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The best F word is Forgiveness

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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Today is day 15 of my current "on track" streak!

On Thursday, I blogged about my hubby calling me "fat" during an argument, and I got a lot of replies to that blog. Lots of great advice and caring, so thank you to everyone who responded.

I just want to say that my hubby is a great guy. For him to call me "fat" or any other derogatory name is completely out of character for him. He has always been my number one fan, and he has done so much to teach me to love myself.

Before I met him, I had the worlds lowest self esteem. My whole life, I had been abused, physically and verbally....by my parents, by the bullies at school, and by my first husband. The cruel things that they said and did to me just about completely destroyed my soul. As a child and teen, I would starve myself, or binge and purge. I was very thin.

As an adult, I went the opposite direction...I would just eat, and eat, and eat. I think I was trying to stuff all the pain down. My first husband would say things like "I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with a fatty like you." Or "I'm too good looking to be married to you." Those words would devastate me, and I would comfort myself with food. And then I would feel shame, because all that food was just making me fatter and fatter. And so to comfort myself, I would eat more. It was a terrible cycle that I couldn't stop. I would have times when I would "go on a diet" and I would lose some weight. But then my first husband would say something mean about my weight or looks, and I would be back to my old habits, and the weight would come right back on.

Even after my first husband died, I could still hear his cruel words. I felt in my heart that he was right. I was just a fatty, and I didn't deserve love. But then, two years later, I met D. He was handsome, in shape...and ten years younger than me! He was so funny and had such a zest for life. We became friends, and I developed a huge crush on him. I tried to hide it though...I thought "He would just laugh if he knew a fat old woman had feelings for him." Isn't that sad? I was only 35 years old but I thought I was an old woman! I had given up on myself.

Eventually, we ended up as more than friends. He never mentioned my weight, but I often wondered if he was embarrassed by me because I was so much bigger than him. Then in 2005, when I was 44, we were on vacation in Florida. We decided to spend the day in Saint Augustine, walking through the city. It was so HOT that day, in the high 90's. I weighed 260 lbs, and the heat got to me. I tried to keep going, but the heat was too intense, and before long I was panting, sweating and having to sit down every few minutes because I thought I was going to faint. Finally, hubby told me to wait right where I was, and he went and got the car and came back to pick me up. I was so embarrassed and ashamed! I kept expecting him to start insulting me, as my first husband would have. But when he finally spoke, he said "I love you....but you are killing yourself. You have to lose the weight, because I can't live without you."

No one had ever said anything so loving to me before! But it was just what I needed. I ended up joining Curves and watching what I ate. I became a vegetarian. I ultimately lost 86 lbs. But then, some bad things happened in our lives, and I became depressed. I gained the weight back....and more. Hubby never said anything mean to me about it, but he did express his concern. But I was too depressed to care. I could see how sad and worried he was about my weight, but by the time I DID start to care, I was just too overwhelmed to even think about losing it again. I'd gained so much! My previous highest weight had been 260, but now I was up to 286. It just seemed like an impossible amount to lose.

But finally, last March, I decided to get started. Instead of thinking about the huge number of pounds I would have to lose, I decided to focus on my health, and on non-scale victories. I got my starting weigh in, and after that I just starting doing my best every day to get healthy. I quit Curves, and started to workout out at home instead. And my hubby was there for me every step of the way. If I wasn't feeling motivated to workout, he would workout with me. If I didn't want to fix myself something healthy to eat, he would fix it for me. He would compliment my every little effort, and he made it a point to notice every bit of progress I made. And I finally realized that I needed to really love myself. It doesn't matter what my parents said, or what those bullies in school said, or what my first husband said. Their opinions didn't have to be my reality anymore!

With my hubby's encouragement, help and support, I kept working out and eating right. I have made so much progress since March, and he has been there to cheer me on every single day. And he has always loved me, no matter what the scale said.

So back to my Thursday blog, the one about our argument and him calling me fat. We have talked it out, and everything is fine between us. He has promised to never call me that word again...and I had to make a promise too. I'm not Miss Innocent in this. I said some pretty rotten things to him too, and I have promised not to say those things again. Of course, either of us might slip up in the heat of the moment, but we both love each other enough to TRY our hardest not to let it happen.

The best F word is Forgiveness.

Dedicated to the best hubby ever!

