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Chasing your Dreams..

Sunday, January 20, 2013

if you spent the 10 minutes it took me to read the first few pages of "Unlimited" by Jillian Michaels:

You might feel like I feel... Inspired, Empowered, Like a CHANGE maker!

I've taken my Jillian-Obsession one step furthur, I've been rewatching "Losing it" and "Biggest Loser" and writing down some of the quotes she somes out with...
"We all have unlimited potential and the ability to fufill it - We all do. It's just some us know it and some of us don't"
"The only real failure in life is to disengage.. Push through the fear because it's so worth it on the other side"
I learnt that she's about rebuilding peoples lives, not so much about exercise.. but exercise is a tool in showing us we can change our lives. Which is interesting, because that's the exact reason I'm doing exercise, to build up my resolve so I can be strong in another area in my life that I'm not ready to tackle yet.

This morning the song "Firestarter" by Kdrew had me jumping around and thinking about all of this...
I wrote down my "Family Pathology" as Jillian calls it...
Low esteem, poverty, never 1st place, failure, mediocrity, fear, abuse, low expectations....
And next to that I have written "God's Pathology" lol,
"I am a change maker" "I am capable of anything if I choose it" and on and on it will go..... Because as Jillian says..
We were put here to be happy and fufilled, not to suffer.
So why not have fufilling thinking...

My dreams have been silent for some years.. perhaps the pain of disappointment in not getting them has held me back from it... They are starting to come back in little whispers in my heart... little pangs of jealousy when i see others doing it... You know what I mean :) I have listened and written it down hehe...

I have decided, I want so much to be "Free to Achieve" Everytime I do in the past, I self sabotage... I am going to take this up with the therapist strongly, and work on it.
I have a condition called social phobia, which makes life tricky, but a fear of success, is even worse, because the first means i cant work and the second means i cant work from home! leaving me in a financial prison.

I celebrated my 34th birthday yesterday.. And it gave me some time to reflect on all that was good about me and all the good that was in my life.. I'm a pretty lucky girl :)
I love how resourceful I am.. if something doesn't work one way, I will think up 20 other ways to get it done. and I love that Kelvin has offered me a sense of security I've never had in my life before.. It's made a change to my self confidence :)

My Dreams? Well.. I still am not acting on any of the ones that make my heart flutter... I don't think I'm ready... but.. I AM getting ready to be ready hehe.
Over the weekend I organised my "Time" into a time map. and I split the day up into natural work periods, and put my goals into those as seemed natural. I have 3 hours of health and fitness, 4 hours on filing/sorting and 1 hour on writing and therapy stuff, each work day :) Usually my day ends up in 2-3 hours on spark and 4 hours on research that gets forgotten!
So I am hoping this structure will ROCK :D
There is sincerely a month of filing to be done.. and If I were to type up my journals a few months more... It could easily stretch out to the whole year if I were to add more organise projects to that time slot after.
But I want it bad.. I'm completely sick of a life of clutter....

And I now believe, you must get rid of the old, to make space for the new!
(and that will go for Kelvin too, one day soon)..

I suppose..... my main goal with fitness is to build a strength inside me... =) The strength to make the right decisions and stick to them, The strength to chase my dreams.
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