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Push That Tush -- Picture this

Monday, January 28, 2013

Even as an adult, I’ve had people anonymously leave weight loss articles under my car’s windshield wipers while parked by my condo. I assume it was left there by some ‘kind’ friend who didn’t want to offend me {...just ruin my damn day..}

I was organizing things around the house and I came across a few old pictures . {This is unusual because I am very camera shy.}
I was constantly criticized for my size when I was young.
I was 5’ 11” and 190-210 pounds…overweight certainly but not that bad.
I looked fine when I was alone in the picture but
when posing with my petite friends, I always felt like the Goodyear Blimp.
And the crime is, by listening to all that negative dialogue,
I missed out on taking pictures of my life.

I wonder if things would have been different if
I had kept taking pictures all along to see myself as others saw me.
If I had NOT worn stretchy clothes so I COULD have felt
the walls closing in on my expanding frame.
If I HAD made it a habit of taking my measurements.
If I HAD made the scale my monitor back then.

Even Now, I wish I had taken more pictures when I started Spark.
It helps to see the physical transformation that happens.
And yet…I'm fighting with myself to do that.
I know that’s crazy…but it is what it is.
I remember being in a weight loss group session where the moderator mentioned that many obese people start seeing themselves only from the chest up. They blind themselves to what they don’t want to see until a major moment or scare occurs.

I know no one else needs to see the pictures…
these days cameras are digital…I can just put them on my computer…
But I still fight that demon in my head.

Body image is a big struggle for me.
Where I always had thunder thighs, I now have long legs with kankles
and my tush has been deflated. I have wings and a few folds.
But with all my flaws, I’m looking better and standing taller.
I know that’s where continuing to push further comes in.

Beauty is only skin deep but health goes all the way down.

So Starting today, I'm documenting my journey going forward with pictures.
Don't expect public is not gonna happen.
Getting that kind of confidence is still a long way off for me.
But I know that looking at the changes will be a big push.

Enjoy your week emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • STRINGI719
    My body image is all messed up, too. When I weighed 211 and my BMI was over 30, and I was wearing a size 18/20 jeans, I didn't feel that big. I just considered myself "chubby" but never obese. Now that I weigh less than 150 and my BMI is healthy and I wear a size 10, I still feel the same as I did before. I still feel chubby, even though I know I'm not. So, I went from feeling much smaller than I was, to feeling bigger than I am. I guess I mentally feel around a size 14 or so, and no matter what the mirror or the scale or my clothing tells me, I just can't get my brain to change!!!
    1966 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1966 days ago
    You are beautiful. You have such an amazing spirit. You write such wonderful heartfelt things. You have to believe that you have this incredible beauty no matter where you are in your size. I have always felt pretty and sexy no matter how big I've been. And while I definitely feel better and look better as I get closer to my goal, I always made it a point to rock what I had. Maybe they aren't judging you the way they think. Maybe they, like me, envy you for being so tall and beautiful.
    1966 days ago
  • DALID414
    Seeing myself in pictures is how I finally saw how big I was getting. I started cutting my legs off, then the stomach... I realized I didn't want to be a floating head!
    1966 days ago
    I took pics of myself and they are on this computer but not spark. I will continue to record my journey also but like you it will be for my eyes only now.
    1966 days ago
    I forgot to tell you that it was so funny to me that you've mentioned the Goodyers Blimp. By the way, I live very close to the Blimp home base and I watch blimp go take off and coming back home base so often. lol)) I felt I was looks like that when I was obese according to my BMI. Now I am still in over weight category. Some of the clothes when I wear, I don't looks likes and feels likes I am over weight. But since my BMI say so, I will work on harder to get healthy weight range. I will beat the BMI guy.

