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Not Fun

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

So here's what I've been contemplating since I read and joined SparkPeople: I'm not having any fun. I'm trying, really, desperately trying to have fun making healthy living and weight loss fun.

Reading the book, I've found that many people have children for which they're motivated to become healthy, that many people have a significant other for which to become healthy, and I don't fall into either of those groups. It's me. Alone. Oh sure, I have solid, wonderful, loving parents and a great best friend and a group of friends but I...AM...ALONE.

My simple goal is to lose weight. Why? Because I'm tired of being fat, of being overlooked in a mixed singles group, of having clothes be more expensive, of clothes being ugly and shapeless, of not even being considered as a valuable person because I'm fat, of the she's fat, she's ugly mentality, the 'you're having that' look, the 'you could be so pretty if...' statements (which I always find nonsensical because it will still be me so either I'm pretty now or I'm not because I've seen some really ugly skinny people). Yet, the book says a goal of 'to lose weight' is too vague but why is it too vague?

There's not one single person except me who is waiting at that far away finish line. And I guess that's why all my attempts in the past at losing weight have been failures because I've never had a reason. While I was married, he said he loved me for me, size didn't matter. But what would I find him looking at on the computer? Was it porn? Yes. Was it plus size porn? Not on your life. Which told me, my size did indeed matter. And in case you're wondering, the marriage ended because he was verbally abusive and a whole host of other issues, both his and mine. The final straw that broke the camel's back in me filing for divorce was when he chose going golfing over being with me at the hospital when I had brain surgery. Oh, that relationship is a whole different story and one that is still just too hurtful to put in writing.

So, while it's taken years of eating rich fattening foods, those comfy foods that are so good yet so bad, I'm left struggling with This Just Isn't Any Fun. I've been fat all my life, even as a little girl, always was 'that fat girl'. But, I can't snap my fingers and make it all disappear. And so, that's where I am right now, a sad, all alone, fat girl who can't seem to find the "spark" necessary to find this fun.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi There...

    I read this and just wanted to hug you!! You really ARE beautiful. Right now. Not... "if you would only lose some weight"... but RIGHT NOW! I can surely see it! I wish you could see it too...

    Here is my humble advice for making this fun...

    Pursue the things that you find fun... what do you enjoy doing? What did you really enjoy when you were young? Think about how to make life more fun... not the healthy journey... that will be a part of it, but give yourself fun things to look forward to... that's what I did. I got back into playing tennis, dancing... things I enjoyed when I was young. I even took a hula nooping class just for the laughs! Go to laughter yoga... it's a blast! Do some fun things with friends... ride a bike or hike to a nice location for a (healthy) picnic... Not only will doing what you enjoy turn this process into something fun... it will also get you out meeting new people that like to do similar things. That is how I met my new husband... (21-year past marriage being controlled)... just getting out and doing the things I enjoy and there he was! Someone who really loves me for who I am... imagine that!!

    Good journey to you! You are so right about one thing. This journey will continue and you will thrive only after you have accepted yourself just the way you are right now! Much love to you! Keep moving forward (even if you take a step back at times!)!
    2267 days ago
    I totally can understand but it has to be for you. so YOU can feel better, not ache as much,. move easier etc. not cos a spouse, or child wants you to. or so you can be there for them, but so you can be here for you healthier cos life only gets harder the older you get if you are not healthy. Don't have to be that way, I know a lot of older sparkers that are in great shape, way better than myself and they started in their 50s and 60s one of my best friend sparkers is 70 and lives alone.
    YOU CAN do this but I truly believe you will only be successful if you want it for YOU! I have that problem off and on and then i always tend to slide back off track..
    2279 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    You're wrong about one have all of us waiting for you at the finish line! You do have a wonderful support group. One thing I've found over my years of being here at Sparks is that you really don't do it for anyone but yourself. I think no matter what anyone says, and yes, I said I wanted to do it for my DH originally, but that's never the case in reality. You have to want to be healthier. Those people who make those really stupid remarks have never walked in your shoes, and one thing I try to always remember is "YOU CAN'T HAVE A BATTLE OF THE WITS WITH AN UNARMED PERSON!" Love you! HUGS!
    2279 days ago
    Please don't feel discouraged! You are your biggest fan! You must do this for YOU. Yep, it is no fun, but doesn't it feel good to discover yourself more alert, and having more endurance? Just make it a challenge to yourself. I also have zero support system (my son is handicapped and I can't share anything with him), but I have found some great friends here at Spark. You do matter!
    2279 days ago
    It isn't an inherently fun thing, losing weight. I enjoy trying new recipes and Hungry Girl's new cookbook has been great for me. The recipes are easy to make and the ingredients are easy to get. Plus many of the recipes serve just one which would be a boon for you.

