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In which I get all introspective and weird.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Thursday night I didn't sleep so well. I mentioned that in my last post. Wednesday, I got up early and worked out and got it done. Wednesday night, I didn't go to sleep as early as I would have liked and just didn't manage to make up for Tuesday night. Thursday I stayed up too late playing a silly game on my ipod. Friday I could NOT get out of bed in the morning. Everything was laid out and ready to go, but I just couldn't move. I didn't even get up to take my thyroid pill. In fact, I very nearly overslept past my "emergency" alarm trying to get myself out of bed. I worried all day that I would be too exhausted to work out in the evening. But I did it. And I did it strong. At 10 at night. It was close.

This morning is one of my two days off from working out. I'm considering doing something anyway. I struggle with knowing if I'm threatening to over do it. But really, even on workout days it's only 20-25 minutes of aerobic/strength training. It's not like I'm doing an hour daily. So maybe I don't need as many skip days as they give. On the other hand, I do get really sore from those workouts, so I know I'm challenging myself. I'm just afraid to either hurt myself or kill my motivation by exhausting myself. I just don't know my limits yet... and I want to make sure I don't ruin what I'm striving for.

I struggled in the last month or so to start exercising. I found my motivation, made a goal, gave myself a reward to look forward to... and I'm already getting nervous that I'm going to somehow sabotage myself in the last couple of weeks or give up. This lack of trust in myself isn't really a good thing. I think of The Biggest Loser and various other weight loss shows I watch and I realize I just have to push past and just do what I HAVE to do. I just need to get my stuff done. Recognize excuses when I try to make them and not accept them. So far I've done an excellent job. Even last night.

Knowing that this is going to have to be a life long commitment seems overwhelming. On the other hand, trying to make goals and rewards for myself on a month to month basis (give or take) for the rest of my life seems like it's own insurmountable challenge.

I can commit to eating healthier. I'm okay with eating some "bad" things in moderation. Making sure to stay within a healthy calorie range and keeping this really energetic healthy feeling I have now is it's own motivation. I still want to do what's easy and what has lots of calories, but my commitment to my moral standards (cutting down or eliminating factory farmed meat) makes this something really important to me to attain. I want this whole heartedly.

The exercise... not so much. I really need to find that kind of inner truth... what am I trying to say... that contentment? That trueness to my most personal self where my actions and thoughts and beliefs all combine into one strong, honest place where I feel good.

My eating is almost there. I have moments of clarity and... I just wish I had the words to express what I'm saying. I have moments of real contentment and peace when I eat something that really conforms to who I am inside. It feeds my soul with positivity,, something even the most fatty, sugary, deliciousness could never touch.

I sound crazy. But that's what I'm struggling to find in my fitness. Now, to figure out where it is....

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