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A Little More About Me

Monday, January 28, 2013

Well, lets start by saying that this is my very first blog! emoticon
So from the beginning...as a child I was always a little chubby but never severely overweight. However, my father enjoyed calling me a fat cow because of that, even though he was the one that always would stock up our cupboards with bulk costco junk food of every variety. Eventually this created a huge complex for me and I just stopped eating altogether. I became anorexic when I was only 12 but nobody noticed that I was sick...all they saw was how pretty I had become since now I was thin. I pretty much lived on carrots and celery for a couple of years and maintained my 100 pound weight for that whole time.
At 14 I got pregnant with my son. The pregnancy seemed like the perfect excuse for me, to get away from my parents, and to finally be able to eat whatever I wanted without being criticized.
So during those 9 months I ate and I ate and I ate until I managed to gain 100 pounds! Unfortunately, this resulted in extreme stretching of my skin and stretch marks that were 6 inches long and 1 inch wide which also bled at times. After having the baby I immediately went back into anorexic mode and within 5 months I had lost all 100 pounds.

(this is me 5 months after having baby #1)
At 18 I became pregnant again with my daughter and once again I gained back the 100 pounds. However, this time, no matter how hard I tried I could not manage to lose the weight. I tried eating only salads or veggies and even living only on coffee and cigarettes (I know how horrible that sounds) but the weight would just not come off! So I went and saw a dietician who put me on this weird boiled weed salad diet and I joined the local gym, but to no avail. The dietician accused me of lying about following my weight loss plan, otherwise it would have been impossible for me to not lose weight on it! At that point I gave up and I said to myself, what's the point of starving myself when Im not losing anything anyway? So I started to eat...and within the next couple of years I put on another 100 pounds. Eventually my period stopped and I hadnt had one in 2 years when I decided to see a doctor. At first the doctor tried to tell me that I was pregnant. I explained that it was impossible since I hadnt had any relations with a man in a very long time! Only after doing a pregnancy test was she satisfied, and even then she told me that sometimes they are wrong and it was still a possibility! After that she told me that I must be going through a really early menopause....and I'm like, seriously?? Im only 23!! So, I left that day no more knowledgeable about my condition then when I came in. When I got back home I started researching it and I found out about something called PCOS, which makes weight gain too easy, weight loss extremely difficult, causes irregular or no periods, and extra hair growth among many other lovely things. So, I went back to the doctor and I said to her, do you think I may have this? And she looked at it and she said...hmmm its possible. She then sent me for some tests and when they came back she told me that it was confirmed that I had PCOS (although later on I learned that there actually isnt a specific test that can confirm it) she then went on to say that I was very lucky that I had my kids early because I was never going to be able to get pregnant again. I left her office devastated.
In 2008, after fertility treatment (chlomid) I became pregnant with my twins. I was ecstatic! Unfortunately, that pregnancy brought me to my highest weight ever, 318 pounds. I have managed to lose some of it a couple of times and have gone down to 248 before but unfortunately my depression (which I've been struggling with since I was 12) always manages to screw everything up for me. When I get depressed all I do is eat and sleep and within a few months I always gain it back.
In February of 2011 I had to leave my job because of my depression and currently I am on long term disability because of it. I rarely leave my house (only once a week to buy food) because I am ashamed of how my body looks and because I dont like people. They can be very mean. And I'm so tired of hearing what a pretty face I have...it just makes me feel more self conscious cuz I know the rest is really not pretty. I guess I've kinda become sociophobic, and I think I've lost my ability to communicate with people. Even commenting on posts here is a big step for me, as I usually like to just lurk and be unnoticed.
I am glad to have found a couple of teams on here though because the challenges really hold me accountable and I think before I eat anything unhealthy. My biggest problem lately has actually been eating enough calories to meet my daily goals because I am not on a new medication for my depression that has massively reduced my appetite and sometimes I have to force myself to eat. I know some might think that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I want to lose weight in a healthy way so that I will have a chance to keep it off.
I think that enough info for one night....its getting late again (another one of my problems!)
Thanks for reading emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD8830405
    So you sang to me before I knew anything about you, but I have to say that you are a beautiful woman, clearly very in touch with you, clearly with goals and desires, and I can't fathom how you won;t succeed.
    2554 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12568371
    emoticon :::nods::: people can be mean... i am so glad we have a place where we can come & talk about these things, when we have the time & urge ~ i'm usually the one in pink fuzzy slippers ;)

