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I'm tired...

Friday, January 18, 2013

I'm telling you, this is REALLY whiny... I know you all have the same thoughts at times I'm sure, but I need to get it out...

I'm tired...

- of looking for missing sparkfriends
- of spending time giving goodies, tying to encourage, and sending love to those that don't care
- of fighting... counting calories and working out, when it doesn't seem to matter anyhow
- of the fact that I'll STILL be obese until I lose another 20 pounds
- of not knowing what I want, or how far I want to go
- of not being happy with where I'm at right now
- of looking at my ticker and seeing it bounce around like a rubber ball
- of still seeing a fat girl in the mirror
- of wondering if I'll ever get into those jeans that are STILL hanging on the back of my door
- of not having a hardcore goal to keep myself motivated
- of being afraid of pizza, Oreos, and chips
- of feeling bad if a order a latte at the coffee shop next door, instead of drinking the coffee IN the office and using sugar free flavoring and Splenda
- of stressing over eating out and only ordering the things that are "safe"

Like I said... this is for me.... I *know* there is "cure" for all of these complaints...

I know I can have a latte any time I want, eat whatever I want when we're out, and enjoy pizza, Oreos and chips ALL in moderation....

I know that it's my journey, and no matter what, I will get there eventually...

I know that what I see in the mirror isn't what anyone else sees...

I'm just tired...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I get those days also!
    This too shall pass and you'll get your second wind!
    Don't forget that consistency is the key!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1923 days ago
    You said it just like I feel! t does get rather frustrating for sure. It's like I'm obsessed with it. Every little thing we eat counts! My husband and grown son talk about it at the table with me too. I mean, they talk about how many calories they're eating, etc. Because it's about all I talk about! I'm hoping and thinking too, that this will all balance out. One day we'll be able to eye-ball everything a little more? I know that I've turned to that and now I'm back to weighing and measuring more, with thinking that that will help me go down in weight more! So I guess it's just a matter of doing what we think we need to do. We'll always have to watch it. If we overeat one day, we'll be more careful and eat less and better the next days. I know, I wish that I could be free again too, like I used too, but I also know that that's how I got up to 232#!! I thought that I could eat whatever whenever because I was put on prednisone with my RA and prednisone is known for making one hungry! My Rheumy Dr. told me that I would just have to eat less. I said Ha, what a joke! But it's true and then with changing what we eat, it is possible! It's called disclipline! Hmmmm, something new to me! ha! We can do it, Holly! We can have discipline to be more healthy!

    1933 days ago
    Thanks for your post. As someone who has struggled to get 10 pounds off, it often seems like those who have lost a lot of weight have something different. Your post is just a reminder that we are all in this together. I feel kind of silly offering encouragement to someone who has been able to lose, but we all have our off days. Hang in there, all we have is time and remember when you couldn't imagine being at the weight you are now? Keep plugging along and pump some endorphins in through exercise, it may give you that little boost up.
    1948 days ago
    This is probably the most honest blog I've ever read on here. I love it because everyone feels this way at least a few time during this process!
    1948 days ago
    I'm so with you. Tired of having to work so hard. Bouncing around. Being afraid to enjoy food or miss a workoout when I hurt.

    But yoyu look amazing! You should be proud. emoticon
    1949 days ago
    Ups and downs... the journey is a rollercoaster - at least that's what you've told me... Look at all of the goals you've listed - I think you've hit all of them (except for the jeans on the door)! Look at what you do with your kids - you no longer watch them play because you're playing WITH them. You got me off my butt - and that's a heck of a feat!
    1949 days ago
    there with you emoticon
    1949 days ago
    The post holiday ''blahs'' are in full swing for me. I ,too, am sick and tired! All we can do is keep on keeping on! Enjoyed your posts... congratulations on your accomplishments!
    1949 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    We all get tired. I know exactly what you mean. It's ok to get tired it's part of being human. If I can offer anything it would be focus on the inside more. Focus on YOUR happiness. Do things you enjoy. It will make all of this a la little easier.

