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My Crack

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I have a terrible confession to make. I'm currently caught in a severe sugar addiction. It all began a couple weeks ago when I had a sweet tooth for chocolate and had nothing in the house. It was too cold to venture out on my own to get my "fix" and I was too embarrassed to send my husband out for my typical bag of M&Ms or ice cream. So I looked in the pantry to see what I had. I ended up mixing sugar, butter, cream, cocoa, and peanut together for some microwave fudge. I ate it in a bowl, while it was still soft and soup-like, with a spoon. I woke up the next morning with a bad hangover and great deal of guilt and shame. But it wasn't long before I was craving that stuff again. Over time, my recipe evolved into a heavenly concoction made on the stove top. So buttery and creamy, chocolatey and with that amazing peanut butter flavor and texture. Oh my... so, so, so good. One day I even emptied a box of Andies Mints into it instead of peanut butter. I've experimented with different ingredients and amounts. I've created a MONSTER!!!
I've not been able to stop. It's only gotten worse. After days of indulging like that, I felt some relief when I had depleted my stock of sugar. But not even a full 24 hours later I found myself at Dollar General (in my pajamas, no less) buying some more sugar. And then yesterday I was determined to make it through the day without cooking my stuff (it literally feels like I'm cooking methamphetamine!!!), so I dumped what was left of the sugar into the trash can. Then several hours later I was scooping the sugar out of the trash can with a measuring cup and cooking my drug on the stove YET again!
This is bad. This is really bad. I have 28 days until my birthday and I'm sabotaging myself with this horrible mix of cheap, destructive ingredients like a crack addict. I'm already feeling myself gaining weight back. I'm too scared to step on the scale. I'm bloated and feel poisonous. All of this sugar and butter I've been eating... oh what kind of mess have I gotten myself into?!! This is far worse than any sugar addiction I have ever experienced. I'm usually a savory type of person- wanting to binge on savory foods. But for some reason this thing that I've created- this stove-top fudgy soup that I've been eating with a spoon daily (sometimes more than once daily) has a grasp on me that I can't seem to break free of.

I really need some help to get over this.

28 days; 4 weeks. I want so desperately to beat this and feel great on my birthday.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Been there soo many times myself.Lots of good suggestions from fellow commenters.
    1936 days ago
  • JENNY160
    Totally know where you are. However, once you reach the point where you are digging it out of the trash, you know the cry for help needs to go out. Which you have done. And good for you! Step one. Check. Now get on the horn and call a friend or go out and run. Get away from that stove and microwave. Since it has been 4 days since you wrote this, I hope you are back on track. I am praying for you, Marie.
    1941 days ago
    You scared me for a moment with the title of you blog. I thought you got a job as a plumber. LOL Sweetie, you can kick this, I have faith in you. You've worked too hard and have gone too far to go back to old ways. Keep the faith.
    1943 days ago
    You've been given great advice.
    All I can say is that I've been there. I'm having my own struggle right now and it feels so overwhelming.
    You had amazing control through the holidays. Maybe it feels good to give up that control now that the pressure is off?
    1943 days ago
  • ERIN1957
    I wonder, are you feeding your body or something else?
    Just a thought...what's eating at you?

    You will figure it out and I am sure you will get beyond this obstacle...you are powerfully made.

    1944 days ago
    I didn't have enough time to read everyone else's comments and everyone else does such a great job of giving advice, pointers, and support, but while reading your blog I literally giggled. You're someone who speaks my language. I am the same exact way with sugar. I have such problems kicking it and so have decided. I won't do it. I can't live without it so I won't kick it. I will however, find alternatives to fattening sugar sources and cut portions of things I really love but am not willing to live without for the rest of my life. I was looking at your pictures and reading your story and just wanted you to know that you've encouraged me so much with your journey. I also have had 2 children and am in the 200's and have finally decided I want to take my body and life back. I don't think you should just cold turkey give up the sugar, but I'd just cut back on it. You look so great now, and you should definitely keep up with all of the hard work you've done.
    1944 days ago
    I hope your doing better!
    1944 days ago
    you know, we all make mistakes. you've faced the issue and you know you'll get past it and you're already on that path. i have the same problem sometimes - although my crack is the tub of nutella. yet i keep buying it.
    1944 days ago
  • APED7969
    I find if I've been making really unhealthy recipes (like the coconut chocolate popovers I made and ate most of the batch of this weekend!) it helps if I make myself cook a healthy alternative. So if I'm craving chocolate ice cream I'll put frozen bananas and cocoa in the food processor and have that for ice cream. Or one of the various other healthy chocolate recipes i've found on pinterest. I guess it can at least reduce my cravings for really unhealthy stuff. Good luck! You've done such an awesome job don't let the self sabatoge get you now!
    1944 days ago
    emoticon You can break free of this Marie. We are here for you. Thankfully you have recognized the problem and obviously want to do something about it.