(This is "our song.")
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DALID414
    I might be hormonal at the moment, but your love story had me emoticon
    Of course your hubby is a great guy, you deserve the best companion.
    1954 days ago
    Hubby sounds like an amazing human being for many reasons. Sounds like you've married your perfect match. Much continued happiness and decades of happy marriage for you both.
    1954 days ago
    Your blog says it so wonderful Forgiveness is the best F word! What a beautiful tribute to your hubby!
    1954 days ago
    Pixie what a heartfelt blog. Sadly we say things in an argument that we really don't mean. It's wonderful that you and your hubby talked things out. When we are under pressure in our lives, things are said that are more out of frustration than true meaning. You do have a wonderful, special, loving husband and you are so very blessed. Forgiveness is such a wonderful word.

    Big Hugs,

    Jane emoticon

    1954 days ago
    Good informative blog! It explains a lot! Forgiveness is the best word. It goes hand in hand with love!
    Lucky you!
    My perfect fella & I had some bad X experiences & we blew up at one another once & afterwards we talked and agreed we didn't want to go there again!
    We haven't! We bark a bit but no yelling or uglyness.
    No partnership is perfect. And all partnerships take respect, work, mending, communication.
    Hugs, R
    1954 days ago
  • DRB13_1
    Now that's love
    what a fitting tribute to your soul mate
    emoticon emoticon Wonderful!
    1954 days ago
    Beautiful blog and I love it and you, Pixie. Have a beautiful week-end and life with the one you love! emoticon emoticon
    1954 days ago
    Everything I would say as been said.

    Thank you so much for sharing, this is also the best way for you
    to feel better too. So much better then to eat. Think how far you have come!
    emoticon you are my inspiration for today.

    Hugs Mary
    1954 days ago
    What a inspirational sharing ! Expressed from the heart . emoticon
    1954 days ago
    A wonderful and heartfelt blog.I agree...Forgiveness is indeed a great word!
    And your love for one another shines bright and true in your writing.
    Wishing you continued succsess in your journey! emoticon
    1954 days ago
    Beautiful post! You surprised me with the Metallica link - love those guys!
    1954 days ago
    1954 days ago
    Great blog.
    1954 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    What wonderful lessons you have gotten and gifted to us!

    1954 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    A fabulous testimonial of true love and forgiveness! Tanks for sharing!
    1954 days ago
    Pixie, this was an amazing blog. You have a great guy there. I am so proud of the person you have become despite the horrible pain of your younger years.

    Forgiveness is an amazing gift. God bless you both.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1954 days ago
    emoticon for sharing ~ you.are.amazing! emoticon
    1954 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    Best blog ever! YAY!
    1954 days ago
    He sounds terrific and I'm so happy you have each other!
    1954 days ago
    Your blog, so well written, is a testimony to the fantastic relationship you have with your hubby. No, it is not always perfect - but how many relationships are perfect always? - Probably none. Yet, in spite of some hurtful words expressed in the heat of an argument, as a couple you have overcome the pain caused by those words. And through talking it out afterwards (and how many people do that)-(probably not many), you have done much to heal the wounds, thus preventing any permanent scarring. Surely the relationship you have built with one another is to be envied! Obvious to all, you love each other very much ... but ... you are human. Still, I'm thinking you're a bit more than that - Like two super human beings!
    Loved your blog and love your attitude!
    1954 days ago
  • DONNA5281

    I really enjoyed reading your blog today. You are very blessed to have so much support from your DH. He sounds like a wonderful man.
    I am happy for you. Keep up the good work.

    emoticon for sharing.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1954 days ago
    You are truly blessed. Yes, forgiveness is such a beautiful word. This is a very nice love letter to your husband. emoticon
    1954 days ago
  • THOMS1
    Whew! I am so glad that you cleared that up. You have a great husband and I wish you both success. I really enjoy reading your blogs. Keep it up. emoticon
    1954 days ago
  • GLORYB83
    Pixie, my heart sheds tears for that young girl who you were years ago. I can't imagine the pain you suffered but I know you came through it all as a stronger woman! Bless you dear!

    We all say things in the heat of an argument that we don't mean and would never even think of normally! We're so sorry after but the deed is done. Talking it out honestly and clearing the air is the best form of forgiving and getting on with your life.

    Love you, Spark Mom Gloria
    1954 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1954 days ago
    Very touching. Thanks for sharing...Isn't it awesome to have somewhere to "vent"? Your husband sound like a very good person. We all say things in the heat of the moment. It is human instint to "go for the jugular" when in fight mode. It shows you have a strong marriage to talk it through, forgive & move on. God Bless! And, again, thanks for sharing emoticon
    1954 days ago
    How VERY sweet and I know you mean it too! I'm sure there are many people out there thinking they wish they had a spouse that would be that kind and loving. You are blessed!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1954 days ago
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