    emoticon emoticon
    1949 days ago
    I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!
    Seriously, I really enjoyed this.
    1950 days ago
    It all get's to be so much effort sometimes , but for me I know that as soon as I go off here and stop encoraging people that i've never even had a comment or response from most of the time, well I lose my focus too, so by helping others I realise I am helping myself too. Yes, it does all get bothersome and tiresome but it's worth the effort even if it's just to maintain all that you've already achieved. I wish I had. Keep going even though you're tired....you're worth it .Thankyou for being such a good sparkfriend to me emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
  • LEMON2012
    Such an inspiration! Girl I'm tired after a year...ups & downs....some "beast -ode" weeks, some "mediocre" weeks but I'm still going! I struggle with "stopping" at times....but NO...another round I'll go! Love the honesty of your blog! "Just keep swimming" (keep going) emoticon
    1950 days ago
    Yes we all have the same thoughts ,Dont give up go read my sparks page,I'm still falling down and getting back up and knot giving up. emoticon
    1951 days ago
    1951 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    emoticon I'm tired too, but I've just begun! Stay strong & keep it moving! You can do this!
    1951 days ago
    We all have "been there, done that!" I'm in the same boat with you, sister! But together, we can do this! Let's make 2013 our year! We will SUCCEED!
    1951 days ago
    I am with you. Every step of the way.... You have hit a little bump, but we all have. You know I'm dealing with the same issues of non-motivation.
    I know you can do it! You are awesome, and I thank you so much for the inspiration you have given me!!!
    You Rock!
    1951 days ago
    Even your AWOL friends (ahem, me) appreciate the love when they tip their toes back in to sp. No effort is ever wasted!

    you have been an inspiration!
    1951 days ago
    I'm exploring developing EFT "scripts" to move me past my anxiety and transgressions and get myself back on track quicker and quicker.

    There is an EFT Team if you want to find out more, and it is discussed and used as a tool in the IOWL Team (disclaimer: I am a leader on that team!)

    You don't have to "tap" to get a good effect. I'm still working on getting over the "weirdness" of tapping my anxieties away!!

    I have found that just developing and saying the scripts is and enjoyable and worthwhile exercise.

    I find that I am better able to take exquisite care of myself the deeper I appreciate the "whole" of me and learn to accept and move past the "bad parts." I'm able to "self correct" faster and faster and that is the true essence of long term weight loss and maintenance.

    Reduces my stress a whole lot too!

    Sample script:

    Even though I (name my food transgression negative thought, or bad behavior)
    I completely and deeply love and forgive and accept myself.

    (say this 3 X)

    Then say a series of 3-6 positives such as:

    I eat only at mealtimes and my planned snack times.
    I eat consciously enjoy every bite.
    I have no more desire to eat after 6:00 at night.
    I eat slowing and savor my food.
    I'm aware of my hunger and use it as a gauge when I eat.
    I so enjoy my food when I eat less of it!!
    I enjoy my "me" time at the gym.
    I take time to take care of myself.

    Hope this helps some!

    1951 days ago
    emoticon I have been there 100 times....hang on.
    1951 days ago
    And this is why weight loss and successful maintenance are so very hard. Just think of how far you've come and how many positive changes you've made to your life. Do you really want to give up and go back to where you were when you first started? No way!!! I think every one of us has experienced these feelings at some point--it's easy and understandable to feel like life isn't fair if you've got weight management issues. But I know you can push through this and keep on heading towards your ultimate goals, which you're already so very close to! You can do this, girl!
    1951 days ago
    Tou are soo honest expresiing wat u feel, i soo like that, i still feeel the same, takking it one day at a time, keeping the work out coz it makes me feel good abt myself.. i do still look at mysef and c aft a girl, but i compare pix and b realtic, y are we so harh on oursleves. we deserve much much more :)
    1951 days ago
    I wonder about some of those as well.

    1952 days ago
    It's okay! I was exactly where you are right now last year right before Christmas. I gave myself one week to eat EVERYTHING I wanted and not to work out at all. I found out that by Wednesday of that week I NEEDED to do a workout and to move somehow because I was too antsy otherwise. I did eat anything I wanted but I found out that I couldn't (or didn't want) to eat as much as I would have before I changed my habits. I MISSED my salads. I missed my activity and I realized I had finally made the changes for life. It was an awesome experience!

