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Sometimes I Feel Insecure

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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Today is day 26 of my current streak! (Previous streaks; 290 days and 13 days.)

There are only 55 days until the first day of Spring! I have a certain t shirt that I am hoping to fit into by then. Its hanging on the outside of my closet door, so I see it every day to remind me to keep working hard.

On February first, I'm going to have hubby take front and side pictures of me. I'm pretty nervous about that, because to be honest, I don't think there will be much difference since my last set of front and side photos were taken last August. I haven't weighed myself since September 3rd, but I just don't feel like I've lost much weight since then.

The reason I don't weigh myself is that I know my weakness, and that weakness is this; if I weigh myself and have a bad result, I know I will be tempted to comfort myself with food. If I weigh myself and have a good result, I'd be tempted to reward myself with food. This has always been the way I've reacted to the scale in the past, and although I'd like to think that I'm stronger now and would NOT turn to food...well, I just don't want to tempt fate! So for me, staying off the scale and just looking for NSV's (Non-Scale Victories) seems to work best.

I am working so hard to lose this weight. I focus every day on eating as healthy as I possibly can. I've almost completely eliminated processed foods from my daily diet. I eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. I workout, and I try to do different things. I still do my DDP Yoga every day, but recently I traded in my cardio kickboxing workout for Zumba instead. I do all the little things, like parking further away when I go shopping, and dancing while I do housework. But I just don't feel like I've lost much weight since September.

My body has firmed up in some areas, though. I have (slightly) visible calf muscles. My thighs, buns and waist are firmer. And I definitely have become stronger, more flexible and more energetic. I feel healthier than I have in years!

But I'm also feeling insecure. When I post my new front and side pictures on February first, will people be let down that I'm not thin yet? And when I weigh myself on March first, what will people think of me if I haven't lost much weight since my September weigh in?

Since I started my journey last March, I've shared it here in my blogs and I've gotten so much support and encouragement, and it has meant the world to me. So I know I don't HAVE to post pictures or weigh in results....but I want to. Good or bad, I want to be honest.

If I don't like the way I look in my upcoming February 1st pictures, or what the results of my March 1st weigh in will be, I will be disappointed. But I won't be disappointed in MYSELF, because I can honestly say that I have been doing my best. And with God's help, I will keep on trying, and trying, and trying. I know I will reach my goal eventually, as long as I never give up on myself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
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    1886 days ago
    You have made a lot of progress. Your Spark family believes in you and supports you. I was actually have some of those thoughts and need some encouragement when I picked your blog. You are a winner. emoticon
    1890 days ago
    1892 days ago
    You don't have anything to worry about! You've been working hard, and that's what matters!
    1894 days ago
    No one will judge you. Everyone will be inspired and feel that you have done something very brave and awesome. Or at least I will.
    1905 days ago
    You are a gem! Just be and love YOU!
    1905 days ago
    In my eyes, maintaining is a victory just as much a losing the weight. Be proud of yourself. You are doing great!
    1907 days ago
    I am 100 percent positive that all the support you have gotten will not fade based on your results! good or bad:) and the fact that you have changed your lifestyle and done what you can and are proud of yourself for the effort you have put in is victory enough! if you are disappointed with your results... you just keep pushing until you get the result you want and it WILL come because of your consistency!!! and it's good to learn new ways to deal with disappointment because it's going to come at some point in our lives and you'll just feel it and move on. it won't trap you, it'll just be there and then gone because you are CHANGING YOUR LIFE and DOING A GREAT JOB OF IT! Congratulations on all you have accomplished thus far and do not let fear of other people stop you from pushing through! i'm excited to hear about your results:) you're gonna ROCK IT!

    1907 days ago
  • MONIQUE432
    Hi, I have learned not to be caught up with what the scale says. There are other ways to measure if we are as healthy as we desire to be. I just read this blog post which really puts things in perspective. I thought I'd share it with you as a source of encouragement http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
    1908 days ago
  • SHIRE33
    You know, you might also have your vitals taken Feb. 1 -- blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. Then in six months have them taken again. If you had done that in September, I bet you'd see TONS of improvement by now! Just think of how much *healthier* you are INSIDE. So there's no way you have done anything but succeed. : )

    1908 days ago
  • BRENDA_G50
    Dear Pixie, whatever the scales or pictures say or look like, it doesn't matter!!! YOU are what matters and YOU have been my inspiration. YOU have also inspired a bunch of other people just like me. I love your never quit attitude!!! Hope your back starts feeling better REAL SOON.