    First priority is to start investing time in your moral support network. We are all here for you. Private message me and if you want I will even give you my phone number if you need to make an emergency REMIND ME WHY I DON'T WANT TO EAT THIS call.

    I have been through similar food obession/chain binges before.

    Second. Step on the Scale. Get an honest assesment of the damage you have been doing for accountability.

    Third. Do Something Positive. Do your Bikram Yoga, go for a run, or make a green smoothie, but instead of wallowing in shame, start giving your body what it needs.

    Fourth, when you have calmed down try to assess why this has happened. Knowing the reason can help combat the cause of the issue.

    1944 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/21/2013 10:27:08 AM
    Ï ve done something very similar to this- several times. Yes, Sugar is CRACK. And I am an addict too. U just can't even have sugar in the house. none of the ingredients to make your concoction. take away all the triggers. and yes, weigh yourslef. face reality. put up pictures, reminders on the inside of pantry doors. eat something else when you crave... a smoothie. tea. coffee. It's supposed to go away. call someone. get online.
    u r not alone. and u will get though this.
    1945 days ago
    I hope you're doing better today. Monday is the perfect day for a restart!

    I agree with PLUSSIZEWIFE'S comment below. That is an excellent idea.
    1945 days ago
    I have run into something similar. I have a crazy idea. Keep the sugar in the pantry find a "before" picture and tape it to the sugar. It may help you think twice before you cook.

    You have done amazing, don't be afraid to lose your goal, for me that's when I start falling off the wagon. I start convincing myself that my goal is too hard to reach and self sabotage kicks in.

    best wishes.
    1945 days ago
  • DS9KIE
    drink lots of water, eat fruits and veggies, exercise and get away from the sugar and fat.

    Maybe eating extra fruit would help.

    Good luck...you can do it and your not alone.
    1945 days ago
    Do you still have any of your 'fat' clothes? Put them on and stuff pillows in them. Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself if you really want to go back to THAT!

    Walk around in them all day long...as long as you are home. Every time you think about the 'crack', go look in the mirror.

    SHOCK THERAPY! emoticon emoticon
    1945 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    I am hoping that just by being so honest in what you have written will help you turn this around. It is so hard to stop when in the middle of a binge. I know that all the logic and good advice does not sink in with me when I am going through one. I have been in one since Friday - the stress of everything finally got to me. I also am tired from not sleeping well. But of course instead of taking a nap, I ate!

    Just a suggestion - maybe instead of trying to get lower for your birthday, you should try maintaining at 140 for awhile. Your body looks strong and lean at this weight. Maybe give your body a chance to adjust. This is not telling you what I think your weight should be, just an interim until your body and head catches up with each other.

    I think you should throw out all the ingredients of your 'drug' and keep them out of the house until you break the cycle. Also don't keep avoiding the scale - you may be surprised and either way it may just jolt you out of it!
    1945 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    Wow, this blog hit me right between the eyes! This month I've been sugar-binging off and on. Initially I recorded it all in my food tracker, then, to my amazement I created a food entry "BINGED and quit counting calories" -- guess I felt this sort of held me accountable but in reality it is not fully honest.

    Hope you are able to get back to maintaining all the hard work you have exerted in accomplishing this magnificent goal.

    emoticon emoticon
    1945 days ago
  • KONRAD695
    Wow, that's a big one. Everything everyone has said is true. Tracking, throw food out, lock yourself down, and ask for help. You have been here before, and pulled out of it. Just look at you body, that came from hours of hard work and healthy eating. Now you just have to set the fudge down and walk away. Yes, I know, easier said than done. We are all here to help.

    May 2012 bikini pic, I think you look just fine. Do you want that look or the VS look that isn't posted anymore? Or the 147 lb legs under your body yoga pic, to me- that's hot!! Can you still do this? I'm not trying to be hard on you, just give you a couple examples of what you've accomplished. You have come so far, done so much, and inspired some of us to go to the next level (ME!). Please do the same for yourself, if only for a day. Try Monday. I'll join you. Set up the rules and let me know. My downfalls are popcorn, chocolate, toffee peanuts, and naps. I would love to help you out of this, and it would probably help me too. If there was a way to click the switch, we'd all do it. Maybe we can click the switch together.

    Please take what I said as a "Realistic Friend" trying to be strait with another friend. Anything you need or want, let me know. I'm here for you, just like everyone was here for me.

    emoticon emoticon and emoticon
    1945 days ago
    You can do it! Stay strong!
    1945 days ago
    Oh my! You KNOW most of us have been in similar shoes and are just as afraid as you are of the destruction it can do to weight loss. I remember times where I was actually physically shaking in my car trying NOT to go buy sugary food and feeling like an addict as well. Find a low-cal / no- cal substitute for a bit. There are chocolate sugar free delicious foods out there. Hopefully that will help as you transition back to a more normal food plan. You are not alone and "this too shall pass". Hang in there and continue trying to come back to the program.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1945 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Get back to basics - it sounds like this is more important than a major weight loss goal by your birthday - turn to your support network - ask for help - emoticon set some mini goals - even if they are hourly - emoticon emoticon Small Changes Mean Big Rewards
    “You are worth the effort.”

