Forget losing weight, I need to gain control.

I’m so tired of feeling out of control. I have always been the perfectionist type and an A-type personality. I’ve been extremely independent my entire life. That is, until my physical disorders became overwhelming. I don’t have a lot of friends and my family, for the most part, causes way more damage than any kind of support. The few friends I have become overwhelmed with my condition as well, which leaves me coping pretty much on my own.

In February of 2009 I was coming out of an abusive relationship and felt just as alone. I had recently developed diabetes from a medication and was prepping for a major surgery. I was running out of options (medically) and fearful I wouldn’t be able to accomplish my dreams I’d been working so hard on. I found Sparkpeople and fell in love. It provided me a path to regain my independence. When I’m on track, I feel in control, at least partial control.

My health has steadily declined from that time period. I’m now sicker than ever and with even fewer options. I’ve been working so hard to keep my depression at bay, but this situation is destroying me. I have no money, no energy, no health. I can barely do anything, literally. My doctors are overwhelmed with all my symptoms and no one wants to commit to my case; they all keep pointing to another specialist. It breaks my heart to be this worthless. I can’t even take care of myself and my situation is so intense that other people have a hard time being in my life. From having a job and a social life, to ever being able to have kids…. It’s all gone due to my poor health.

I can visualize how good I felt when I was SParking regularly and I don’t mean the weight loss (although that was amazing as well). I’m talking about how good it feels to have a goal, work towards it and achieve! To resuscitate my self-esteem and, albeit incrementally, feel worthy of being thin and happy. I remember how the sun shined on my face, but I feel like I’m at the bottom of the biggest well and drowning. I feel so helpless and hopeless and I hate it. I wish I could just hop back on track and all be hunkie-dorey.

So I am back on here. My main goal is actually to GAIN control over my life. The secondary benefit being to hopefully lose weight and improve my health. I need to dedicate myself to the program and community again – I need it now more than ever. I’m debating on wiping my entire account clean to feel a fresh start, but I’m not sure. I’m so scared of failing; things are incredibly difficult for me. I can’t do 1/10th of what I used to and it’s poorly done at that. And having no options just makes the stakes feel higher, as opposed to giving me more motivation.
My diabetes, which I resolved on my first SPark success, is now back and worse than ever. I’m tired of doctors blaming my weight for everything and I need some positive vibes in my life. I hate hating myself. I’ve worked so hard, through so many obstacles, it’s not fair to feel so awful about myself. My disease has taken away too much already, I won’t give it my happiness.

I also had one of those “aha” moments when I saw this atrocity of a photo. I had been fooling myself pretty good until I saw this: