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Digging a little deeper into the past.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

So I have said this before, but in some ways I have a lot of growing up to do and in some ways I need to de-mature if that makes any sense at all. I wish I could say my issues are my ex's doing but unfortunately he can't take credit for all of them.

So I grew up in an environment where if I got hurt, or was hurting about something I never got met with any kind of tenderness or sympathy. In fact it was the opposite, if I was hurting at all I had to just suck it up and get over it. In fact my mom would tell me to stop being a baby and not in a joking manner either. My dad wasn't around and had no idea how to deal with a crying little girl anyway. There was no one else. I learned to shut that side off I guess or at least keep it locked down very tight in my heart. It was ok for my mom to share her feelings with me but it wasn't ok to voice any of mine. My feelings were a waste of time to everyone else. Well as I got older I became the person who everyone came to with stuff but I never shared any of mine. I had a best friend that I could share my feelings with, while he was in my life, but he was in and out soo much that it wasn't enough to offset anything. When my ex came into the picture, my feelings being a waste of people's time just became magnified. He didn't have time for my feelings, they were bs. I always choose the most inopportune times to share my feelings. My last bf traveled down that road a little too, by saying that everything I was going through was just too much for him to deal with. He was happy for me to vent to him but only once in a while.

So that led to me not developing my skills when it comes to communicating my feelings. I'm excellent at communicating when it comes to my values, advice, past experiences but when it comes down to sharing how things affect me and make me feel, I'm like a three year old, quite literally. I can write just fine, but what I'm talking about is face to face communication. And when I say I act like a three year old, I will bury my face in a blanket because I don't feel "safe" sharing what I'm trying to share. It will almost be agonizing to get stuff out of me. I wish I could say it was otherwise but I can't. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away but I can't. No one's ever wanted to take the time to listen.

So it leads to my issues of trust being rooted ridiculously deep. Now I'm not whining about my childhood. It is what it is. I do have problems that are a result of it.

What makes it worse is that I completely shut down. I don't just clam up, I almost literally disappear inside of myself, and I don't know how to come out of it. I am completely unreachable. It's almost like a newborn everything is gone, it comes down to basic survival means, and instincts. Sometimes I don't even know what's going on, I can't tell you anything, thoughts, feelings or otherwise. So I think people don't want to deal with it because in terms of my age that's something you would expect from a little kid. But you know, I've read through this quote a few times now, that "you should listen to the little things your kids have to say when they are little because then when they are big they won't tell you the big things because to them they have always been big things". When things like that become problems a person is stuck in whatever stage they stopped "developing" at.

In those "moments" nothing is rational, anymore. It comes down to feeling safe. And it's not that I don't trust people. There are people that I can literally trust with my life, but I guess to me, those things locked tight, are more valuable than my life. That takes much more.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have nothing to worry about in terms of your development. You're aware of it, and can work on it in time with people who truly care about you and are comfortable expressing yourself with.

    Honestly, I have had a similar situation (I know I've said that a lot but we really do have a lot in common). When I was young I was very sensitive and cried easily and all I can remember to this day was my family constantly laughing at me when that happened. Which made me cry harder and say "You're making fun of me!", which made them laugh harder.

    So I learned to push away my feelings too, but they would come out in my relationships and people wouldn't be able to deal with them because they were too intense and too often BECAUSE i never got a chance anywhere else to open up.

    One important thing I have found helpful is opening up by writing in a journal, or, as you do now, a blog :) This way you can be open and honest about your feelings and not be judged for them - in fact usually the opposite on here!

    I've learned lots of other tips on how to deal with it through my life and am in a relatively good place now - now when I get upset I am able to calmly talk things through as long as the other person can do the same. If you ever wanted to learn more about things that I've found helped, feel free to ask :)

    *hugs* you're such a wonderful person. Those things are hard to open up because everyone you tried talking to made you feel unsafe, so even if you trust people, you might not trust them with what you've learned isn't safe. It's not a reflection of you or them, but of your experience. And you can slowly open up if/when you're ready with whoever you are comfortable with. I think it's a lifelong journey - just like eating healthy and exercising healthy, it's just learning to do things a new way.
    1939 days ago
    Practice makes perfect. I know to you this seems like such a huge thing to overcome and at first it IS agonizing and completely uncomfortable. Every time you do it -- open your mouth and say how you feel -- it becomes easier. But you have to start. There will be people who won't, as you fear, care or have patience. You will also get used to that and learn to brush off that rejection.

    Eventually your vibe will also start to shift. You'll start to attract people who are patient and understanding and won't settle for a one-sided relationship. When I was in my 20s I never, ever showed anyone that I cared or needed them or really that they were important. It was always kind of whatever. That includes family and friends. As I got older, that got lonelier and lonelier. I longed for intimacy but nobody in my life seemed willing to give it even when I tried to make that shift. I thought the whole world was that way. Then I realized I had surrounded myself with people just like me because people who were open with their feelings made me super uncomfortable.

    I started seeking out different qualities in friends and slowly but surely I built the life I wanted. My life is full of so many people who are more than willing to support me and be there for me the way I was always there for everyone else. And they always take the time to tell me I matter. Sometimes I still find it hard to ask for help or tell someone how I feel or what they mean but they give me a gentle push, whether by their own actions or in their words.

    And there's something to be said for growing up tough. I know it's created problems but I think it's also made you a survivor. Just have to find that balance now. Good luck.
    1943 days ago
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