    1909 days ago
    Pixie: You cover the full gamut of what it is like to be on the journey to health. I have not lost much since September. I did just recently use the data of the last 5 months to readjust my program. The loss started up again but very slowly. I take satisfaction that in where I am now compared to a year ago. But you already know that. You have it in you!
    1909 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    Once again you the Star.
    1909 days ago
    Pixie, you are an inspiration. Even if the numbers don't move, the work you do and the healthy choices you are making speak volumes. Keep up the great work!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1909 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    We could never be disappointed in you! This is not a race, this is our life! One step at a time, one day at a time. You are doing awesome, we are women and as we all know, the weight loss is a hard won victory but the number doesn't matter because every day, we are getting healthier, stronger, better and so what if the scale doesn't tell the whole tale, we know the truth, we know how hard we try, how hard it is not to eat certain things, or to much of certain things. Don't be so hard on yourself, you would be the first to say that we should not be hard on ourselves if we posted pics and were disappointed in what we had not lost!
    We are each others champions and we will always be here to cheer you on and to keep on pushing right along beside you!!
    emoticon emoticon YOU ARE emoticon , don't ever forget it.
    Hugs, Holly
    1909 days ago
    emoticon and it will be emoticon
    1910 days ago
    Pixie no matter the number on the scale you are already winning at the weight loss, your working out every day, staying focused on eating healthy...you are a success! You are more, much more then that your ability to be so open and honest with your post on SP is a blessing to us out here struggling each day to stay on track with our food, exercise...

    Thank you and God Bless you my friend!

    Be Fierce!

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    1910 days ago
    You are such an inspiration! I wish I could be as strong as you and not weigh in, but alas, it's my daily reality check. I don't let it affect my eating though, or at least that's what I'm working on.

    You are doing a great job, and when you post the pics Feb 1 (if you decide to) just appreciate how far you've come. It's so easy for us to be so critical of ourselves when we shouldn't be!

    I look forward to keep reading more and more about your journey!

    1910 days ago
    I'm looking forward to seeing your pictures! I feel quite sure that your own eyes may be blurring what you see and that the rest of us will be able to give you a sharper focus. Please allow us the honor of helping you see your progress in a clearer way!

    You have done so much for yourself and for the rest of us. Let us do something for you!
    1910 days ago
    When you wake up in the morning and you feel like the insecurities are there ... Look in the mirror and dont think of what tomorrow is think about yesterday and how far you have come not how far you have to go. Insecurity is just your mind reminding you of all the evil that is out there so have enough courage to let it go and be brave enough to continue on the path you are on. emoticon
    1910 days ago
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    1910 days ago
    None of us will think anything negative if you haven't lost as much weight as you're hoping - the important thing, as you know, is that you are living SUCH a healthy lifestyle! That's the only thing we sparkfolk should care about. :) And your efforts are truly amazing; I have so much admiration for you, regardless of weight loss!
    1910 days ago
  • JAMER123
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    You are going to make your goals whether you do it with your timeline or not. Great motivation for us!!!
    1910 days ago
    1910 days ago
    Pixie, you certainly don't need to be worried about any of us!! You have done and are doing an amazing job with being who you are and telling us about it, being faithful to your commitment and challenging us to do the same!! No apologies now or anytime!! You are fearfully and wonderfully made and getting better every day with NSV that are obvious and other that are more subtle. Have faith, m'dear!! You are terrific!
    1910 days ago
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    1910 days ago
    1910 days ago
  • ZIGGY122
    emoticon is what you are Pixie!...you pay it forward with your blogs and encouraging you friends weekly . We love you for who you are not what a picture shows or a number on the scale. emoticon
    1910 days ago
    Pixie, we all at some point, put trips on ourselves with expectations . Obviously, parents, society, work, others can do this too.

    Once I heard a lady say, I'd rather meet only 1/2 of all these expectations, than never
    have dreams, be passive, or hope for anything.

    You have some miles on your journey, the only way you could possible fail, is to completely get off the trial and never return, and park it. WE DON THINK YOU WILL DO THAT

    We are cheering for you.

    Maybe, you won't see a dig deal in numbers, but feeling good, not being sick, keep doing he right thing,

    That speaks volumes.

    You know what... if you didn't live in another state, it would be cool to have lunch with some of us.

    I can barely wait to see your before and after pic.

    I 've never met you personally, but I am glad for you.

    Also it seemed you mentioned something about God. He can help you also. emoticon
    1911 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1911 days ago
    I often feel that way myself. Stick with it! Keep up the good work and it will all pay off!
    1911 days ago
    You are doing great. Don't worry about what others think - you know you have been working hard, and that is what counts! I admire your ability to ignore the scale. I have a love-hate relationship with mine. emoticon

    We all feel insecure at various times in our life..... it is part of being a typical person!!!
    1911 days ago
    Hi Pixie.........
    This is your journey and how you feel about yourself is what matters. I can hear your pride in your NSVs and you are feeling so much healthier. That has to be more important than a number on the scale. You are doing a great job. emoticon
    1911 days ago
    How you feel is so much more important than how you look - keep pushing! !
    1911 days ago
    dont worry. you will and do look fantasic !
    1911 days ago
    The closer you get to you goal - the smaller the visible changes. YOU know your waist is firmer, your calf muscles are shaping. If you aren't happy with the photos - then look at the real thing and rejoice.

