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A Very Bumpy Week 3 Has Ended. Nice Try, Depression.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I'm so glad week 3 is over and I'm still alive. Week 3 has been terrible. I hit the occasional rough spot with my depression and my sleep, appetite, and mood suffered as a result. Weighed this morning and found that I gained a pound since Thursday. I've been running it over in my head trying to figure out how. I didn't splurge or anything and I thought I exercised as well as I could. I've still lost a pound since last week. A small victory is better than none.

The dreaded fluctuation happens with every diet I go on, though usually I can be as much as 5lbs. The last time I tried to lose weight I lost about 15lbs and gained 5 or 6. I got so angry and just quit. I had no idea how it happened or why it does every time. I can't afford to see a doctor and check my thyroid, but they did mention it looked unusual the last time I was able to go about 3 years ago. My mom mentioned innocently that if it is my thyroid maybe I won't be able to lose weight and that totally threw my confidence over the edge. It wasn't her fault though. It my decision alone to give up.

This time I intend to keep my workout schedule and try my best even if the scale doesn't move, because I have other reasons to get healthier: like building my strength. I used to be a brute but over the last couple of years my body has gotten so weak I can't lift anything anymore. I can't go out and have fun with family and friends because I'm always falling behind and winded, I'm embarrassed to buy clothes with other people because of my size, I'm fatigued every day. Just sick of it.. I've decided I'm going to keep my exercise schedule and build my strength no matter what.

Instead of dwelling on the negative as I usually do, here are my victories for the week:
I lost 1 pound.
I did all of my exercise even though I really didn't feel like it any day this week.
I was able to do more during my workouts this week than I had been, such as balancing on one leg during the rapid leg lifts/kicks session and doing crunches without modification. Wasn't possible when I started 3 weeks ago.
...and my favorite for the week. I didn't buckle to emotional eating. There were a couple times I got so frustrated and wanted to eat, sometimes right after dinner. Usually I would eat again without a second thought, but this week I said to myself. "You're not hungry, you're angry; there's a difference."

Week 4 begins slightly deflated, but still motivated. I'm not going to give up that easily this time. Nice try, depression.
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