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Keep the brain out of it

Saturday, January 12, 2013

So. Over the fall and Christmas I had a gain of 33 lbs.

You read that right.

From my lowest point of 97 lbs lost.

For some that may be their total weight they want to lose. For others that's a drop in the bucket.

I know some of it was salt (over Christmas, especially). After my surgery I was only up 22lbs. I lost a couple being pretty strict with calories while I was practically immobile.

Only 22.


I let myself slide. Slide into old/unhealthy eating habits. More eating out, desserts, more toast and peanut butter before a run of 5-10k or so. I don't need more peanut butter toast before that length of a run! 1 piece is enough. 4 is too many.


And I let myself stop tracking the food into Sparkpeople.

And I stopped weighing in at least once a week. My scale got buried under a pile of towels there for a while.

So that is why you've been seeing my weight drop every day or two, or whatnot. I'm sure it's a lot of salt. There shall be no hiding for the time being. I know that bodies fluctuate, and mine has been doing that- drop 2, gain 1, drop 1, another 1, gain 2, drop 3, gain 1....I don't panic if I see a slight gain as I am doing everything right and will see it go down again. My body has never maintained the same weight from 1 weigh-in to the next. Ever. That I ever remember. How do people accomplish that?!

I'm good at losing and apparently, as history has shown, I've got gaining cased as well.

But that's not it. I WILL take that off again, and more.

That is just leading into this:

The weight gain has MESSED with my HEAD.

All of a sudden I was all, 'pffft, I don't care, I'll have this extra cinnamon bun as well. Whatever.'

And, 'I don't want to go out in public as much anymore.'

And, 'pffft, lets hold back on taking pictures again.'

And the worst of all, 'I CAN'T RUN AS FAST.' 'I CAN'T DO THIS.' 'THIS IS HARD.'

Ummm, say what?! That has NEVER been in my head before. Sure some things may be hard, but that's why it's called putting in the EFFORT.

And so I started taking walk breaks within my 10 minute runs (10 min run, 1 minute walk, 10 run, 1 walk, etc- this is normal. 10 min run, 1 walk, 3 run, 2 walk, 5 run, 1 walk, etc is NOT NORMAL for me).

When did I EVER need a walk break in the middle of runs?! Not even on my long 18k runs.

And the gain number messed with my head that I was turning around early and running 6k instead of 8, and still taking walks when I should have been running.

And I'm sure my Tom Green guy was, on those runs, wondering WTF?! Well, at least I was thinking that about myself.

And this gain messed with my head so much that I even, for a brief second, contemplated quitting running. And I thought on my first clinic day (Tues) that maybe this 5k clinic group I am leading will be it for me for running.

And then Wednesday I snapped. I said, 'this is it. I CAN do it. My brain full of negative thoughts does NOT have a PLACE here ANYMORE!'

I need to stay OUT of my HEAD!

Me: Screw you, brain.
Brain: Whatever, fatty.
Me: I have lost over 70lbs! You have NO control over me!
Brain: ----silence----

Note: I am not used to negative thoughts about myself, except when I realized what the scale weighed again after Christmas. Not even at my highest. My brain and I are pretty cool, usually.

So my resolve was set.

And my 9.8k run on Wed? I rocked it. I didn't run it as fast as I have before, but I didn't take those breaks either.

So I tried this method in my spin class today.

my brain: my legs are burning! They can't go on!
Me: stay out of this, brain!

And so I took my focus off of the thoughts and what do you know?! I crushed it. I don't recall ever spinning that hard or fast before!

Me: 1
Brain: 0

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so glad I found your page and read this blog - I had a slip over the holidays too that has messed with me throughout January as well. Exercise comes easy - I think it's very similar to an addiction - I really struggle without it. But it's the food, the food issues that bring me down. I vowed to figure this 'food issue I have' out in 2013 - let's do it together - I'm rooting for ya! -Shanna emoticon
    1939 days ago
    emoticon on shutting down that brain chatter. It's so cliche but "you are much stronger than you think you are." I mean do you know how much strength it takes to get back up and never give up? This is what I have to tell myself when I fall by the way side of my "war". It is SO easy to give up, but sticking it out when everything is screaming "quit!" Pfft, that is strength baby! emoticon Very proud of you emoticon
    1946 days ago
  • FARRAH511
    Wow Congratulations!

    I've been there, and Thanks to God right now I'm also gaining to the brain.

    Have a Marvelous Day!

    1947 days ago
    I relate to this so much. my weight gain recently has totally messed with me. I'm embaressed to go out as much and my running has sucked recently. And it's only a small gain compared to what I've lost overall. I need to stop being so hard on myself!
    1955 days ago
    We can all let those negative things creep back in. You have done an awesome job shutting that down and just doing the work! I am working on losing the almost 20 I gained from my low so i know what you mean!

    emoticon emoticon
    1955 days ago
    I love seeing you back!

    I was having a conversation with a few people yesterday while we were waiting for the other half-marathoners to finish. We've all lost a certain amount of weight, from very little to really huge numbers (one lady has lost over 350 lbs in the last 8 years). It seems bodies tend to act in one of two ways - either they lose/gain really easy and really fast, but have a hard time staying steady, or they lose/gain really hard and really slow, but have no problem at all staying in the same place. Both, I think, have their advantages and disadvantages...
    1956 days ago
    Glad to see you getting out of your head! My TKD Grandmaster always says Tae Kwon Do is 90% mental and 10% physical. I believe this about EVERYTHING. Your brain will always give out before your body does. You CAN do this. Just keep telling your brain to shutup. Rock on!
    1956 days ago
    As someone who just stepped out of her own mind only 6 days ago , your blog really hit home. I had so many (waay too many) days of 'Pffft' and total acceptance of every negative thing my brain was telling me about myself that I wasn't sure if I was even going to stay with SP. Now that is a major Pffft for me cuz I actually relate more to my spark buddies than I do to most people in my real world. I love it here.
    Anyway, something happened, not sure what, and I kinda got myself back on track again. Maybe my Guardian Angel had these words for my brain ...
    "The Body is a terrible thing to waste"

    Glad you won the battle of Mind Over Matter - Cuz YOU Matter!
    1956 days ago
    Sometimes, a mind is a terrible thing.....

    I've found that 90% of my stamina issues are mental. And yes, there's an insidious creeping in of those thoughts.

    My big self-motivational saying is, "I never regret working out, but I always regret not working out"

    BTW, I'm a big fan of walk got me through numerous record time and with less soreness. It's an amazing way to increase your stamina and, i believe, is actually good for you!

    Pick up a copy of Jeff Galloway's book called running. He spells it all out
    1957 days ago
    emoticon I am proud of you!
    1957 days ago
    Great attitude!! No way you're going to give in to this: no way!!
    1957 days ago
    I am struggling with getting back on track also. emoticon
    1957 days ago
    I love your dialogue, and your wall paper for that matter. Gotta have some humor when it comes to weight loss. Bless you!
    1957 days ago
    I gained about the same since May. You are not alone. We can do it.
    1957 days ago
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