    1945 days ago
    At least you admitted it to whomever reads your blog. I have been terrible with sweets and other junk. My cholesterol is borderline high, but not high enough to take meds. Was told to take fish oil or krill oil and watch my diet and exercise. My diet has been awful for quite some time. You can do it.

    1945 days ago
    It can only go up from here girl!!!! i agree with everyone else tracking your stuff will probably be a reality check that will whip you back into shape...I get the way u are right now before a period I just can't even keep any of that crap in the house.
    1945 days ago
    Sounds like you need to check in to the Detox center because you are killing yourself with all that sugar.

    I hope you get this under control soon.
    1945 days ago
    I think I love you for writing that. I have been sugar binging for 4 days and unable to be honest about it. Stopped tracking my calories and not exercising as much as I need to. Scale already figured it out (up 2 lbs). I am planning to detox today. I told my husband to not leave me alone (because I really can't be trusted) and to not let me have any sugar. At all. None. Zip. Zero. I think that is likely what you need to do as well - our brains are going a little crazy with all this sugar and we need to break the cycle.
    1945 days ago
    Oh my God, No! You have to stop immediately! I went on a month long fudge binder a few years ago and I probably gained 20lbs. One little square has almost 100 calories, but you can eat the whole batch without ever feeling satisfied. That much sugar is exactly like crack. The more you eat the more you want. It is a vicious cycle and you will seriously not care about anything else but fudge. Throw away all sugar, candy thermometers, even your saucepans if you have to! Not only will your addiction get worse and gain weight, but you are diabetic! You can seriously hurt yourself with this much sugar. Eat lots of apples, I've found apples to be the best thing to help with intense sugar cravings. I would try not to eat any sugar for a few days, because it just triggers you to eat more. It's not going to be easy once you have unlocked that recipe, and you are probably going to go through withdrawals, but it's so not worth it! I so desperately feel your pain!
    1945 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Are your food trackers accurate?

    1945 days ago
    Maybe it would help if you posted about this on the LBF forum... Ask for insights.
    Can't offer you advice. Would just want to say be gentle with yourself. I believe you can do it but maybe you need a little more time.
    1945 days ago
  • RSTM99
    You're amazing to write that all down and share. When I've gone through those times, I keep it all so secret, as if nothing is wrong, as if it's not happening which makes it all the worse. I did chuckle with your description of how it looks like your cooking meth. All the same, you know in your heart and mind you want to get out of that cycle, so you will. How you do it - have you fallbacks from before that have worked? I recalled a while ago you signed a contract with your family or something about bingeing? To help me away from my rabbit hole of sweets sweet sweets is I finally progress to a chocolate banana peanut butter protein shake - not so original, but it gets the craving and gets my system on protein, doubled with being happy I made a good decision. Then, I can start to cycle back to good.
    1945 days ago
    emoticon I hope things turn around soon.
    1945 days ago
    Could you be using the crack to cope with anxiety of your birthday coming up? I know anytime I have report cards, parent/teacher conferences, etc coming up I go into sugar binge overhaul.

    Could a really good/sweaty hot yoga session help detox you a bit and make you crave something else?
    1945 days ago
  • EILEEN828
    I would suggest that you look into information on killing Candida. It exists in everyone's digestive systems, and when it gets into overgrowth stage it causes intense sugar cravings as well as a host of other symptoms. Any well stocked supplement store should have remedies for you. There is a lot of "diets" out there as well that specifically address this. Lots of info on the internet. After reading about it for a long time I finally tried it (an herbal remedy) and I was shocked about how well it works, I am now a believer in it's ability to cure sugar cravings. Good luck!
    1945 days ago

    I was caught in that (death) trap towards the end of December. Just remember how good eating healthy made you feel! Also, think back to any other time that you ate a lot of something- the deliciousness wore off after a while and you stopped binging. Say to yourself- this is just a phase. Try to stop for a day and tell yourself you don't have to stop eating the crack, but that you are just giving yourself a break for the time being. That may help? Trick your brain?

    1945 days ago
    emoticon Oh, I am sooooo sorry that you are going through this. I would suggest that you NEED to step on the scale...That could be the wake up call that you need. Also, I would try to get in as many fruits and veggies into your body...It will help alot with the detox off of the junk. Try making green smoothies. emoticon
    1945 days ago
    That is rough!!

    The only advice I can offer (after nosily checking out your tracker, and seeing many gaps) - is back to basics. Track everything you eat, even the crack. Unless you see the numbers, reality will not set it. Next time you get the strength up to toss the sugar or other ingredients out, flush it or otherwise permanently dispose of it.

    You can get through this - it might be about exploring yourself a bit more to see if constant deprivation is worth repeated, long binges like this - or if working in a small sweet snack a day or every few days will be better for you in the long run (I can't do total deprivation, this I have learned!)

    Good luck!!
    1945 days ago
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