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forgiving myself

Monday, January 28, 2013

There's a lot of things I could choose to forgive myself for, but one that has been on my mind this week is that I wasn't with my mother when she died.

My mother's birthday would have been January 20th, so I've been thinking about her a lot for the past week. And the thing that continues to haunt me is that I wasn't with her when she died.

I woke up a little late that morning and took some time to make myself a healthy lunch to take over to her apartment. On the drive over there, I got a phone call from her aide, saying I should hurry, because she thought my mother was about to pass. (mom was in home hospice and we expected her to pass any day). There wasn't any way I could drive any faster, and I was only about 4 miles away when I got the call, so I just kept on going. She was dead when I got there.

Mom passed very quietly, and was basically unconscious at the end, and Annemarie, her most favorite aide was with her. But I wasn't there. She didn't have a family member with her at the very end. And that is what haunts me. If I hadn't taken the time to make that lunch-to-go, I would have been there when she died.

I have to forgive myself for this.... I was a very good daughter and my mother knew I loved her. I had cared for her for nearly 5 years at this point, and did the best I could in terms of her physical and emotional care. I wish it had been different and I could have been there, but it just didn't happen that way.

I was late because I was trying to take good care of myself by making a healthy lunch. Self-care is important, especially when we are taking care of others. So, I am not going to feel ashamed about it, or say "what if" anymore.

I was with my mother spiritually, as she is now with me.

I forgive myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm glad that you've decided to forgive yourself and move on. I'm sure your mom wouldn't have wanted this eating at you. You took care of her yourself for a long time and she knew you loved her and that's the most important thing. You were a good and loving daughter.

    Take care.

    1942 days ago
    Barb, that is difficult scenario to deal with. I can't help but wonder if your Mom wouldn't have been proud of you for making a choice to take care of yourself. She had experienced your love and care over the years and knew you to be a fine daughter.
    Thanks for sharing from the heart.

    1942 days ago
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    1942 days ago
    What a heart felt blog Barb! And I am so glad to read that you are forgiving yourself for this.

    1942 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/28/2013 1:41:20 PM
  • LADYJ6942
    Oh Barb, so sad but so true. You are right in 1) you had to take care of you to take care of her, 2) you two were always with each other then and now just in different ways and 3) for forgiving yourself. Its time to heal and move forward. Hugs, oodles and ooldes.
    1942 days ago
    Oh Barb emoticon I am glad that you forgive yourself..some things are just out of our control. Your beloved mom is smiling at you and with you always. emoticon
    1942 days ago
  • DOOBIE893
    It is very important to take care of yourself because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else.

    I share your experience of taking care of a parent. You were there when your mother needed you. Maybe it was not meant for you to be there during her passing.

    Forgiveness is the beginning of healing. Forgive yourself for not being there at the time of her death and move on. As you stated, you and your mother are spiritually with each other.

    I am sending you a hug..... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1942 days ago
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