    I also enjoy using my Wii Fit Plus that I borrowed from my sister. I don't have the money for gadgets, but luckily she had one and she wasn't really using it so I am. Maybe you can find a friend who bought one a year or two ago and now they are over it--maybe their kids moved on to XBox or something and it's just taking up space. If you can't get a balance board, you can still do Wii dance games. These games are often for sell in used game stores or pawn shops.

    If the weather is fine, getting out and walking is kind of fun, especially if you have an MP3 player to jam out to. It's nice to wear a pedometer, even a cheap one.

    But really, so many things in life are not fun, like housework, or homework, or working at a boring job. We can't have fun all the time. Having fun all the time is just not natural. Losing a pound and posting about it here on SP is a reward for doing all the non-fun things necessary to make that achievement. Keep on sparking.
    2279 days ago
  • JOYCE12356
    I understand what you are saying about wanting to lose weight for children, grandchildren or a significant other, but for me...even though I have said those things, I mostly want to lose weight and be healthy so that I can LIVE the kind of life that I want. My kids and my hubby wouldn't say anything to me if I never lost weight or whatever. I think YOU need to be the reason YOU want to lose weight. There really doesn't need to be any other reason. But you have your reasons that you stated look better, to feel better, to not be the "fat girl", etc, etc.

    When the book says "to lose weight" is too vague of a goal, they are just trying to tell you to put more measurable points to it. How much weight? By when? How are you going to do it? Why (and that you answered above)? Without measurable goals or steps and reasons to reach your weight loss goal, it becomes very difficult which leads to giving up, only giving it 50% effort, etc.

    As for the fun, hmmmm....What would make it fun??? Would having children or a significant other make losing weight more fun????? I have a hubby and kids and trust doesn't make this journey any more fun (mostly because they don't really support me). I have to find things to keep this fun for me....finding friends to work out with or a great DVD to do at home or some cool new songs on my MP3 player.

    You're not alone. This journey isn't always fun and maybe most if it won't be. Some of it will downright suck, but there will be highlights...Positive things to grasp on to. As you move along, you'll find more and more things that you like about choosing a healthier lifestyle and it will get better.

    2280 days ago
    i absolutely understand - but please don't miss the point YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT TO MAKE YOU LIVE BETTER IN YOUR OWN BODY' - you want to have a body that won't quit on you - give you joint pain, make it impossible for you to depend on it.
    i was a 'chubby' child - although those stupid insurance charts which were dead wrong - were foisted on many kids like me. i was too short for my size - the doc said 'put a chain and lock on the fridge - how degrading for a smart kid like me to go through.
    i understand a horrible marriage which i endure still - can't get rid of him due to a myriad of legal financial matters - verbal, emotional and psychological abuse every day all day.
    at least you have some peace there -
    but you look yourself in the mirror and TALK to you -
    1. you deserve this body i speak of
    2. you must make yourself a happy person - regardless of weight. i know this can be a tough one but align yourself with like minded people.
    3. read books and blogs and articles from people who have pullled themselves from the depths of hell to find a better horizon
    4. BE KIND TO OTHERS - it all comes back in spades.
    5. SMILE - just SMILE -
    6. start to exercise - quietly - on a small scale. build on what you can do.
    7. be prepared - don't have foods or alcohol or drugs that you don't want or need in your body. it is gold - treat it like fine jewels.
    8. relationships count - you say you are alone - can you have a pet - they love you no matter what - they need you no matter how you look - unconditional gifts to enjoy daily
    9. you say you have a great family - WOW that is huge - i have no support system - outside of my own head - no one cares if i am here or not - so i envy you and your loving family. enjoy them enlist their support and keep accountable to some one you get along with and will understand. maybe a cousin close to your own age.
    10. believe in a HIGHER POWER - what ever that may be - and draw on that believe every single day -
    keep in touch - you will be ok
    2280 days ago
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