Someone told me I'm not sexy anymore
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Yes. It finally happened. Someone criticized my weight loss. I can only laugh because I've read so many blogs and message board posts from other sparkies whose loved ones and significant others have tried to hinder their progress but thus far I've experienced little discouragement.
Until last night.
So there we are sitting on my couch, me and two of my male friends, getting ready to go out for a drink. We will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both are married and I've been close to them since high school. Thing 1 hasn't seen me since August so as soon as he sits down, he just stares at me for a moment. Then he says:
"Have you still been going to the gym a lot?"
"Yes, I have. A lot."
"I can tell because your boobs are getting smaller. They are small."
Thing 2 bursts out laughing. I burst out laughing. And I say "What? You are ridiculous."
Some background and context here. In March, Thing 1 and I had a serious conversation about body image and what is and is not sexy. He said it wasn't about weight but the way you carry yourself. Then he proceeded to say that he prefers larger women and that he finds me extremely attractive. This was not a ploy to get into my pants. It's not that kind of a relationship and he's faithful to his wife. My point is, he thinks larger women are sexy.
So all last night, the conversation kept coming back to my weight loss and I told him that I actually felt better about myself and felt more sexy now than before I lost the weight. He jokes that I need to stop working out and tells me that I can't just think I'm sexy, I have to look sexy too. Then he said forget it. The more I talk, the more I sound like an a**hole.
I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Yes, he was being a jerk but his intention really was not to make me feel bad. He was just expressing his honest opinion. This just proved to me more than ever that this weight-loss journey for me and everyone cannot be a crazy ploy to reach some ideal weight set by society because someone, no matter your weight, will find you attractive. Instead, it has to be about getting to a place where you feel good.
I remember MIDNIGHTER1 once asked me why I was doing this. What is my motivation? I think about that all the time. My reasons have changed over time and are still evolving. There are days I go into autopilot eating right and working out. I don't even think about why I'm doing it. It's just become habit. But I'm sometimes faced with those moments where I want to give up. And it's in those times when I have to really remind myself why I'm here.
Of course, in the beginning part of my motivation was so I could look smokin' hot, but I quickly came to realize it had to be deeper than that. Living longer is probably a good motivation but I don't find it very motivating because, well, none of us know when it's our time to go. It's very arbitrary for me.
Instead I'm inspired by the little things. Shopping in regular size clothes. Sitting more comfortably in a chair. Having more energy. Fitting back into my favorite pants. Going to an amusement park and fitting in the rides. Sitting at a movie theater and not spilling over into the seat next to me. Getting off the floor with ease. No more hurting knees. Climbing a flight of stairs without breathing hard. I could go on and on.
I was really afraid of losing my curves and not being sexy anymore when I first started this. I even wrote a blog about it. But I left that behind because I realized along this journey that sexy and beautiful come from the inside out. Not just that you are a good person but how you feel about yourself, good or bad, will always shine through. Loving yourself is the most attractive thing you could ever do. I'm coming to understand that and enjoying life just a little more every day.
If I was doing this just for looks, those comments from Thing 1 would have totally derailed me. But they didn't. They just made me realize it's all relative and I'm not doing this for anyone's acceptance. I'm totally doing this for me because I love myself and I deserve this.
And that, my friends, is a very empowering thing.