nervous system are just freaking out over this massive open wound that isn’t healing. Doctors orders are to get up early, drink something that contains real sugar – actual calories, and then get ready for the day. I’ve been doing that for the past few days and I haven’t had any problems except for guilt. I just hate drinking 200 calories in the morning, but I’m not ready for food, and I chose to drink a breakfast drink that’s chock full of vitamins/minerals and protein. So that’s it for me.

I’m not touching my scale for awhile. I need to check my head before I throw it anymore curveballs. I’m just a little gloomy today, I’m sure it’s a symptom of the sugar crash and missing TJ combined. I have my BodyMedia armband on today. I wore it on Friday and I got 30 minutes of “exercise” in. Umm… no I didn’t. I think I’ll have the common complaint that most of the FitBit users have said – it logs your daily movements as exercise, which we don’t. I always assume Spark is over estimating the calories burned, but hey – this will up my fitness minutes and maybe give me a boost in the mood department. So there’s that…

I need to get working on a presentation I’ve got to get ready for tomorrow. And I need to figure out what to take for lunch. I’m failing to plan, which makes me think I’m planning to fail. I think that’s part of the reason, even though I had fun with TJ and got in good snuggle time, I felt like the weekend was a waste because I didn’t really accomplish anything (don’t tell him that!) – and then he goes and says, “I know we didn’t do anything today, but today went by really fast, and I wish it hadn’t because I just want to spend more time with you…” *cue ridiculous girl emotions…