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Someone told me I'm not sexy anymore

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Yes. It finally happened. Someone criticized my weight loss. I can only laugh because I've read so many blogs and message board posts from other sparkies whose loved ones and significant others have tried to hinder their progress but thus far I've experienced little discouragement.

Until last night.

So there we are sitting on my couch, me and two of my male friends, getting ready to go out for a drink. We will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both are married and I've been close to them since high school. Thing 1 hasn't seen me since August so as soon as he sits down, he just stares at me for a moment. Then he says:

"Have you still been going to the gym a lot?"

"Yes, I have. A lot."

"I can tell because your boobs are getting smaller. They are small."

Thing 2 bursts out laughing. I burst out laughing. And I say "What? You are ridiculous."

Some background and context here. In March, Thing 1 and I had a serious conversation about body image and what is and is not sexy. He said it wasn't about weight but the way you carry yourself. Then he proceeded to say that he prefers larger women and that he finds me extremely attractive. This was not a ploy to get into my pants. It's not that kind of a relationship and he's faithful to his wife. My point is, he thinks larger women are sexy.

So all last night, the conversation kept coming back to my weight loss and I told him that I actually felt better about myself and felt more sexy now than before I lost the weight. He jokes that I need to stop working out and tells me that I can't just think I'm sexy, I have to look sexy too. Then he said forget it. The more I talk, the more I sound like an a**hole.

I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Yes, he was being a jerk but his intention really was not to make me feel bad. He was just expressing his honest opinion. This just proved to me more than ever that this weight-loss journey for me and everyone cannot be a crazy ploy to reach some ideal weight set by society because someone, no matter your weight, will find you attractive. Instead, it has to be about getting to a place where you feel good.

I remember MIDNIGHTER1 once asked me why I was doing this. What is my motivation? I think about that all the time. My reasons have changed over time and are still evolving. There are days I go into autopilot eating right and working out. I don't even think about why I'm doing it. It's just become habit. But I'm sometimes faced with those moments where I want to give up. And it's in those times when I have to really remind myself why I'm here.

Of course, in the beginning part of my motivation was so I could look smokin' hot, but I quickly came to realize it had to be deeper than that. Living longer is probably a good motivation but I don't find it very motivating because, well, none of us know when it's our time to go. It's very arbitrary for me.

Instead I'm inspired by the little things. Shopping in regular size clothes. Sitting more comfortably in a chair. Having more energy. Fitting back into my favorite pants. Going to an amusement park and fitting in the rides. Sitting at a movie theater and not spilling over into the seat next to me. Getting off the floor with ease. No more hurting knees. Climbing a flight of stairs without breathing hard. I could go on and on.

I was really afraid of losing my curves and not being sexy anymore when I first started this. I even wrote a blog about it. But I left that behind because I realized along this journey that sexy and beautiful come from the inside out. Not just that you are a good person but how you feel about yourself, good or bad, will always shine through. Loving yourself is the most attractive thing you could ever do. I'm coming to understand that and enjoying life just a little more every day.

If I was doing this just for looks, those comments from Thing 1 would have totally derailed me. But they didn't. They just made me realize it's all relative and I'm not doing this for anyone's acceptance. I'm totally doing this for me because I love myself and I deserve this.

And that, my friends, is a very empowering thing.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow. You have SUCH a healthy outlook on all this. A conversation like that would have sent me into a tailspin of insecurity and hurt feelings. I'm so glad you're so confident in what you want that you don't feel bad when others criticize you! Thank you for being such a good role model! :)

    2275 days ago
    I didn't want boobs from day one... Mine are a 36F, so they've caused a major obstacle in expressing myself as the male I identify as. On the flipside, I wouldn't know what to do without my boobs, or even with average or small sized ones. Even when I was bulimic and 14 years old, I only shrunk down to a D or DD cup.

    Anyway, the point I'll eventually make is this: Everything has ups and downs, and kudos for being true to yourself and your goals. Feeling good about you really IS the sexiest thing you can do; the second sexiest thing in my opinion, is knowing what you want and doing your best to EARN it.
    2277 days ago
    It's great that you have male friends who you can be so open and honest with. I wish I did! And it's also nice to see that there are definitely men out there who appreciate larger women! BUT, you are definitely motivated to lose weight by the right reasons, and you are so right: sexiness starts from within. And you should love yourself, and you DO deserve this! And honestly, I think you are so beautiful you could be sexy at any weight. You have a definite glow about you that transcends mere size!

