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Hard, Hard Times= Massive Depression.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Well this is it. We have reached a new low in our families life. We are beyond broke. Our vehicle registration is due and we can't pay our bills this month. Things are really, really bad.

We have been living off the food left in the back of the freezer and pantry, but there isn't even enough to get through one more week, let alone another month. So, I went to a food bank for help. What a humbling experience that was. Tomorrow we pick up our food box and I will have to make whatever we get work for us for the coming weeks.

On top of it all, my back has taken a bad turn for the worse. I can't put any pressure on my heal, or the hernia in my spine spasms. So, I am left on the couch to heal. I am going to have to turn off the television because the food commercials are making me very hungry and upset. I plan to work on my painting tomorrow to pass the time on the couch.

I have been so depressed that I can't go buy some healthy foods. I have been throwing the diet out the window and I know that's only making things worse. As if my financial and health woes weren't bad enough, I had to defeat myself by allowing myself to slip down that slippery slope and eat everything in sight. I have had a frenzy of eating leftover Christmas cookies, candy, pie, snack mix, you name it. This has taken my depression to a whole new level.

Darkness is doing it's best to take over. I have struggled with depression since I was eight years old. Now I have had a very bad set of circumstances that have triggered my symptoms above and beyond anything I ever thought I would have to handle. I have been off medication for a long time and I am so afraid of having to go back on them. If it were not for my new fiance, I am quite sure that I would not have survived the last two years.

My sister's death this last Fall has me in such a horrible funk. She gave up on life and hung herself in my old bedroom closet. My mother died in 2008 and now that my sister is gone, I am having a very hard time just getting out of bed. My sister died so horribly and I can't stop obsessing over the details. I still obsess over my mother's death and the fight I had with my parents just before the accident that she died in.

Then there's my break up with the father of my child two years ago. I never really dealt with the break-up on an emotional level when it happened. I had this new great love in my life, so I just buried the pain of it all. The problem with that is that now the things he did and said keep coming to the surface in my mind. It has me so angry all of the sudden. Who knows what I can do about it.

My son was borne premature weighing two pounds, thirteen ounces. He had multiple health issues and his father blamed me. He was a major alcoholic and told me that what happened to my son was my fault because of my body. (I was about sixty pounds overweight.) I was a stay at home mother for ten years as I struggled to get my kid healthy. It worked, he's totally healthy now but all at once I was on my own financially with an eight year old kid. We weren't married so there was no alimony for me.

I went to work and a year later got hurt on the job by a faulty machine. I am at the end of a long legal battle. I may end up with enough money to get by for about a year. I am not eligible for disability until after all settlement money is paid, and I don't qualify for unemployment because I am "Not able to be hired by an employer". To top it all off, my ex just stopped paying child support. I now have absolutely no money coming in. I can't pay my bills and soon I won't be able to drive because I have no insurance or up-to-date registration.

My fiance has taken over the finances, but he is still a full-time student. I feel so bad. He is so great to take on the roll of husband and father, but the guilt is eating me alive. My worker's comp. payments ended in October and we have depleted our savings over the last few months. My fiance has a new job. He is doing accounting work, specifically taxes. The problems is, the government has left most people unable to do their taxes. His hours were cut- to zero! Add to that he used the last of his money to pay fifteen hundred dollars to repair our only family vehicle. We struggled through the holidays. I feel like ever since he has met me I have been nothing but a drain on him and he would be better off without me. He is a saint to constantly pick me up and get me together day after day.

So I am having a hard time to say the least. My weight loss efforts re not a huge priority right now. I just wish that I would have at least paid more attention to my portion sizes. I may not be able to buy great healthy food, but I could have kept the calories in check. I will feel a lot better when I make that happen. I just need to keep trying no matter how much I want to give up. I have a healthy child and a great fiance who I love more than words can say. I am blessed! I need to pull myself together now and do what I can do to make things better for all of us, one step at a time (as my man would say.)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I agree and honestly, I am a very optimistic person in life. That's kind of why I wrote all my frustrations and sad thoughts in a blog. I have been trying to focus on the good things for months, but now the bad has caught up to me and the harder I try to shake it off, the more depressed and shaky I am getting. I am mad at myself for feeling so damn sorry for myself, if that makes any sense. So I said- to hell with it. I am going to honor my feelings, even if they are bad ones so I can move on. Maybe this isn't the right place for it, but I didn't want my heartbreak to spill out on to others around me when we are all struggling. There are so many things happening all at once. What I mentioned above is the tip of the ice berg. It's a little unrealistic to think we can force ourselves to focus on the good all of the time. At some point, you have to face the bad, and when you struggle with severe depression, everyone around you is expecting you to simply get over it. I also expect this of myself and when I don't, I spiral out of control. I know you mean well, and I appreciate the constructive criticism. I will focus on the good things in my life. My son, for example, is well now. It took eight painful surgeries to get him healthy and he spent five weeks in intensive care with two heart surgeries and an overdose of morphine. You can't "let it out there" in that moment, so you snuff out the pain until you can go somewhere safe and let it all out later. I suppose that's what I was doing. The fact that I am publicly blamed by his father because of my weight seemed significant to my journey here. Now that it's off my chest, I can go back to my son with a big smile and a heart filled with gratitude. He made it. We saw others who did not. Believe me, I do not always dwell on the bad. I am extremely grateful that he is here and he is such a big part of our lives. I am just babbling now. Sorry if I get defensive, and I thank you for your encouragement. I can focus on the bright side now that I had my rant and I really do appreciate your advice. emoticon
    1986 days ago
  • JASI27
    You need to start focusing on the good in your life and not dwelling so much on the bad. We all have good and bad in our lives and when we allow ourselves to get sucked up in all the bad there is no way to not be depressed. You need to find books and movies to inspire you and change how you feel about yourself and your life. There is always good and that is what you need to focus on. Changing this focus to positive will make more of a difference than you think! Just try it.
    1986 days ago
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