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Sunday, January 13, 2013

So it is a new year...time for some changes....time to get myself out of the depression or funk or whatever it is that has been going on for the past few weeks. I lost friends over this because they didn't agree w me standing beside him. Going to visit him, writing him. I don't have to support him as much as I did when he was in before, but this time I know he is looking at major time. (well unless we can make a deal) and I am not holding out a lot of hope for that because all he has is a PD...mom is too broke to afford a good attorney :( I have the youngest in therapy, but he refuses to talk about it. I don't cry every day anymore, but yesterday got me... I plugged in the iphone into the aux in the car, and hit play...about 3 songs in Rascal Flatts Changed came on..I love Rascal Flatts and I have heard this song, but never really paid attention to it...but it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday and I just cried and cried. He had asked the week before for me to talk to someone about teen challenge and hopefully get him in that program, seems he wants help. Do I believe that he wants help or just because he is locked up.....I REALLY DON'T KNOW :( I wish I did, but I had contacted them and they sent him the paperwork and he filled it out. Was told about a new program this week to that I will be checking into. When the doctors hand you your brand new babies you look at them and see, first steps, first words, kindergarten graduation, prom, graduation, getting married, grandkids, you never look at them and see prison stripes, and bars. Least I didn't. IF HE IS WILLING TO CHANGE, then it is time I picked MYSELF up and did some changing too...
Tomorrow I go for my first fill. I feel like I have kind of yo-yo'd the past couple of weeks. But with a enlarged spleen and liver I don't feel like I am ever going to see the weight come off my belly. I can tell in my jeans I am losing, but it is coming off my butt, and legs...I was hoping for the face and belly!!! Patience is not really my strong suit... I am realizing I need to learn that...and I am working on it. I am sticking to what I need to be eating, protein first, then the vegs, but the past couple of weeks I have been getting hungry, so I know it is time for a fill....Maybe if I could just see some of the belly go away or the face, I would feel like I am making progress!!! The scale is going up and down, but I am retaining a lot of fluid...seems the more I take in the more my body holds on too...but I am not normal, I figured that out a couple of years ago. My C-RP test was sky hi so we have to have another one soon, PET SCAN is tomorrow after the fill, and I am tired of feeling bad...but I have decided that part of that is mental and if I can change the mental the physical will follow. Its been rainy and dreary here for almost 2 weeks, that doesn't help, I need sunshine!!!! More rain this week....I am never going to be able to get out and walk!!! Can't afford the gym at the moment...I have given myself till March to get back into my umpire pants that I wore 7 years ago...I am determined not to have to buy new ones...Shirts yes, because they will be hanging off me, but pants I want to be able to get back into -- the past 4 years I have called in shorts, this year if I am going to step on that field I am going to look like the certified umpire I am!!!
My daughter and her husband just bought their first house, got them moved this weekend, and I am so happy and proud for them. She lost about 80 lbs over 2 yrs so she is a big support for me. The teen on the other hand isn't liking the "Life style Change" he wants mcdonalds and taco bell everynight...even tho my budget doesn't afford it anymore...just had to buy a new vehicle. Well wasn't new but new to me...so went from no payment to payment and raised insurance with less pay thanks to the new tax rates :( always something isnt it...best to just get another job and roll on...but I am determined to get out of this dark place and find some light...I have a app on my phone I use every day to track calories since I haven't been on here but I have been staying under 1000 cal a day...Protein shakes are still tough to get down for me...I need a new brand...but I am dealing with everything else ok. Still SCARED of bread...crackers are ok but bread I havent even tried!!! If yall don't see me around for awhile please check on me...hold me responsible for my moods and my actions...!!!! I can't hide behind my child forever...yes he caused much of them but its time for a change....

I got off track, I made mistakes, Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost, lines get crossed, and the pain won't go away. I hit my knees, now here I stand, There I was, here I am Here I am changed...Rascal Flatts...for both me and Jason...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JENNY888
    Think of the positive things like how proud you are of your daughter.
    1928 days ago
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