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Monday, January 28, 2013

Yep, disappear over the weekend again. I’m not certain what is up with me. I’m just not getting to do much of anything lately. Not sick or hurt, yeah the cold sucks but . . . I just don’t want to DO anything. I know, personal problem – I just need to push past, like it or not.

Diet has been good until dinner. Then the hubby’s influence kicks in and I end up with 1,000 calories!! I keep telling him this doesn’t work for me but he just won’t stop. I know I can’t blame him. I could say NO to the pizza or the subway or the Chinese food but that causes 2 problems. First, I feel so wasteful if I refuse to eat it. I’m throwing money and perfectly good food out just cause I don’t want to eat it. Second, my dogs have nothing on the sad face look my hubby gets when I “won’t eat”. If I hear about “malnutrition” one more time I’m going to SCREAM.

See he was very supportive in the beginning, and still can be at times. But all he wants to do is watch TV and eat. That’s how I got to be knocking on the door of 200 lbs. I CAN’T go back there. It’s just so easy to sink into the bad habits with him. The problem is, for 6 days with being sick we sat and watched TV and didn’t move. He enjoyed this. That was how our lives were and now that I’m “done dieting” he wants things to go back to the way they were. I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve also lost the majority of my “friends” do to my stand about not being taken advantage of. I decided a while back that I’m not doing for others who don’t offer me anything in return. I will not be guilt-ed or forced into taking care of people. I’m tired of spending my time and money on others and not even getting a thank you. So most of my “friends” no longer talk to me or better yet, talk BAD about me. Really says something for my ability to read people, hun. Not that any of those people probably would have cared, heck I could rarely get them to listen to me – but boy was I supposed to solve their problems. I just don’t feel like I’ve got anyone with me. Alone in the life boat.

I’m starting to feel stuck and drained. I think I’m getting a mild depression on. I want to spend time with hubby but I want to exercise. I want to go out to eat but I need to watch me calorie intake. I don’t want food brought home for me every time someone goes out. Candy and merlot are not what I need. I want to curl up in the corner and be left alone, but that’s not healthy either.

I’m not looking for sympathy or for anyone to solve this. I just needed to vent. Thanks.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand. Been there, done that too. Hugs.
    1928 days ago
    I've been here. It's helped to think...what do I need now and where can I get it? If our old sources don't get what we need, can I find a few new friends to make my life better? I am no advocate of cutting things off abruptly with anyone important in our lives, but I am an advocate of finding more people who nourish me. I wish you luck and hope you find amazing people and activities to nourish yourself. You deserve it!
    1969 days ago
  • MLH148
    I feel like Roberta Flack in "killing me softly". Did you come live my life for a bit? Glad things are better. My husband the other day, when I said I just didn't understand his obsession with particular cars " well, I don't get people who insist on exercising". Yea, that's the same.
    1969 days ago
  • LANA2520
    A "friend" uses friends to accomplish a means to an end.
    When you cry,
    a "friend" callously brushes it aside and yet expects you to sympathize when things aren't going right with them.
    You call them, they won't answer, yet they expect to you to pick up
    the phone on the first ring.
    Where are they when you need help, they are doing their own thing
    Until it’s time to call you to their side.
    Still, through it all you have remained their friend. When will it end?
    Hands stretched out expecting, always with a friendly, cajoling smile
    on their face.
    Yet, when you look at them, there is no trace of the deceit inside,
    and the uncaring attitude they hide.
    They swear they are your friend and somehow make you believe it.
    But reality has set in.
    The facade they erected, the smiling eyes, the caring words,
    is just a farce.
    You have always been there for them, but where were they
    in your darkest hour.
    Scarce a trace.
    The little sacrifices, the words of encouragement you give, are
    overlooked, when it’s all about them.
    Gifts that were given, long forgotten, like dust brushed under a rug.
    Hurt and anger builds up.
    What else would you expect. A change for the better,
    is that too much to ask.
    But now you are faced with an insurmountable task of living your life with
    one less friend.

    hey friend come and go and you dont need them that what i always tell my self if there not by your side dont call them your friend.hugs and take care of your self.
    1969 days ago
  • SELTZER111
    I admire you for having the courage to weed out the people in your life that are no longer meeting your needs or returning the friendship. It is a difficult thing to do ! You are one strong person !! I have shared with you before that you spread so much cheer and positivity that bring joy and hope to many others and as other Sparkers have pointed out, we are not physically there with you but we ARE there FOR you... sending the hugs and support right back at you !! We all get into a funk sometimes, when friends come to me feeling down I tell them it is time for some ME time. Do something JUST for yourself. Whether it is a massage, a hot bath with candles or buying your favorite perfume it's ME time !! By the way my husband eats terribly too, I end up cooking two meals often, or just changing up the way the main part is prepared. Have Tazzy give you a hug and lots of licks and kisses !! Email anytime if you would like to chat !! Hugs Carrie
    1969 days ago
    im feeling quite similar sweetie. thanks for posting emoticon
    it is very wise to make boundaries in relationships. people who take take take are really not worth the time and effort. hang in there this will pass emoticon
    1969 days ago
    Sometimes, you need to let it all out.