    1911 days ago
  • AME4IT
    I'm here to support and encourage you on your lifestyle through the good, bad, ugly, tiring days - regardless of what the pictures look like or the number that shows on the scale. You have achieved so many amazing NSVs and have great goals.
    1911 days ago
    If people are disappointed in the pics, it's their problem. I know it's hard for yourself not to be disapointed by pics or scales, but I've learned personally that NSV's are very cool because they still mean progress forward. They just aren't always visible to others.

    It's a lifestyle choice, not a sprint. Results and progress need to be framed in a positive way. Each better choice you make is a bad choice you didn't .

    Just remember, you're doing it for you, not for us and that's what counts!

    Karen emoticon
    1911 days ago
  • KWING517
    First of all, I have to state the obvious - NO ONE is/will be disappointed in you!! I, for one (and it looks like many, many others) am so proud of you and so aprreciative that you share your journey with us that disappointment couldn't possible even happen :)

    I struggle every day. Especially right now when it's dark and cold out and I can't exercise at night because kids have too many activities so all I do is drive, wait, drive, wait....all night and every weekend. So, my weight loss has slowed down, and I have the same thoughts - will my co-workers notice and be disappointed? Will my husband be disappointed? What about my parents, my kids?

    You know what they ALL say to me, every day? "Wow, you look great today!" and "I'm so proud of you" and "MOM! That's MY shirt! Get it off!!" Hehe, I love that last one :)

    Your journey is for you, not for us. We're all proud of you for being here and trying to make a better life for yourself - we don't care what the scale says!!

    Have a great day!!
    1911 days ago
    It is okay to feel insecure. It is NOT okay to be paralyzed because of it! As long as YOU are feeling better, more energetic, more muscular--then you are moving in the right direction!! Don't get discouraged--just keep working out!!
    1911 days ago
    I've had these same thoughts a million times. But then I realized something when I saw a picture of myself recently. In those pictures I an see a difference. Maybe not that I'm suddenly thin, or that the scale shows huge weight loss. But what I saw was my happy. I look better, there are some little muscles in my arms, nothing to write home about but for me they are. My skin looks better, and I'm smiling. I look confident. Sure I can still rip that picture apart for all the bad things I see but for once I saw some good things first.
    When you see those pictures it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, just you. You know you've put the work in, you know you have been giving it your best, so when you look at those pictures challenge yourself to find something great about them before ever letting something bad enter your mind.
    1911 days ago
    This is so well written and I have felt this exact way. But Pixie no matter what pictures show YOU will never be a disappointment...you are such an inspiration to me!! You are always there with encouragement and advice. You have always been honest about your successes and your failures, which keeps me going and gives me hope that I can lose that 70+ lbs too. You said it yourself, you are more energetic, more flexible, more toned.... so take those pictures and CELEBRATE girl...YOU ARE A SUCCESS!!!
    1911 days ago
    You are such a strong, sassy, uplifting person, and then you post about your insecurities. Take the pics, enjoy them mightily and know that no matter what...in ten years you will look at them and say, "damn! I was looking fine back then!"

    Love you, Pix. Thanks for all you do for all of us.
    1911 days ago
  • DJSHIP46
    Don't be afraid... whether you are losing weight or not... you are gaining health & strength... Decide that you want it more than you fear it and just keep pushing!!!
    1911 days ago
    Stop for one moment and read what you wrote. You feel better than you have in along time. You are more toned. You feel healthier. You are eating better and moving. What's on the scale is just a number. It can not measure health and should not affect your happiness.

    Your body is a vessel and the outside is just the covering. It's wonderful when it looks good but it's what's on the inside that really counts.

    emoticon You are beautiful as long as you smile. You will be better as long as you keep moving. We all struggle with our body image and the scale but nothing beats good health. Know that we are with you and will not judge you no matter what the scale says. emoticon emoticon
    1911 days ago
  • HEARTS116
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    1911 days ago
    Your words gave me goose bumps this morning because I have those exact thoughts. I've been more vocal about my new healthy lifestyle, but I still worry that I won't do enough for people, or I'll let them down. But in the end, I have to work on remembering that I'm doing this for me and no one else. Period. The support and motivation I find on SP has been amazing, and based on the comments already on your blog, you have motivated and inspired so many other people! Keep that in mind, even if your results are not exactly what you want...as long as you are keeping YOUR goal in mind, no one else's, right?
    1911 days ago
    1911 days ago
    You can do it! We're all behind you. Keep up the good work! Hugs!!!!
    1911 days ago
    You know you judge yourself way harder than we would ever think to Be kind to yourself when you being to judge yourself ask would I think,say and act like that to a friend ??? be your own best friend we are all behind you loving your effort and courage
    1911 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.