    1966 days ago
    Well, heck. I was looking forward to some pictures of you in your birthday suit. I was going to put them on my refrigerator with our other high end art!! Pun intended. emoticon
    1966 days ago
    I love your reflection of beauty as a small part of the whole healthy body emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1966 days ago
    5'11!?!?! Gees, I am only 5'1

    Hey, you post or don't post whatever pictures of yourself you feel comfortable with. However, you would be surprise how many people out there will see the beautiful inner you even through pictures.

    1966 days ago
    1966 days ago
    I feel exactly the same way about pictures...I avoid them life the
    My family is picture crazy though. But for most family events you wouldn't even know I was there, I became so adept at avoiding them. emoticon
    I regret the missed opportunities, but I'm getting better about participating now. emoticon
    1967 days ago
    I don't mind pictures if I am acting silly or making faces...I just hate the serious ones. Guess is boils down to the same thing. It is tolerable to not like the pics if I create the reason they are was on purpose...I chose to look that way...still just excuses for bad body image.
    1967 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    I hate having my picture taken! I had my husband take pictures of me when I started Spark and I should probably have him do it again. It's hard.
    1967 days ago
    I am ALWAYS surprised by the fat girl in the photo, LOL. Even when I was at my lowest Spark weight (16 pounds thinner than I am today) the photos are not real pretty. But what IS pretty... my smile... No, I am not beautiful, and I really don't have a beautiful smile. but my smile comes from my heart. I am almost incapable of hiding my feelings, so when I smile (most of the time, actually) it is real.

    Take those pictures... and realize who that beautiful woman is. Because healthy is beautiful!
    1967 days ago
    I think my problem may be just the opposite since joining SP. I feel so much better and feel slimmer, but when I look in the mirror or see a photo I realize I haven't gone as far as I thought. So my inner self is much thinner than reality. Boo hoo! So I feel better about myself when I don't see the reality. I'll just live in my little reality and keep pushing on! lol
    1967 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/28/2013 11:36:58 AM
    I think my problem may be just the opposite since joinging SP. I feel so much better and feel slimmer, but when I look in the mirror or see a photo I realize I haven't gone as far as I thought. So my inner self is much thinner than reality. Boo hoo! So I feel better about myself when I don't see the reality. I'll just live in my little reality and keep pushing on! lol
    1967 days ago
    I've avoided the camera so much of my life too! When my mom passed away and I was looking back at pictures I realized how few she had let us take of her. That's sad for us but also the grandkids who only knew her in her last years, and don't see what she was like when younger. Good pictures or bad pictures, our family will someday want memories of times with us, or just pictures of us in general even if they weren't with us. I have to remember that again and get more pictures of me for the future generations.
    1967 days ago
    I can totally relate - I always made sure to be the designated photographer, because then I was guaranteed NOT to be in any of the pictures. I think deciding to record your progress in photos is a great idea and a way to put your health and progress ahead of your discomfort - it will pay off, in the long run!

    I knew I was in a better place when, this Christmas, going through the pictures of the family festivities, I was actually disappointed that I was only in 2 of them, and that only in the background. Next year, I'm going to try to be front and center in at least a couple of them!

    I like what you said about beauty being only skin deep, but health going all the way down - being healthy allows the beautiful inside to shine on through!
    1967 days ago
  • EDWARDS1411
    Luv what you said, "Beauty is only skin deep but health goes all the way down."
    BTW, I have wings and more than a few folds and I'm less than 5' so stand tall lady and be proud - you are beautiful!!!

    1967 days ago
    I've always been a bit of a ham for the camera, even heavy, but then I was always appalled at how I look in the pics! I never looked that bad in the mirror! I didn't know how to wear clothes properly, find the proper fit for what my size was, etc., and that made the final image even worse.

    Now, I think I'm seeing myself more honestly than ever before. I look in the mirror, smile at the progress, and note the places that still need a good bit of work. But, with the help of more fashion-aware friends, I'm learning to dress the body I have now, so I look good NOW, knowing I'll be doing adjustments all the way down the line, not waiting til some mythical day that I'm "finished" with this journey.
    1967 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    I've been avoiding the camera, too. The person in the photo is unrecognizable to me. I don't know if I've only been seeing myself from the neck up, because I always think I have cute toes. But since there is no magic wand, I will continue to chip away at the excess fat and reveal the masterpiece that is underneath.

