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Your heart

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Your heart has got to be in it. I think that is what has been missing for some time now. In the beginning of my weight loss journey, my heart was in it because I had great expectations of success, not just with weight loss, but in my life. Well. Its been 7 years. I no longer have those expectations. I do know why I'm working to lose weight. I have several real world negative motivations (infections and foot pain at the top of the list.) That said, I still wonder what I'm here for. What is my raison d'etre? I do take care of my immediate family. I do treat people with kindness. But, other than that, I just don't feel connected to the life that I have. There is a certain separation that I feel. Its not so much that something is missing as I feel out of place. I don't feel like this is my life, I feel as though heaven made a clerical error, I've been misplaced. They put the wrong barcode on me and put me in the wrong bin at the manufacturing plant. The only thing that I can say for myself is that I prefer being female, so in that regard, they got at least that part right.

I had thought that I was going to be gainfully employed, that I would meet someone nice, that I would have been married, and probably have had a child by now. I'm looking at my 35th birthday, and I live at home, I'm single, never really dated, and I don't have any real connection to my life. I don't do anything of any real importance at all. I just don't feel as though I serve in any useful capacity at all. With the infection that I have had, I can't even volunteer anymore and run the risk of making someone else sick.

In the best case, I will be able to become an inspector like my father and I may become a trainer. I won't be able to have my own place. I can't really live alone. I've had enough injuries to be smart enough not to do that. If I were able to earn more money, I would be able to get my car fixed, I would be able to get the bathroom fixed (need it to be ADA accessible, planning for the future.) I would enjoy teaching.

People have told me that the whole point to life is love. Not just the romantic kind, but all kinds of loving care for each other. But, I just don't feel like I'm enough to change anything at all. Some people only see the good in each other. I had a mixed bag of a childhood, many wonderful things punctuated by stark terror; more good than bad, to be sure. But, I walked away from that knowing how to recognize a dark shadow on someone's soul. Its like a stench that follows. Its not that I don't ever get it wrong, but my ability to recognize it has been startlingly accurate. (to my great advantage.)

The odd juxtaposition to all of this is that I believe that I am incredibly lucky. I have survived where lesser folk have died. I lived. I am the girl that lived. The question is: So what????

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BEFIT018
    Pish posh! emoticon Everything will fall into place at the right time. I never got married til I was 43. I had my daughter, my first & only child, when I was 40(yes, my husband IS her father). Marriage was never in the plan for me and I NEVER wanted kids! Couldn't imagine it! Then I woke up 1 day & decided that yeah, marriage & kids sounds good. emoticon

    You're just a late bloomer emoticon

    It'll all come in good time.
    1947 days ago
    I grew up during a time they expected you to be married at 18. I, however, didn't want that for me at 18. I graduated from High School at 17. I could have at 16 but my parents thought that was too young. I started college at 17 but I never really dated until college. Then not until my senior year at age 19 I met my husband. But I was not in a hurry to be married. We waited 4 1/2 yrs for that. I was not in hurry to have children-waited until age 26-3 yrs after I was married. Stopped having kids at age 30. I had a career and retired. Now I am a widow.

    My point is this. None of us really should worry about time lines. One of friends married at 60 for the first time. My husband's cousin did not marry until age 40. Neither of my sons are married 33 & 36. I thought I would be grandma by now but I am not. But I do not want my sons to get married to a time line. When the time is right it will happen. I was in a different time line than my peers, parents, friends and it did not matter. Do not get discouraged. Things will work out with the time line that is right for you.
    1953 days ago
    There have been times in my life that I felt just as you do now and I wonder if most of us don't at some time or another. I wondered what purpose I had in life, especially since some of my friends seem to know from an early age where they were headed and they made it. If it is any comfort, many of these people arrived at their destination but found it didn't make them happy. Maybe they settled sooner instead of questioning as you and I have. At some point I did find a purpose and I did make a difference and you have in your own way whether you realize it or not. Keep searching. Don't give up hope.
    1953 days ago
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