    (methinks u r not alone, and many people share similar stories & hurts ~ you didn't deserve any of that ~ you are as precious as those kidlets u had :)
    2565 days ago
    I can completely relate to you & you sound just like me as well! I commend you for being so honest & putting your entire feelings out there. Thank you for sharing your story you inspire me. I wish you the best of luck on your journey emoticon emoticon
    2565 days ago
    Yay, I got to read your story for your blog today. It sounds like many of us have had agoraphobia in the past/currently. Me, too. I just love this SparkPeople, we're facing up to our issues and because we care, helping ourselves and each other through them.

    I appreciate you baring your soul emoticon , I'm going to be working on some fearful stuff along the way. The honesty you shared and everyone's kind responses have me crying w/relief emoticon that I'll have the link to support I realized was missing from my past efforts to grow.

    Thanks for all of you folks that were here before me and as newbs climb on board, emoticon for our journey.
    2578 days ago
  • HEATHER1969
    Welcome girl and Congrats on your first blog!

    Glad to see you've joined Spark and that your reaching out! emoticon

    I could say a ton of things, but I don't want to be repetitive... what I do want to say is that you will find a ton of support here at Spark people and baby stepping is a great way to start... one step at a time, one positive thought at a time, one mouthful at a time..... One Smile at a time.... day by day girl you really can do this!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2581 days ago
    Thank you for posting your blog... it was great to learn more about you! It sounds like you've been through a lot since a young age and have come a long way in overcoming your obstacles!
    I also have PCOS and it is so frustrating. I'm sorry the first doctor was so unhelpful in figuring out what was going on. I'm on metformin for mine, and am about to start my 2nd cycle on clomid.
    2582 days ago
  • TERESA6262
    You are beautiful and brave! We're here for support! Thanks for being so honest! I think the willingness of Spark friends to be vulnerable helps us all.
    2582 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12359883
    emoticon First, off - HUGS! emoticon

    Second - well done on your first blog post! I know it was probably a little scary to put all of that out there, but know that there are loads of us out here on SP that are also dealing with depression in our own ways. Hopefully you'll reach out to a few folks here and we can help you out.

    Third - follow the nuitritional guidelines here on SP. I have had some disordered eating the past and have found that the nutritional guidelines are really good. Plus you can tailor it to your needs (like for me I need to cut out all lactose). Play with your food - spice it up! And give yourself set meal times and snack times. It may be that you enjoy having a lot of small meals instead of three big ones. You just need to find what works for you. (Personally I need to graze in the morning, but then have a set lunch and dinner time.)

    Hope I helped a little!

    emoticon emoticon
    2583 days ago
    Maria, you are beautiful inside and out!! No matter what! What courage you have to post this blog. Although my heart aches for you reading it, it also sings at the steps you have taken for yourself. It is so honest and I believe that you have taken a huge step in helping to heal yourself.
    You may struggle getting out and being social, but it's obvious that you crave the interaction because you are here. Some people are mean, but when we find the right ones, the ones who will support us and hold us up and be there when we really need them it makes it all worth it. I would be honored to be one of those people for you. Anytime you need a shoulder to lean on or someone to keep you extra accountable I'll be here.
    Thank you for this well written blog, it was so nice to be able to get to know you better.
    I know that you can reach your goals, just remember that you are worth it!
    2583 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7868301
    Great first blog :) Good for you to wanting to lose weight in a healthy way and making sure you get enough calories and nutrients each day! emoticon

    2583 days ago
    This is a great first blog! I commend you for having the courage to write it and tell your story. You've accomplished a lot at such a young age. You should feel very proud of yourself for stepping up and doing wjat is in your power to take care of you.

    I look forward to reading more about you and getting to know you better.
    2583 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/28/2013 2:42:25 PM
    What a great first blog. You did great!! So honest and open. Thank you.

    I guess that you have to find a way through your past hurts to have a brighter future. We do need other people in our lives and it can be hard to let someone in. I would urge you to try and find a therapist that you can work with. There are good and bad out there so try a few. Staying in the house becomes so easy that if you let it, it will become your prison!

