Tuesday, January 22, 2013
So here's what I've been contemplating since I read and joined SparkPeople: I'm not having any fun. I'm trying, really, desperately trying to have fun making healthy living and weight loss fun.
Reading the book, I've found that many people have children for which they're motivated to become healthy, that many people have a significant other for which to become healthy, and I don't fall into either of those groups. It's me. Alone. Oh sure, I have solid, wonderful, loving parents and a great best friend and a group of friends but I...AM...ALONE.
My simple goal is to lose weight. Why? Because I'm tired of being fat, of being overlooked in a mixed singles group, of having clothes be more expensive, of clothes being ugly and shapeless, of not even being considered as a valuable person because I'm fat, of the she's fat, she's ugly mentality, the 'you're having that' look, the 'you could be so pretty if...' statements (which I always find nonsensical because it will still be me so either I'm pretty now or I'm not because I've seen some really ugly skinny people). Yet, the book says a goal of 'to lose weight' is too vague but why is it too vague?
There's not one single person except me who is waiting at that far away finish line. And I guess that's why all my attempts in the past at losing weight have been failures because I've never had a reason. While I was married, he said he loved me for me, size didn't matter. But what would I find him looking at on the computer? Was it porn? Yes. Was it plus size porn? Not on your life. Which told me, my size did indeed matter. And in case you're wondering, the marriage ended because he was verbally abusive and a whole host of other issues, both his and mine. The final straw that broke the camel's back in me filing for divorce was when he chose going golfing over being with me at the hospital when I had brain surgery. Oh, that relationship is a whole different story and one that is still just too hurtful to put in writing.
So, while it's taken years of eating rich fattening foods, those comfy foods that are so good yet so bad, I'm left struggling with This Just Isn't Any Fun. I've been fat all my life, even as a little girl, always was 'that fat girl'. But, I can't snap my fingers and make it all disappear. And so, that's where I am right now, a sad, all alone, fat girl who can't seem to find the "spark" necessary to find this fun.