Restarting With A Fresh Mind & Spirit
Sunday, January 13, 2013
It is true in order to move forward in this weight loss journey you have to did deep into your mind and soul and figure out and forgive yourself/others for the multiple reasons that got you to the place where you allowed yourself to put on the weight and loose yourself. And that's what it is, we lose ourselves; the weight takes a toll on us and we become someone we are not and most of the time someone we don't like.
I thought I was okay and liked the person I had become. But this last year I've had ot do alot of soul searching and forgiving and though I am not religous alot of asking for forgiveness. I was living with the past, not in it but I wasn't letting it go either, and that we can't do if we want to move forward. Over the last year I have been working on letting go and forgiveness. Going back to work and building up my self-esteem and confidence has helped alot.
I got hurt at work back in July. During the last 3 months, I've had to learn over again how to stand up for myself and not let others walk on or push/bully me. It's been hard. I had become so use to letting others do or say whatever they wanted. Not anymore. I found my back bone, some more of my confidence, but mostly I found a part of the old me - the me that didn't take that crap, and didn't accept the me I had become. On Monday was back at the doctor's office for a cortisone shot, and 2 weeks off work (dr. was ticked when I told him I didn't meet criteria for light duties or off time).
I also took the chance to open up a store/workshop for 6 months - working both it and my part-time job. I will be closing the store when my lease is up as it's not making enough to support itself. For what seemed like the longest time I felt like the world would end and I was such a failure - my product is crap, no one likes it (which I've never heard from someone who has used it), and because it was crap so am I (sound familiar, it's the same garbage I was already believing/carrying). But after alot of thought, some negative, I realized: I didn't die 20 yrs ago, and I won't die this time. But this time I will make a choice (I let others make the choice and tell me what I was going to do and believe what they said about me either real or imagined). Instead of letting this "failure",which it's not, it's a set back, I will close the store but I will not stop my passion. I will just go back to markets and shows.
But the most profound thing, and it is why I am back. The other day we were out, I was looking at something and for the first time in 20 years I didn't feel like my heart was being cut out or swallowed up by the darkness of the memory. The memory was light instead of dark, and I was able to remember the fun and happiness of the memory instead. In that moment I realized at some point over the last 5 months I had forgiven myself. And it was so freeing to realize that. I know I probably won't be the same person I was 20 yrs ago but I will be better than I have been. I will be a new and improved me! I'm look forward to not just 2013 but the rest of my life!