    Please stick with Spark, we are all on our own journeys but it is so nice to have online friends to enjoy it with.

    emoticon emoticon

    2583 days ago
    Wow -- what an honest and heartsearing blog!

    I wish I could print your blog and show it to my father. I am one of six siblings, and all six of us have disordered eating. When I was the one living through it I did not recognize his behavior for what it was, but my youngest siblings are almost 9 years younger and I watched him tease/torment/torture my youngest sister into an eating disorder. The fights we had about how he talked to her! And he completely refused -- and refuses -- to acknowledge that he had anything to do with it. He blames all of our weight issues on our mother, who is also obese -- but who never struggled with her weight until years into an abusive marriage (with him). My family is largely divisible into the morbidly obese and the anorexic, which paradoxically means that the thinnest of us are in many ways the LEAST healthy -- which they recognize, but my father thinks they are the successful ones -- which is why when my one sister who has been struggling with anorexia that affects her self-image, her health, her marriage, how she raises her kids -- in short, everything -- told him her problems tarted with how he talked to her (in an effort to get him to stop talking like that to our younger sister) he took that as encouragement.

    That was a very long-winded way of saying I hear you sister and you're in the right place to make a change.

    2584 days ago
  • POOH97015
    I really commend you for writing this. What a big step for you. I suffer from major depression too and went through an agoraphobic phase for about 9 months where I wouldn't leave the house unless I absolutely had to like to go grocery shopping and then I would have panic attacks. I wouldn't even get my mail for weeks at a time. I finally started going to a corner market and getting a pop a day and made friends with the people at the market. That was 6 or more years ago, and one of those people is now my roommate! He and I are the best of friends. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who has had a hard upbringing and it sounds like you might need to have your medication tweaked a bit. I feel for you. I have been there. Just take baby steps like you have been and slowly start joining in and it will get easier. People here just want to be your friend--not judge you or put you down. This could be your safe place as you get to know people and work off some of your weight. I would love to be your friend and get to know you better and check in with you once in a while and see how you are doing, but I will leave that up to you if you want to add me as a friend. Take good care of yourself and never forget how wonderful and special you are!
    2584 days ago
    Great first blog. You've had a hard life. I hope you try to get out of the house more often. I could list a tons of options but I'm sure you heard them all before. Being stuck in the house is not good for your depression. I've been there. I've had weeks where I didn't get out of bed except to eat, clean the house and use the bathroom. Starting slow is good for some people. I throw myself into new activities. When I started swimming, I went six days a week and swam for at least a half hour. When I take walks, I walk for hours and hours. I can't do anything halfway. You have to do what is right for you. Best of luck.
    2584 days ago
    This is an amazing blog for it being your first one!! You truly are a beautiful person even at your weight. Notice I didn't say you have a pretty face, even though you do! You are a unique individual and worthy of being at the weight that is healthy. What is PCOS? Just curious. I also suffer from a mental illness and am on disability. I have also had some health issues come up in the last year. I am a bit older than you and have never had children. I have a passion for my nieces and nephews and their children. Needless to say I have a big family!! That is nice for me. You have 4 children. Wow! You are young and beautiful!! I have been isolating lately and can understand how mean people can be. There are those out there that are good and that care. You just need to find them!! Do you have a NAMI-National Alliance of the Mentally ill in your city? It might be helpful. They have support groups and teach great classes like Peer to Peer. I will add more to a Spark Mail. This is a great blog!! Especially for your first one. Keep it up!! Angie emoticon
    2584 days ago
  • ADZY86
    Wow what a fantastic and honest first blog. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It is inspiring that, despite all you are going through, you are here make the effort to improve yourself and your life and stepping out of your comfort zone to connect with people on Spark.

    Really wishing you all the best in your journey. emoticon
    2584 days ago
    Very brave of you to post all of this. Sounds like you had some very bad dieticians and doctors. Remember- You are not your thoughts and over time you can train them to be in support of all your healthful efforts. I recommend checking out Meadow Devor (http://meadowdevor.squarespace.com
    /) or Martha Beck or Wayne Dyer if you haven't already. I wish you the best!
    2584 days ago
    Welcome and great first blog! You have a voice here and I hope you blog often. I am sorry you are dealing with depression and hope you push to get out more. I would like to put you on my friends list and I would be happy to support your journey to health in any way I can.

    2584 days ago
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