Losing It

Warning: this is a long rambling blog that I don't expect anyone to read necessarily. Just had to write it all down.

I almost lost it last night. My ex-husband and his partner are still both sick with pneumonia, so they've asked me to keep the kids with me for another week. My boyfriend has been in a super bad mood for the last week or so, and this made his mood even worse. He really enjoys the breaks from the kids so two full weeks with them around is a lot for him. He also registered for a few courses, as he's planning to study to become a home inspector, and started complaining and moaning to me about how expensive it's going to be and how he doesn't want to do it anymore. I guess he's in a bit of a depression. He hasn't worked in a while, and lately he hasn't done anything around the house either. So I get home from work and he hasn't unloaded the dishwasher or started dinner, or vacuumed, or done any of the reno jobs we need doing. He's been staying up until 4am and sleeping until after the kids get home from school, then doing stuff on his computer until the kids go to bed at which point we generally sit on the couch together and watch TV for an hour until I start falling asleep.

So after the discussion about how he doesn't want to be a home inspector anymore and how he basically doesn't want to do anything (which can't happen, because now we need extra money), I came upstairs to find my son was making Kraft Dinner, when I had just started spaghetti for supper. I guess I overreacted to that a little bit, but then tried to calm down. Got the kids fed (my son ate the Kraft Dinner and the spaghetti), and then my son just kept following me around, or harassing his sister because he wanted to do something with somebody. I just wanted to be alone. I told my son I was going out for a walk by myself for half an hour and when I got back, I would do something with him. Went downstairs to tell my boyfriend that I was going for a walk and the kids were staying home. I guess my boyfriend could see that I was upset because he followed me upstairs and asked me what was going on, at which point, I just lost it and started bawling. I told him that I couldn't handle his non-stop bad mood and his not doing anything around the house and not finding any work. And that I'm working and trying to keep the house clean and make decent meals and lose weight all while essentially raising 2 kids by myself. Because while they spend an equal amount of time with their father, he doesn't take responsibility for anything. I taught them to ride their bikes, I sign them up for camps, I make sure they get their homework done, I make all of their medical appointments and take them to those appointments, I make sure they get a March break vacation, I answer all of their questions about life, the universe and everything.

Poor me. Anyway, it must have triggered something in my boyfriend because he apologized and was helpful. Often when we have these discussions he gets defensive. But this time he said he knew he wasn't doing anything around the house and he needed to get going. He said he is going to do the home inspector training but is overwhelmed because it's so much more involved than he thought. Being overwhelmed when starting something new like that is normal I think. He asked if he should start being a father to the kids. I appreciate the thought, but that's not likely to happen. I told him that he could help around the house more -- make sure the dishes get done, some of the dinner prep gets done, vacuum up the cat fur once a week, etc. So he agreed that he will start doing those things. I'm hoping the courses help him to feel better. He essentially has no life outside of the house, and while he's a strong introvert, everyone needs something in their life.

Anyway, it helped, and I felt better after that. I ended up taking my son on my walk with me because I knew he was concerned about me after he heard me crying. He's a really sweet kid, my boy. I had to answer a bunch of his questions about what my boyfriend and I were talking about. The poor kid apologized for making the Kraft Dinner. So I apologized to him for being mad about that. I remember what it was like to be a kid and know your parents were unhappy, and feel that somehow it's your fault, when really, it has nothing to do with you. I can only hope that by answering his questions as honestly as I can, he'll understand that it isn't his fault. He challenges me sometimes that boy, with all his questions. He has ADHD and has a whole lot to say. I remember a few years ago, sitting at a restaurant with my kids, while my son asked me question after question after question. At one point, an older woman from another table came over to me and said, "I just wanted to come over and tell you what a great mother you are, answering all of those questions so patiently." It was a really nice thing for her to say.

Anyway, I feel much better today, although I also feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. Walked to work and have had a pretty productive day so far. My boyfriend has gone out flying today. He loves planes and I bought him a pilot for a day certificate for his birthday, and he's finally gotten around to using it. So that should be a mood booster for him, and give us something to chat about later on tonight. I am being strict with my kids about bedtimes so that I get at least an hour of me time or time with my boyfriend before I start to fall asleep.

My eating has been good. I have a little catching up to do on steps as I didn't quite get to 10000 on Sunday or Monday. I'll have to figure out how to do that as I'm not sure I can walk to work tomorrow since I'll need to pick the kids up from karate after work.

My hamstrings are still killing me from the kettlebell working. Hurting more than they did yesterday actually. I don't think I'll attempt another workout until tomorrow.

When I gave blood yesterday, they recorded my blood pressure at 180/94. I've tended towards high blood pressure, but that's the highest I've seen it. I'll have to check it myself over the next couple of days, and if that keeps up, maybe go see my doctor.

Okay, that's it, I'm finally done. If you read all the way through this -- wow, and thank you!