I Know I Can...Be What I Want To Be...Question is: Will I?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

This morning I was able to run/walk a 6 mile event for the first time in my life! If one had told me when I was 338 lbs that I'd be able to do that in a couple of years, I would have said the following: "who? me?", "big girls don't run", "it's against my religion", "I barely can breathe now so why kill me with a run", "I'm not made to run. I have hips, ya know" and several other excuses and phrases that I thought was cute at the time. If one had told me that I would not only run/walk the entire way but would do it in under an hour and 50 minutes, I would probably yell out, "You lyin'!" If one had told me that I could do it while my husband and kid was beside me and other friends around me cheering me on, I would have believed you...but only on the husband part. The rest would have been too far fetched.

In many ways, I'm super glad I felt that way. Why? Because it makes today sweeter. It makes today that much more meaningful to me. It made the last run, the I've-got-no-more-to-give last push that much more beautiful. It also puts another nail in the coffin of the 338 lbs version of me. The one who thought either an appearance on the Biggest Loser or a trip to the surgeon for gastric bypass was the answer despite doctors over the years telling me that I had to exercise. The one who thought she couldn't have a kid, lose weight on her own or like healthy food (hot wings with ranch is still my favorite; I just refuse to eat them) enough to prepare them on a daily basis. Ms. 338 lbs was all about getting from point A to point B as quickly as I can so I would be able to sit down and enjoy. Now I'm realizing that getting from point A to point B isn't quick at all. 18 years just flew by me and in that time, I went from being just the awkwardly big kid in school to the enormous wife of a military man. It took 18 years for me to reach 338 lbs and although I'm no longer 338 lbs and still have a ways to go before reaching my goal weight, I'm now realizing that it's going to take even more time for me to lose it.

I know I can... be what I want to be which is a healthy, agile, leaner, tougher and stronger woman for my family, friends and future clients. Question is...will I? The irony of it all is only time will tell. All I can do is realize that I don't have to go back to that weight and size and do the work to make going forward that much sweeter than staying where I am. Work never promised to be easy, kind or gentle. It never promised to be smooth or sweet or fun. Work just promised that at the end of it, one can be left with two feelings: pure satisfaction or a desire to do more. How one approaches work can be the difference one feels at its end.

That's why I say at the end of my posts "stay motivated". While I'm encouraging others with that phrase, I'm talking with myself, telling myself to not give up. I'm telling myself that the road is long on purpose. 18 years isn't just a walk in the park. 18 years is 6,577.5 days of accepting myself as an unhealthy, large, never-will-be-a-normal-dainty person. I'm trying to undo 18 years worth of acceptance only in 3 years which included 2 pregnancies. Speaking of pregnancy, every woman who has had a child know that pregnancy, especially complicated and/or needing bed rest kinds of pregnancies, throws a wrench in a woman's desire to feel and look her best, let alone possibly do something to change what has been done to it. Here is where the 338 lbs version of me desires to raise her head and hand to say, "that's a valid point. You did have a child and your body's metabolism is slower because of PCOS too. Soooooooooo, your weight isn't anything to do with your health. It has everything to do with what has happened to you." If I accept this, then I'm just picking out the nails I've already nailed in the coffin of the 338 lbs version of myself and letting her live. I can't do that and expect to be what I want to be in my life.

So onward I go. With that being said, stay motivated! We CAN DO THIS!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon on your 6 mile event and all you've achieved! Keep up the good work undoing and rewriting those 18.
    3019 days ago
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