    This is part of the reason why I'm so cautious when it comes to dating and wanting a man who truly lives that healthy lifestyle, so that I don't fall back into those old habits. Watching a little TV every so often is fine and dandy, same with going out to eat, but not all the time!

    Kitty, I definitely get your frustration, and just know that this cat chick has your back...and always will. :)

    Chin up, girl! ::hugs::
    1970 days ago
    Kitty, You are not alone here at Spark. I know you have lots of friends including me. Yes we are not there in the physical body, but as you have done, you can vent and because we care about you we will listen and only give feedback as wanted. Yeah, I do the alone thing alot, that is why I really dreaded losing Karen cause she was one of a kind.

    My hubby is for the most part supportive, but he does say things like "it's a Holiday" or "it's just this one time" or "cut yourself some slack" "Just one won't hurt". If only he know how wrong he was about that one that did not hurt, lol. It is a gateway drug for me lol One cookie leads to two then ten. Yeah one would not have hurt if I could stop at one, but thats not the case.

    I think part of the reason those around us that love us want us to partake with them is because it makes them feel better about what they are eating. That's one idea. A second one is they are used to spending time with us in an unhealthy way, but that is the way as you said they have always spent time with you. Maybe we need to find a way that we can still spend time with them and not go their bad route. Like while he is watching tv, you being on an exercise bicycle near them watching tv too. Or as some gals say they do, they stand behind a chair jogging in place or doing ST while watching a show.

    But yeah when we change it affects those around us and we have to make that choice to keep to our guns and if they change for the good great, but if they don't we continue on. The problem is this sometimes separates people a bit becasue of the change, and we have to be okay with that. I am adding my two cents about something I have been through. My hubby started exercising regularly two years ago and I know I heard and saw all his hints but they made me angry so I would ignore them or even worst I would say something wrong when he announced he is off to jog or work out. I would say well have a good time. He did not like exercising he just did it because it was good for his heart. So I knew this would get under his skin and it did. Lol, now I am the one heading out, but I do enjoy it so who knew, lol.
    1970 days ago
    Venting is always good. It sounds like a perfect storm of badness. Hopefully, a day of rest can at least put it a little further away. Hopefully, there can be a nice middle ground for you and DH on the food. I am also sorry about your so called friends, but we are always here. Not the same, but we at least have your back.

    The winter blues is interesting. I think something about short nights, cold...just something makes the winter harder.

    emoticon Hope today is better
    1970 days ago
    I'm glad you can vent, some times we can see solutions when we go back and read what we've vented about. I know you feel alone, but remember we are here for you; I'm here for you.
    1970 days ago
    1970 days ago
  • HOT_MAMA_13
    1970 days ago
    You have the right to eat or not eat what you want without some guilt trip, this is your health after all, isn't it? I hope that someday your DH will see it for what it is and help you. It's a matter of what works for you, and we will be here for you. You won't lose your spark friends over this.
    1970 days ago
  • ANDY_54
    Hey, vent away emoticon --if it helps! Aside from that: emoticon emoticon
    1970 days ago
    You made the right choice not to hang out with people who suck you dry. Ask your hubby to eat trigger foods when he's away from you so you don't have to look at them. Also tell him why it's important for you to exercise. You can do that and still spend time with him. My hubby eats junk, smokes, and doesn't exercise. I fell into that not working out thing for quite a while and gained all the weight I lost back, plus more. When I lose it this time it needs to stay lost!
    1970 days ago
    Talk about it with your hubby, sometimes people need just a reminder.
    As for your "friends", it's their loss!

    1970 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1970 days ago
    Friend, do you take anything for your depression? If you do or have in the past, may be time to increase or start again. No shame in it. It is like any other med people need. Winter gets you down anyhow and relieving your life of those leeches left you feeling alone, so ask about a medication. I'm not trying to solve your problems, but you know I care. Wish I had a solution for the hubby problem, but I don't. Mine won't exercise at all with or without me and while he may eat OK with me since I force it on him, he eats on the road all day every day. He is nearing 300 pounds and I know I will lose him like I lost my mother and that scares me. Ah. sorry! I took to venting on your vent and that ain't fair! Sorry! Vent away! Better out than in! I am sending exercise vibes your way! Up to you to use them or not. Love & Peace!
    1970 days ago
  • APED7969
    Hope you're feeling better. I hope hubby catches up with your positive changes.
    1971 days ago
    Venting always helps so vent all you want i will always listen. emoticon
    1971 days ago
    So sorry about you feeling so depressed.
    Big emoticon
    1971 days ago
    Big hugs. You can push through this.,I wish I had the answers for you, but you'll get through it. You guys both will. Hubby might be feeling a bit insecure. Just a thought. Let me know if I can help. Love ya sis.
    1971 days ago
    you really sound a little depressed . so what if you waste food? think the other way , if you eat it you waste all your hard work. I think those are more precious than some money. make the others understand that you aren't finished with your "diet" and will never be. find a solution so you can watch TV with family , eat carrot or celery sticks , I don't know. and the most important , try to find something that you like and spoil yourself everyday emoticon
    1971 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    I think you're in my head too. This is part of what I'm struggling with too. I want to just sit with hubby and the boy and watch tv. I want to eat what he cooks or whatever we bring home. I want the junky stuff. That's what got me here though so I have to stop. I have to eat smaller portions, and order better when we do go out. It's hard to give all that up for the discomfort of walking in the cold and "the look". Hang in there though, you'll find the strength to do what you need to do.
    1971 days ago
    Keep Sparkin'! It's ok to vent. Sorry to hear that you're feeling blue. I'm in the same place and I'm starting to think that I suffer from Seasonal Affect Disordre (S.A.D.) I live in Wisconsin and this winter is really starting to get to me. I'm glad you posted this as it reminds me that we are not alone on this journey and that's what Spark is providing for me - friends!
    1971 days ago
    1971 days ago
    Wow. I wish I had the magical answer because I need it too! It's hard juggling all of the things we have going on and trying to please everyone. It's hard wanting to do one thing but wanting to or needing to do something else. You know you dont want to go back to where you were in the beginning. You know you can't do that all over again. But it was comfortable doing nothing and being fat, right?

