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The F Word

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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Today is lucky day 13 of my current streak! emoticon

Last night I had a huge argument with hubby. We're both under stress now, and last night it just blew up. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said, and we regret them. The argument didn't last long, and we apologized before we went to bed. But some of the things he said really hurt me. Long after he was sound asleep and snoring, I was laying there awake, hearing his words over and over.

He used the F word...he called me fat.

Although I've been working hard since last March and have lost 71 lbs, I am still fat. I know when people look at me, they still see a fat woman. They don't see all the changes I've made in my llifestyle. They don't see how committed I am to working out and eating right. They just see my current body size, and thats ok. I'm not losing the weight and getting healthy in order to impress anyone. Not even my hubby. I'm doing this for ME, because I want to look better and feel better.

But hubby knows how hard I work. He sees me every day, doing my workouts, preparing my food and turning down the junk food that he eats. He sees the progress I've made...going from size 3X t shirts to size L. He's fully aware that I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and he knows all about my dreams for the future, when I am finally at my goal size. And he knows how much it hurts me to be called fat. Yet during our argument, thats exactly what he called me. Not just once, but several times. I wanted to cry, but I refused to give in to tears.

So after he was asleep, the argument and the F word played over and over in my head. And I started to think "What is there in the kitchen that I can eat?" Although most of the food I buy at the grocery store is healthy stuff, there ARE a few treats for my hubby and son. There's a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream. There are some Little Debbie cakes, and some chips. I laid there in bed, listening to hubby snore, and I kept thinking of that food, and of how comforting it would be to just go ahead and binge.

But thats the old me, the one who used food to bury my emotions. The old me who would binge, and then feel nothing but shame and remorse.

I'm not that person anymore, and I don't ever want to go back to being that person. So I didn't binge. I thought about making a cup of of tea, but to be honest I just didn't even trust myself to go into the kitchen! So instead of having a cup of tea, I took a bubble bath and read a few chapters of my book. And then I went back to bed.

This morning, I woke up still feeling hurt by hubby's words, but mostly I just felt proud of myself for staying strong and on track. Actually, hubby is the one who woke up with feelings of regret. He's ashamed of himself for calling me fat. But I forgive him. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me through thick and thin...literally! So he and I are just fine. And I am so happy that I didn't give in to a binge last night!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Well, I think that's what we do, we feel triggered, stressed, our 'pain body' as Eckhart Tolle calls it is 'active' and we say exactly the thing we know will hurt the other person most. We are not thinking but responding from a triggered place, from emotion. I'm thinking that something must have triggered your husband pretty badly so he stopped thinking. It'd be interesting perhaps to ask him what it was that triggered him so.

    You must be SO PROUD of yourself for handling it this way and taking your bath. WOOHOO!!! (I have NEVER said 'woohoo' to anyone since I came to SP - as a European I'm not much of a woohoo-er - but I think it's in order now!). :)
    1987 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/10/2013 2:38:35 PM
    Arguments are the worst because tensions are high, momentum gets going, and the urge to return the shot that was fired at you becomes all consuming. I also know how hard you worked to lose 71 lbs and still have people view you as overweight.

    I so glad you were able to avoid the binge. I'm also glad you and your honey made up and is still supporting your efforts to be healthier. You're very lucky, that he still says he's sorry for hurting you.

    I hope things causing your family stress get better this year.

    1987 days ago
    Pixie! You poor thing! Sometimes in anger we say to others the things we know will hurt them the most not what we truly belive or feel ... Good for you for not binging, staying out of the kichen, and relaxing with a bath and book ... good for you too for forgivin - that takes a strong person!

    1987 days ago
  • SAASHA17
    I will take the positibe in this...he apologized and bravo that u didnt give in and binge...I hate it when men do that...but then thats how some of them think..im glad u guys made up and all is well,..way to go on ur WL ...woohoo..

    1987 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    Oh sweetheart!! I'm so sorry you felt like that, but so proud of you that you stayed strong!!! One of my very good friends is like that, when he is mad and arguing he goes straight for the throat, even if he doesn't mean the hurtful things he says. I'm glad everything is okay now. It's good that you know him well enough to know that he doesn't mean what he says when the claws come out! emoticon emoticon
    1987 days ago
  • EDEL262
    Good for you staying on track. I think the should write in the marriage vows that the F-word is never to be used. I can only imagine how much that hurt. I would have killed my husband if he had said that to me. I know you say you have forgiven him for the use of that word, but it is going to be hard to forget it, but more importantly, YOU DID NOT BINGE LAST NIGHT. GOOD FOR YOU.
    1987 days ago
    I hope you know that the only reason why he said the "F" word is because you were winning. He knew you had the upper hand and he felt threatened and needed to hurt you back. He couldn't have meant. I mean, come on - you have gone from a 3XL to a L? He knows it's a huge part of your life and by undermining it he pushed just the right button.
    You are amazing. Your weight loss is amazing. I'm really glad you didn't binge. And Im really happy things are back to normal today with you and your hubby. Just dont let it get to you.
    1987 days ago
  • EKOSS88
    Very strong! I'm proud of you and I am glad that the hubby and you worked it out!
    1987 days ago
    Oh Pixie! I don't know whether I am more cross at your hubby being insensitive or more proud of you for not comfort eating! I hope one day that I can be as strong. (Next time I am in that position I will think of you and be inspired to follow your example!) Hopefully now that tempers are cooled he will realise how cruel his words are and never, ever say them again. I am sure in retrospect he is aghast at what he said knowing how hard you have worked.
    I love your attitude...
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1987 days ago
    Forgive is the F word to remember, not fat. emoticon
    1987 days ago
  • PHOENIX1217
    Thanks so much for sharing your private painful moment and how you got thru it. That took guts too. :) I know what you mean about not trusting yourself to even go in the kitchen. I had an exceptionally rough day at work and after coming home and having a healthy dinner I found myself in the kitchen later "looking" and after I had been in there a few minutes I stopped and realized what I was doing. I was "hunting" for a munchie. But I stopped myself just like you did and said, "No, that is the old me. The new me will go find read my book or better yet go exercise and burn off the stress" and that is what I did! I danced it away to Abba!

    So kudos to you for taking a bubble bath and reading your book and not giving in!!

    Glad you and hubby kissed and made up AGAIN. ;) Yeah to him too!! emoticon
    1987 days ago
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