    Push that tush! emoticon emoticon
    1967 days ago
    Pictures were something I did on occasion-but I was always feared the aftermath. I still find it hard.
    1967 days ago
  • SCOOTER4263
    Yeah, same here. I hated the camera even when I was normal weight - I'm the least photogenic person on the planet (even my daughter, the professional photographer, agrees.) Still, it might be nice to remember what I looked like a couple decades ago. I was always on the other side of the camera - the family photographer. *shrug* Good photos of everyone else, though.

    I got stuff left under my windshield wiper all the time - even if its for a weight loss program, I try not to take it personally. It's just advertising, I assume - I got them for car washes, nail salons, church activities - surely no one pays *that* much attention to my life to think I need all of those things (although the c emoticon ar wash sounds like a good idea...)
    1967 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/28/2013 9:18:30 AM
    My mouth dropped open as I read about the articles on your windshield. I can't wrap my mind around anyone doing
    that. (no matter how helpful they are
    trying to be)
    1967 days ago
    Go for it! You won't regret it. And forgive yourself for the past.
    1967 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1967 days ago
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    Baby steps ... right? (with the pictures emoticon that is). A picture is what got me started or should I say "shocked" into a change.

    It's a great idea, emoticon
    1967 days ago
    Body image has always been a problem for me and I dislike having my picture taken but we are what we are and looks aren't everything! I feel I have to be happy with what I am and continue to work on being healthy no matter what .... I keep telling myself that the number on the scale is just a number but to continue working on it! So continue working on your health cause you are worth it!

    1967 days ago
    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) Ok, unfortunately I am one of those short people, but believe me, I had the OPPOSITE reaction. I was always wanting to be tall (never mind that even though I/m 4 ft. 10.5 in. my parents are both tall -- Mom is 5 ft. 8 and Dad 6 ft. 3 both having dark brown hair and eyes while I have green eyes and blonde hair!) I did go through a time in my life briefly as a teen when I was petite weight wise, but that's it. Not till I joined SP did I finally attain lasting weight loss appropriate for my frame.

    I know that it has taken me a long time to reconcile the body image of NOW with what was . . . you know . . . part of the self-love "thing". It takes time but from what I'm reading you're on your way to loving the YOU that YOU ARE! Just gotta tell you, you are fabulous. And even if you don't put pictures on this site of your progress (I have to admit I am REALLY bad about that too!) at least you can look on your digi pictures and see in black-and-white the beauty you have!

    HUGS This touched my heart.
    1967 days ago
    Oh yes, I can relate: I get angry at my son when he takes pictures of me... But after reading your blog, I think I will let him take as many pictures as he wants, because I am on my way to looking healthier and it will help seeing the changes! emoticon
    1967 days ago
  • TERRI289
    Everytime I was with friends my height(5'1 or shorter), I felt enormous at 120 lbs. they all weighed 100, or less. Funny when I look back at some of those pictures,I looked pretty petite at 120!! One chin, nice cheekbones, oh well....I will keep leading a healthy life and hope to get back where I want to be...

    It is all about the journey and now I am a big picture taker--gotta love the digital camera.

    so proud of you for deciding to document your journey for your own records!! emoticon emoticon
    1967 days ago
    That makes sense to me. Thanks for sharing.
    1967 days ago
    I feels the same way, I nearly don't have pics of me being obese. I am thinking, if I had taking more picture, I wasn't being obese maybe? I also agree with the being blind myself. I was avoiding see the truth. Oh well, I can't change the past, but I can change my future. Thanks for sharing. emoticon emoticon
    1967 days ago
    Excellent !! Good for you! A baby step, and a huge one at that!! emoticon
    1967 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1967 days ago
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