For What It's Worth
Sunday, January 20, 2013
As often seems to be the case, I have been doing a lot of thinking today. For some reason, this past week has been extremely rough, and I have had more than one melt down. Early this morning I had one, and to be honest, I don't even know why. I freaked out at my boyfriend for absolutely no reason whatsoever. None. He hadn't done anything. In fact, while I was out scrapbooking yesterday, he vacuumed the house, washed the sheets, and went to the store. We even had a nice few hours together in the evening after I got home. And this morning I freaked out for no reason. I think I scared him. I feel really horrible about it. I've apologized to him, and I think he forgives me. I still feel horrible. I know that what goes on inside my mind is that I can't really believe that he loves me and that he wants to be here. I think he's here just because it's better than any alternative he has right now. He's told me that's not true and something inside me still doesn't believe that I am worthy of being loved I think.
Of course this is at the root of why I haven't been successful in losing weight long term so far. Somewhere inside of me, I don't think I'm worthy or worth it. Intellectually, I know that I am, and yet I still can't quite seem to convince myself of that. It's the most difficult part of the journey, the understanding of self worth. Like the lyric from the P!nk song -- change the voices in your head, make them like you instead. I am trying. My worth is not in my weight, my body, my size. My worth is also not in how many people love me and whether I make them happy. My worth is in how I treat people, including myself; in how I approach the world, with optimism, love and integrity. My worth is in doing the best that I can on any given day and knowing that is all I can expect of myself. I deserve to be proud of my accomplishments. Of surviving a childhood of moving around, of my education, my career, of re-building a life after finding out my husband was gay, of raising two beautiful and wonderful children, of re-bounding after being laid off. All of these things and more are a testament to my strength, and perseverance, my will to push forward and make things better. If I can do all of these things, I can also treat my body and mind with the respect they both deserve. My body is really an incredible thing -- it has done 60K walks four times, countless shorter runs and walks, survived the birth of two children, re-bounded after several surgeries. In spite of the abuse I've heaped on it over the years, it keeps getting out of bed every single day and it moves me forward. I'm grateful that it hasn't given up on me yet. And now I'm going to give it the help it needs so it doesn't give up on me.
When I was a kid, my mother had the following verse framed, hanging on the wall (in our bathroom of all places). It gave me comfort a lot times, and maybe it will now.
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
I have a right to be here. I am worthy. I will remember that every day.