Oh how life could have been different

Monday, January 21, 2013

When I was going through my flurry of cleaning house and decluttering (which reminds me to go start cleaning again).... I ran into an old diary! lol

OMG.... it was from the 6th and 7th grade and I was such a dork. I liked to read and write and talk about my day in there.... as I went through it though I didn't find a whole lot of good memories. Most of them were about my mom being in and out of the hospital and how mean people were to me at school.

One of the defining experiences in there was in the 7th grade. I was shy and very smart so my group of friends always remained small. I was very out of place, didn't know how to dress, do my hair or makeup (my mom didn't believe in having new clothes, wearing makeup, and doing hair). All of the elementary schools combined in the 7th grade so alot of your friends you had growing up would no longer be in classes with you which scared me to death. I wrote passages and passages about it that summer. I had one very close friend I wanted to have classes with named Laura. I started school and Laura quit talking to me. Passages in there wondering what I did wrong. She quit hanging out with me and stood me up several times when we only lived a couple of blocks away. I cried to my mom one day telling her I had no idea what I had done wrong and my only friend won't talk to me, even ignored me at lunch and gave me dirty looks. We drove to her house (my mom is a teacher and taught with her mom at the same school).

Her mom said she was in the shower. My mom took me home.... and what I found out later she drove back over and Laura answered the door.... looking a little stunned that my mom was back and she had not wanted to talk to her (and obviously not in the shower). My mother demanded to talk to her mother and wanted to know why I was being bullied and ignored. The only thing my mom ever got out of that conversation is that I rode the bus with a girl named Jade and walked into school with her.... and Laura did not like her so we were no longer friends. Laura's mom was always a very mean woman. I think she looked for fault in others and gossiped about children in her children's grades to make hers look better. I remember her yelling a lot and being very over weight and unhappy. She died a few years later and I can't say I felt too bad about it. As an adult I do not understand how she could take part in bullying a young girl my age.

Now, in my adult mind things make more sense. I was the dorky kid and Laura wanted to spend her time with a "cooler" crowd and used the one other friend I had as a reason not to like me. As I read the passages I saw I was upset for months on end and miserable at school.

If I could go back and do it over.... oh how things would be different. I started having a real weight problem in the 9th grade but my binging really began around the 7th. Probably due to the emotional stress of these situations.

Don't you wish you could go back and tell yourself what things are and aren't important?

Even on into high school Laura was terribly mean to me with absolute no reason. And I think if I run into her again I'm going to have a good laugh on how my life turned out and what she ended up with...
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    I had a similar situation. I was only their friends in high school when I would drive them places, even a half hour away from my house to make them happy. I would leave about an hour early to pick up my three friends who lived on all different sides of town.

    In class they would ask if they could copy my notes, help them with homework ect.
    Which I always did until Jr year in high school. One got their license and a car. There was no need for me. They stopped talking to me and even hanging out with me.

    Looking back on it, it was because they were using me. I would go home and turn to food for comfort. Would even listen to the backstreet boys and cry. Why on earth would people be so mean.

    I have a few of them on facebook as "friends" not sure why since they don't talk to me to this day. Just makes you stop and think how far we have come.

    I have supporters on here and as well on fb but I don't hangout with anyone. Its tough being on a different chapter in life than those who we were friends with back then.

    Its funny how the quiet ones have come so far and the popular ones seem so unhappy and miserable.

    1948 days ago
    I like something that FlyLady says: "Now I share my shortcomings with the world because if I am having a problem then many of you are too. I am not ashamed of who I am or how I got here. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has made me who I am today! I am very proud of how I have taken those things from my childhood and not continued to abuse myself with those thoughts and actions. I can’t change those years of growing up; but I can see when I allow that shame to enter back into my life and delete it."

    I love the idea that it's not just the GOOD things that happened to her that made her who she is, but the BAD things as well.

    I do think it would be sweet to go back in time and give my younger self a hug and a promise that things will get better, though! (My future self is probably out there wishing she could come back to this time and remind me how perfect it is - so stop whining about things!!!)
    1949 days ago
    Back in 7th grade I was Laura. Only, my mother was disgusted with me. If I ran into the friend I dumped back in 7th grade today, I would apologize profusely. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
    1950 days ago
    How fortunate you are to find that diary. Through the eyes of adult you have found the key to the begining of your weight problem. It is so unreasonably mean of girls to treat one another like that, never knowing or perhaps caring, about the pain they cause someone else. emoticon
    1950 days ago
    Isn't it awesome you are no longer that little girl. You are smart and funny and beautiful. I found the one of the keys to really changing my life and my weight loss journey was to heal my little girl inside.
    1950 days ago
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