    Give yourself time. Let yourself have one day to do what you want. But realize that with every good choice you make about food or exercise, you are still doing great things for your body even if you're still considered to be "obese." My BMI is 27 - I need to lose 12-13 more pounds to be in the normal range. But I'm happy and know I'm healthy even though I still consider myself as much bigger than I really am.

    You're doing GREAT! I'm glad you were able to vent here. Know that everyone is in your corner and many of us have been where you are. Keep going! It's worth it! :) Hugs!
    1952 days ago
    Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone!! I get the same feelings too. I think you are such an inspiration. emoticon Holly. You are worth it!! emoticon
    1952 days ago
    emoticon its good to vent & get it all out!

    emoticon for being my inspiration & cheerleader.
    1952 days ago
    I think you should be proud of yourself for venting here instead of heading for the pantry!

    As for the BMI thing, I agree with the other comments that perhaps your muscle mass is skewing the results of that particular measurement. There are other, more accurate measurements of body fat and overall fitness, and you may want to check them out. Here are some URLs about alternatives:

    * http://www.thecalculatorsite.com/ar

    * http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/2011

    * http://articles.latimes.com/2012/ju

    * http://www.newscientist.com/article

    * http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource

    Hang in there!

    1952 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/19/2013 5:02:29 PM
    Wow - look at all these responses................ you are awesome and touch so many around you - even when you think you don't. I am ashamed to say I am one the MIA's and I am not proud. I am still just as big as I have ever been. You are not! You have been busting butt and it shows. You are a true inspiration and a caring friend, mother, wife, daughter, sister............................. you can whine now and again - just don't beat yourself up too much, you have come so far and the best thing is - you are still working it and not letting those old comfortable habits get you back!
    1952 days ago
    You have cheered for me and I want to cheer for you.. Thanks for the cheers - it meant a lot to me... You can do it - those last 20 pounds will come off.. and you won't be obese. Keep on keeping on! I share your fear of certain foods - its potato chips and doughnuts for me! But those fears don't define us... You can do it! You are on this journey because you are living Holly's new life! *hugs*
    1952 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    emoticon Listening to you and nodding my head, while sipping my Latte.. That's what friends do. Let it out sista- emoticon
    1952 days ago
    emoticon Just know you are NOT alone, I would say we all have the same feelings!! Big hugs & love from Texas. emoticon
    1953 days ago

    I know it's hard, and I hope you feel better soon! Thanks for all the smiles you've given me over the past months, and I'll make more of an effort to be more active than just tracking on here.
    1953 days ago
    Time for a NSV list to remind yourself of all the fabulous, exciting things you can do now. It's hard to pass up on the Oreos, but remember those horrifying moments when you realized you couldn't fit into the booth at a restaurant, or a seat on a plane? I've been there, and I know you have, too. It's tough, but the results are always worth it.
    1953 days ago
    I'm with ya on this one, I know this is going to sound condescending, ( I don't mean it that way ) but look at how far you have come!! My God woman, you have lost an entire person!!! That's gotta count for something.

    You have (so far) beat some pretty stiff odds when it comes to weight loss and are an inspiration to a ton of people. It's OK to have a pity party once in a while, we all do, but you also need to look at your accomplishments.

    YOU deserve this and quit being so hard on yourself.

    emoticon emoticon
    1953 days ago
    You may be tired but you are also strong and inspiring and open and honest. You share your thoughts and successes and frustrations which makes everyone feel better and less alone with theirs. I've been having such work struggles lately but I read people's posts and am able to put my woes in perspective or gain insight in a new way to deal with the stress. I'm far too introverted to post my own blogs but appreciate and admire those that do. Your pictures and words show a strong and beautiful woman, keep telling yourself that. Today will be a better day.
    1953 days ago
    you've done wonderfully! and yes it is hard. very hard. and slow, very slow. whining occasionally is probably good for you! good luck and hang in there!
    1953 days ago
    1953 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    Frankly I have had to stop reaching out to AWOL SparkFriends unless I REALLY care about them.

    I am also tired of the giving and not getting, I think we both wrote similar things in the Veterans group, about not getting the support, even the random passer by support when we where "stars" losing fast, not really struggling on the surface (kicking like mad underneath, but hey, who wants to see that?).

    I'm scared of thinking this will forever be a trial to me.

