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A new day, a new beginning....

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Hi again. I'm back, I think, I hope. The last year has been a nightmare for me. But I'm not sure what to say about all that. It's not an excuse for my weight...there's no excuse for that really...I know why I'm where I'm at. But there have been rumblings inside me lately. I've started to do the right things again, and remember why I did them to begin with.

I've realized that a couple of things went wrong for me here on Spark last time and I want to try to avoid those things this go round. The biggest one I think is that I became overwhelmed with the responsibility to others. By that I mean that I felt that I needed to respond to every comment, every blog, every challenge post, etc. I got burnt out and didn't have balance. So this time, I'll try to remember that I am here for me. I blog for me and ultimately I read and respond to other blogs FOR ME! Another is that many of the people with whom I had gotten close were having issues and struggling with a lot. Again, I became overwhelmed by not being able to "fix" things for others and shut down. This time I'm trying to be mindful that it's not my job to fix you, nor is it your job to fix me. (See what a good distraction it was for me to be a "good friend"...I wasn't working on me...what a sneaky disease I have!) The last one was that I got caught up with having to "have something to say" or have something positive to contribute. I was going through a pretty dark period emotionally and wasn't able to admit it or to process it here. One of my long-term struggles is clinical depression and this has been my pattern. I just shut off my life. I can't do this any more. Shutting down, disengaging, disappearing...all it has done is make me miserable and sick.

So...it's a new day. I want to start Spark like a newbie...with new goals, new energy and new hopes. I've put in my actual weight - 270...(and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself that it's 8 pounds from where I first started my journey in 2006...because it just doesn't matter...it's where I'm at right now.)

I'll be changing my pics and my other things to represent what's actually happening in the present. I'm working on being accepting and loving of who I am where I am in this present moment.

I appreciate all of your support and I want to support you on your Spark journey, but please understand, I'll be taking it slowly and working on moderation and balance.

Thank you to everyone who has never given up on me. I'm back and I'm ready to kick some butt!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So glad you are back. Please know that your are not alone. *hugs*
    1899 days ago
  • BECKYB73
    The only thing you need to do, is focus on YOU. The rest will fall into place. That's what I'm learning in Eating Disorder Recovery Land.
    1911 days ago
    emoticon we're here for you !
    1920 days ago
  • MAGPIE17
    I've been missing you, Bex. Less than 3, chickie. Lean on me when you need to. I'm right here.
    1928 days ago
  • ERINBEAR1876
    Becky!!! You know I am here for you. I, too, need to get my Spark back here. Geez. I love you!
    1929 days ago
    So happy to have you back. I can understand what you went through in some ways with regards to spark. Find what works for you my friend. HUGS!
    1930 days ago
    So glad to hear from you Becky! I'm starting over as well. Here's to 2013!
    1931 days ago
    Love you girl! Always here to support you!!!
    1931 days ago
    Happy that you are choosing to make yourself priority #1! Here's to moderation and balance!
    1931 days ago
    Good for you for realizing it! I have also felt very overwhelmed by the enormity of Spark at times. You have to be able to make it work for you and only you.
    I read lots of blogs, but I don't generally respond unless it touches me personally. You can't respond to everyone just for the sake of responding.
    I too am pretty much back at square one. But the point it... we're here :) Just keep coming back and I'll try to do that too!
    Good plan about changing your pics and stuff to represent where you are now. I'm going to take that advice and try to do the same.
    1931 days ago
    YAY!!!! Happy Day!!!! You are awesome. I'm right there with you. I put back on all of my weight. I finally said the other day that I am sick of living like this. It's great when you finally come to that state when you finally decide it's time to start living again. Good for you ! I'm here to help and support and do whatever I can to encourage your success!
    1931 days ago
    Welcome back Becks! I have found the private journal to be a great tool on here - I am able to get all my thoughts out without having to share them with anyone. I also had a really crappy year but I am working on a comeback. I'm here for you girl. xo
    1931 days ago
    Good Luck with the new start!
    I had a rubbish year last year too so wish you all the best for 2013.
    1931 days ago
    You know those people you don't really know, nor have really gotten close to - I dont' know how to say this right, but for some reason something in your blogs always speaks to me and I can oftentimes relate to a lot. I guess that's the reason I'm excited that you are here again.

    One thing I learned about my dark darks in my life is that there is usually an end at the tunnel where you see the light again, so there is always hope and reason to try to be positive.

    I'm really glad you're in a good place :-)

    Happy New Year!

    1931 days ago
    I hear ya! and I like it! I'm basically starting all over again as well. Just put in my new numbers, crunched them and tomorrow is DAY 1! Go get em!
    1931 days ago
    A lot of the reasons you struggled are mine as well. I completely understand. So proud of you for coming back!
    1931 days ago
    I'm so glad you are back. Baby steps........ hugs :)

    1931 days ago
    Woohoo! Atta girl!! Do it your way!!
    1931 days ago
    Love you so much Becky! You have all of my support, let's do this! Hugs
    1931 days ago
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