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Monday, January 14, 2013

Think Beastie Boys when you read my title because that is all I have done to myself. I don't like my weight, I don't like my eating habits and yet, I continue to make stupid decisions. Why? Beats me. I'm bored, I suppose. I am currently out of work which has me feeling awful about myself. I feel useless, I take naps I don't need to take and I eat when I shouldn't. I made the decision to not even have foods in the house that could tempt me. It sucks for my husband and son who are not overweight at all and eat rather healthy consistently. My son begs me to put veggies in his lunch, he is eight. I could make the same decision but I had chips instead. Why did we have chips in the house? Because we had people over during the weekend. I guess I feel the need to eat it all.

The other day, I became upset with my son because he was acting like a spoiled brat. I grew up incredibly poor and my husband had grandparents that gave him EVERYTHING he wanted. So, we have a difference of opinion when it comes to what spoiling actually is. In my frustration I told my son that at his age I barely even got to eat, my brothers and sisters ate before me and my parents and if there was left overs then I got to to eat. Most of my meals came from school and in fifth grade I made a new friend whose mother caught on real fast what was happening at my house and invited me over for dinner as often as she could. So, my son says to me "Is that why you eat so much? Because you didn't get to eat much as a kid?" I guess I never really thought of it that way. My moms parents became upset at my weight when I was in third grade and called CPS on my parents and told them I was starving. To me, that wasn't the case, its just how it was in my house. This was an eye opener for me. And when I think about why I am eating when I shouldn't be, I truly do fear that I won't eat again for a while. Now, I moved out of my parents house in high school and my husband has always provided. He has never let us go hungry. I don't understand why this fear won't leave.

Oh and to top it all off, I have access to a brand new gym in my apartment complex, all the time in the day to workout and I don't. Why? I would say I don't know but now I know that is not true. I did that fitness test for Spark People...the pushups and so on. I hurt for two days after doing those pushups and I have a fear of feeling that pain all the time. It's stupid, I know. What really irks me is that as a teen and in my early twenties I lived for the pain of workouts or games or whatever exercise I was doing. I want my athletic self back but I seem to be too lazy to do it.....

Someone please drag me out of my house.....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I know I am hard on myself. I have always been that way. My expectations for myself are usually way too high. I set myself up to fail. I am doing the little steps....I already feel a little better. You are all so kind, thank you again.
    1952 days ago
    emoticon Take one step at a time. Maybe start with eating vegetables. I understand what you are saying about chips because they are my downfall also. I made up my mind that we will not have them in our house. Now I have to convince hubby of this also. Anyway, I found company like having healthy foods like cheese and raw veggies served to them. Again, take one step at a time.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    We are here for you! We are here to encourage each other.

    1952 days ago
    You can do this! Take it slow and make changes as you feel comfortable. As long as you can say you tried and kept trying is good. Don't give up on anything. emoticon
    1953 days ago
    1953 days ago
    Wow! Stop being so hard on yourself! I have been right there in your shoes. Don't look at the weight loss and exercise as a big giant thing. Break it down into tiny steps. Such as--- I was a cokeaholic. I drank as many as 12 cokes a day when at my worst. My first baby step was to cut back to 6 or under for a few days. I figured I can do anything for a few days. Then I cut back to 2 a day for a few days. Then down to one. I now haven't had a coke in over a week. I do the same thing with exercise. Just do a 5 min. cardio workout (you can even do them while sitting) video once a day for a few days. Then add something else small. Take each parts of your program and break it down into small doable bites. Slowly grow that into whatever plan you want. Good luck and keep trying. Trying is all we can do. emoticon
    1953 days ago
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