    Do you think you are exhausted or burnt out from overdoing it? Maybe not 100% from being sick? Maybe going easy and not pushing it is in order. Or maybe you aren't challenged anymore. Have you tried anything new lately? That can always be fun and encouraging.

    Wish you overcome this obstacle. That's all it is. A test of your strength. Don't give in. You are stronger than this. You can do it.
    1971 days ago
    Venting is good. I say "Go for it!".
    1971 days ago
    I'm in a very similar boat as you, and I totally understand how frustrating it can be. My hubby will just put food in front of my face, when I don't ask for it. I get so mad. And I too was nearing the 200lb mark, slowly working my way down. I think that if you try and "re-set" those boundaries and make it very clear that this is a lifestyle change for you, and not a diet, hopefully he'll start to realize that he needs to support you better.
    1971 days ago
    My hubby does most of the cooking because he gets home 2 hours before I do. I never complain about what he fixes, so most of the time, I'll eat a little of what he has cooked & then I'll fix several different veggies & load up 1/2 to 3/4 of my plate with them. He's happy because I ate what he cooked & I'm happy because I got the rest of my veggies in for the day. We are also TV junkies. So after dinner, I'll get up & walk in place for at least 15 minutes so that I'm not being a La-Z-Boy potato.
    1971 days ago
    Sorry :(

    It's not easy. But you WILL get through it. It's sad to lose friends, but you can't let it drag you down. You are better off. Keep you head up.

    1971 days ago
    Oh, my friend, I think you know I'm going through something very similar. The difference for me though is that I use exercise as my outlet. But it's really hard for me to stay motivated to exercise, while my husband is napping, reading on the computer or watching tv.

    I've also discovered that I've lost most of my friends as well. I'm learning that my best source of support is coming from inside me, and to heck with anyone who doesn't get or support me.

    You can do this--I believe in you and I'm here to cheer you on. Lean on your Spark friends anytime you need, and keep on venting--it really does help.

    1971 days ago
    I am so glad I stopped by ....... Sometimes unless someone 'vents' we think we are 'all alone' in the things we are going thru and even think "everyone else" has it made ...... (No logic!)
    I completely hear you in
    #1--It is fine to kick back when you are sick and under the weather (I have been there past four days) ........... so I know ............ BUT it is really harmful to say the least to eat like a king .......... Pizza, sub's ............ candy, etc .................
    (Believe me--I have been there too, maybe not so much the really indulgent food, but the comment from hubby, "This won't hurt you .................. it will be fine."

    It is a FINE line when we are married cos we don't want to 'ruffle' the waters so to speak ............. BUT dammit!! this is OUR LIFE and OUR HEALTH we have FOUGHT LONG AND hard for and it does not come easy .......... it is one daily diligent commitment and sacrifices along the way! .......... BAd eating also delays the healing process yada yada .................... I want you to know Kitty, you are NOT alone ............. I hear you ...................... I think what I once said was:
    "We need to get on the sAme page! I am a woman, and I can't begin to eat the same quanity as you ................... and I have a plan and this does NOT belong on my plate or in my mouth ....................... Usually the recipient may pout or whine .......... But my feeling is THEY CAN GET OVER IT!! ............ Oh and make some rules ................ NO FOOD BROUGHT home to me unless I mention or ask ........... (cos if you do, it will go to waste) ........ and don't worry abt the food wasted ............... cos if you consume more than you should it will go to WAIST!! and U have worked too long and hard Kitty!!! ..................... emoticon
    1971 days ago
    I'm sure that winter blahs are not helping either. Breathe, drink some water, and do one positive thing today. Your "friends" may be dissing you, but you still have us. We're here when you need to vent! emoticon
    1971 days ago
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