15,000-19,999 SparkPoints 19,506

Fell into a small hole

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Of depression and anxiety, that is.

The hole has gotten smaller over the years. It used to be a grand canyon that seemed impossible to climb out of and where I would get lost for days, months, years on end. No matter how much I cried or worried or ate, I couldn't fill that canyon. Through therapy, the canyon shrunk down to the size of a kiddie pool. Then it temporarily widened back out to lake-sized during the divorce. Over the past two years, it has slowly shrunk again (with random fluctuations) until it's now the size of one of those random holes in your backyard. Like the ones that some neighborhood dog has dug up while looking for moles. Or the one your kids used to try to dig to China, then forgot to refill.

You're out there one day, just walking along, completely oblivious to it. And then BAM! you step in it and end up twisting your ankle (or breaking it). You fall on your face and get covered in mud. Now you've got to limp back to the house and get cleaned up.

That's where I'm at these days. Things were going OK. Not getting a teaching job was a bit of a setback, but with the stress of finishing school and just needing a JOB, I weathered that storm. Things were great with B, especially over the holidays.

But then the beginning of the year hit, and I fell in the hole. I don't know why exactly. I know I'm miserable not being able to teach. I still am not financially where I want to be. The issues with this house are getting to me. The cats are aggravating at times. I miss B during the week. All this has been the case for a few months, but I've just been skipping along, not seeing the hole in front of me until I fell in it.

So now, I'm cursing and rolling around in the dirt. It's getting dark, and I know I've got to get my gimpy a** back to the house and get cleaned up. Unfortunately, it feels like all I have the strength to do is just lay in the dirt for awhile. The bad part about this is that it causes all kinds of irrational anxiety-ridden thoughts to run through me head. For example: B and I are great, but this depression was causing me to question everything. I am so glad that he is so understanding (well, at least willing to listen and comfort me. I know it's hard to understand depression sometimes). So by talking to him about it, my relationship worries were put to rest, but other irrational worries still remain.

And I am just worn out. When I say worn out, I mean it is a b**ch to even get up and do normal things like dishes or going to the store. I'm listless and nothing seems interesting, which is crazy because I NEVER get bored.

I know what the signs are. I know I need to do something to fix it. But it might be a little bit before I can get back out of the dirt. I can't shake off the injury and "just get over it" (famous words from my ex-husband).

My therapist said that someone suffering long-term depression can climb out of it, but that it will likely keep coming back. However, each time it does, as long as I acknowledge it and work through it, these depression holes will just get smaller and smaller each time.

I know that, but it's still scary whenever a hole pops up.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon I've been trying to crawl out of the same hole.
    1972 days ago
  • KATYDID412
    Sending hugs your way. I can relate.

    1972 days ago
    This was the best analogy for depression I have ever read. I recently fell into one of those sneaky holes. Realizing that my dad is refusing to help with my wedding because it is my second marriage and the missing my daughter (this depression leads to anxiety attacks when not nipped in the bud) has had me up screaming and crying in the middle of night twice in the past week. Thankfully Derrell is so supportive. But you are right that when you start recognizing those things creeping up, you have to acknowledge it before you are in a pit for months. I am so glad you wrote this.
    1972 days ago
    1972 days ago
    Have you thought about light-therapy? If these bouts of depression tend to occur at this time of year, it is very possible that you have SAD. I bought light therapy lights at Costco for about 150 dollars and when I lived where it was dark a lot, they made a huge difference in my ability to cope with the world around me.

    I'm sorry things are bleak right now. I've been there. As far as teaching goes, have you thought about subbing? Sometimes it is a good way to get your feet in the door of a school, and then when there is an opening, you are right there. Otherwise, if you are open to moving, there are certain places in the country that are starving for teachers. I a friend of mine just moved to Kentucky to teach because she couldn't get a job in Maryland. She plans to teach there for a few years to get some experience, and then move overseas to teach in a school like mine.

    Hang in there!


    1972 days ago
    I do hope you are feeling better. It sounds like you are understanding yourself more and more.
    1973 days ago
    emoticon Totally know how you feel. My hole is getting smaller, too, but it's still there.

    Your analogy reminded me of this poem:

    There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
    Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
    By Portia Nelson

    Chapter One
    I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I fall in.
    I am lost…I am helpless.
    It isn’t my fault.
    It takes forever to find a way out.

    Chapter Two
    I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I pretend that I don’t see it.
    I fall in again.
    I can’t believe I am in this same place.
    But, it isn’t my fault.
    It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter Three
    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I see it is there.
    I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
    My eyes are open
    I know where I am
    It is my fault.
    I get out immediately.

    Chapter Four
    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I walk around it.

    Chapter Five
    I walk down another street.
    1973 days ago
  • DAWNESS0404
    1973 days ago
    I hope you are feeling better soon. Take it one day at a time. emoticon
    1973 days ago
    emoticon I know what you mean when you say you don't feel like doing anything. How is your vitamin D? This time of year gets a lot of people down because of lack of sunshine. I take 5,000 IU a day and it really helps, but even I still get down sometimes. Check with your doc if you can.


    1973 days ago
    I have a Friend Who always helps me. You've probably heard of Him, may have uttered His name when you've tripped in those holes. He doesn't make the problems disappear - He just walks me through them.Or carries me sometimes. I hope you meet Him personally.
    TmqKSy0 Keep learning. Take good care of your body.
    1973 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.