    *hugs* I value your friendship and I hope you value mine as much x

    1953 days ago
    Keep at it! I am having a hard time getting my weight loss going and I totally understand where you are coming from with your frustrations!
    1953 days ago
    Been there. emoticon
    1953 days ago
  • DAWNESS0404
    I feel ya sister!! I just went throught a few days late last week and early this week feeling the same way. Ive done really good for about 3-4 days now but when I see everyone else in my family eating whatever they want I feel like screaming!!

    I think you look great though!! emoticon
    1953 days ago
    Sometimes you just gotta whine. Sometimes you just have to be mad!!!! Sometimes (hopefully) you wake up the next morning and just say, "OK, it's not a lot of fun, but here we go again." And never underestimate hormones. It could be them talking. When they calm down, you will calm down.
    1953 days ago
    Hey your comments brought me back. I am down 8 pounds. I am so proud of you. I know what you mean though. For people that have spent their whole life eating what we went when we wanted, it is HARD to stick with it.

    Tonight I went to eat n park and was "good." It sucked. LOL
    1953 days ago
  • SARAL72
    I sometimes think life is a roller coaster, and I get motion sickness.

    Of course you are tired!! You've been through so much!! emoticon
    Changing your image, watching your food all the time, it's like discovering a new you...traveling in unknown countries... it can be really overwhelming!

    I do not know why you are still in the obese range, you look fab on your photos!!! but you might have heavy bones, I know for a normal size I was 10 kgs heavier than my friends...for me a "normal size" is in the fat part of the BMI ...oh well...who cares what the scale says, what's important is if you like what you see!

    I was reading that book a few months ago, about food addiction I think it was called something like "the hunger fix". I never realized before how my relation to food was so tricky...and since that book, I must say that I avoid a few things at all price, and that's probably the safest way for me.
    I did quit smoking 17 years ago, when I was pregnant. I never went back, never smoked even once since!! it took 10 years for the cravings to stop....that was bad, but manageable. But food....we need it, impossible to banish it...and temptation is EVERYWHERE!

    To stay focused, think everyday about what I will wear when I will be at a better weight, what workout I will be able to do without dying from an asthma attack, and how better I will feel to look at myself in the mirror.
    I did buy a few things in smaller sizes, and it is great, little by little to be able to wear it.
    It will be especially rewarding to be able to wear that wedding dress....if not I will have other options....I think you need to find yourself a special goal.... emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1953 days ago
    Dead on. I'm tired of passing by the chips and poptarts in the grocery store when I want them. I'm tired of working so hard for no results. I'm tired of not being able to think of anything else. I'm tired of being so close to the finish line but having it look further away than ever...yeah. *hugs*
    1953 days ago
    Check out the food documentary I've been pimping all over sparkpeople. Its on netflix instant if you have that. Its called Hungry for Change. It was so eye opening for me. Changed my whole mind set as far as why I'm doing this and what I want to get out of it. I'm so ready for it to be a lifestyle.

    I think a good attitude to try to have about people here and real life is to give without expecting anything back.

    1953 days ago
    Holly, it all does matter. I am with HEALTHYASHLEY. I gave in and gained just about all of my hard-earned losses back. You don't want to go there again. I kick myself every day for letting it happen and being angry with myself - sometimes hating myself - is a lot worse than being tired, believe me. Try to hang on until the feeling passes - reach out to those who are not missing and do care - it does matter and you are SO worth it!
    1953 days ago
    You've expressed my greatest fear, Holly! This is a very real part of our journeys. Unfortunately, you are faced with it right now. No quick fixes, no answers just saying I believe you will make it through this because you have prooven you're a strong, determined woman to get this far.
    1953 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Tomorrow is another day and it will be brighter! You are doing great and look fantastic. Don't let that mirror lie to you like that. You need to look in the mirror and see the beautiful person that we see. I hope you can hit the reset button and get a good nights sleep and feel much better in the morning! emoticon emoticon
    1953 days ago
    I stopped doing all those things and ended up 300+ pounds again. I wish it was possible to say it stops once we are thin but it never does. It's frustrating but I think a lot of thin people do that and just aren't as vocal about it. Time to set the next goal. I am so proud of you my friend!
    1953 days ago
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