Thursday, January 10, 2013
at this point, I feel like I don't have any control over my life. I don't feel as though I matter, either. The last time I tried speaking to my partner about my depression, she ended up calling me selfish. My parents still don't have her cell phone number, that they have been asking for in case of emergencies.
I could go on and on, but: 1. I really am at a point where I don't feel like my thoughts and feelings about anything matter to anyone. 2. I find no point in going into great detail about all the things I think are failing when exactly the same thing will come of my expression as that comes of me telling my partner how I fell about anything (absolutely nothing, ..... absolutely, as much as telling all my woes to a wall)
I succeeded in quitting smoking over a year ago, but that is just about the last thing i have accomplished as a human being. I don't feel like i exist anymore. I just wish i had a friend left, but i lost most of them because I tried to be a good partner....
I used to write. I had notebooks and notebooks, and I burned a few of them, when it came time that I needed to let things go in my life. I wish I hadn't done that now, it almost feels like I disproved my own existence.
I even want to apologize to anyone who reads this because I feel like I am whining, and I feel like I have become one of those people (friends and family) that I used to tell to get out of their relationship because it was killing them.So, stuck. Feels like my only value is the dollars I put into things. Another christmas where I managed to conjure up a gift, and didn't even get a thank you for it.
so much i could write about, and this may not be the right forum but here it is.