    As an aside, however, I really miss my boobs. They're getting smaller and smaller, and although I wouldn't trade my weight loss for bigger boobs, I just wish that I could lose some more weight from my more troublesome areas before losing it from my chest, lol!
    2289 days ago
    Oh thank god you saw the humor in this. Doing for you is an empowering thing... and there is nothing more sexy than a powerful person!
    2292 days ago
    You are so right Laney...I was saying it in my head before I read it toward the end of your blog. You are sexy from the inside, from your shining personality. When you laugh, your sense of humor, etc. And you are pretty no matter what size you are! Sometimes we can be healthy without being as skinny as a rail! You do have curves, & they will be there when you lose the weight too! And no one needs big boobs- I know how it feels ...they kill my back! emoticon I cannot wait to be back to my smaller ones!! Of course they will be the last to lose the fat.... emoticon Always has been that way! And of course the belly/abdominal area-hard to lose as fast! I don't know how those skinny women, like celebrities have breast enhancements like Pam Anderson and not feel miserable! Yikes!
    I am with you...cannot wait to do all those things you listed, like going to an amusement park and fitting in the rides. I went shopping for smaller clothes the other day and was disgusted with the plus size fashion. When you go to the department of Misses to juniors-what a difference in colors & style-so much nicer!!! Why do they punish us big women with dark tents with no shape?! Grrrrrrr
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    P.S. Thanks for stopping by and for your nice comments!! emoticon
    2294 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/8/2013 10:33:55 PM
    Great blog! emoticon and let the hatin' be your motivation emoticon
    2294 days ago
    Wow, I'm totally rock! Way to go! emoticon
    2294 days ago
    Yeah-- and I have people who are not doing things to work on their health criticize my choices. I am always stumped about how to respond-- so I try not to.
    2295 days ago
    I can relate to the breast comments. Mine came from my very best friend in the world. I know she didn't mean any harm, but it hurt a little coming from her. I don't even know why she said it. I let it go though because I am a lot healthier than she is. She gets mad when I am there and don't eat something she cooked. I tell her if I want to be a skinnier healthier me I cannot eat the things I used to. I think I might have hurt her feelings too because I made a comment about not wanting to be a fatty anymore. She has put on a lot of weight and hates it, she starts and then quits when it gets hard or she has some sore muscles or just wants to eat what she wants to eat! I cannot help her until she wants to help herself!

    I wish she was at the same place as you! You ROCK! Your attitude is AWESOME! I love where your mind is at and the fact that thing 1 did not derail you with his comments is a very big step and change! WAY TO GO! I am so happy for you and proud of you! You have listed some GREAT accomplishments up there and that is so SEXY!!
    2295 days ago
  • TERRI289
    Great blog....

    Lovely to see such positive thoughts all written out!! Thank you!! emoticon
    2295 days ago
    I love this! You are awesome!!!!
    2295 days ago
    My ring tone is"I'm sexy and I know it" Key word "I" I told my wife my phone had to be sexy. I feel sexy ( strange for a guy) but I know I am.So...........................> Feeling confident is sexy. I am sure when you accomplish something,you feel sexy because you are working towards that goal. Your friends are a couple of "Boobs." ( Not intending to be mean,they are your friends)
    emoticon " NOW HEAR THIS,LET NOTHING. AND i MEAN NOTHING.DERAIL WHAT YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH." Not negative comments,lack of acknowledgement of what you are doing.Nothing is stopping this train. They can get on board or get off at the next stop. Because you have a destination that" YOU" want to get to.
    All of your personal goals are great.You are doing this for you. Now go get it done. To heck with the rest.
    2295 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/7/2013 4:33:14 PM
    It's great that you have friends that you can have honest conversations. I don't necessarily think your friend was trying to sabotauge you. Sometimes, friends fear that someone may take a habit too far. (I've watched for decades as my niece stuggles with borderline anorexia and watched as a friend crossed the line from a woman who loved to work out to a woman who only think about caloric balances and workouts.)

    I also think that we each decide what we think is sexy. Some peopel find extreme curves sexy, others like super-skinny. SOme people like athletic build.

    it's great that you are deciding for you what you like.
    2295 days ago
    You GO, girl!!!
    2295 days ago
    Uh, in MY opinion (which i highly respect emoticon ) THIS is what is SEXY:

    emoticon Shopping in regular size clothes
    emoticon Sitting more comfortably in a chair
    emoticon Having more energy
    emoticon Fitting back into your favorite pants
    emoticon Fitting into amusement park rides
    emoticon Fitting into movie theater seats and not spilling over into the next seat
    emoticon Getting off the floor with ease
    emoticon No more hurting knees
    emoticon Climbing a flight of stairs without breathing hard

    I'm just sayin'. emoticon Rock on sister!
    2295 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    Very true, our motivation has to be ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. I really believe that if I don't feel good about myself that nothing else matters.

    It is good though to have male friends to discuss things with and I don't think he meant any harm. He likes bigger girls and that too is his personal choice.

    Well done on feeling good about yourself!
    2295 days ago
    I am glad that you can be like that with your friends and that you are doing this for the right reasons. You are sexy as long as that is how you are to yourself.
    2295 days ago
    On the one hand, I would love to lose some boobs-- mine are ridiculous.
    On the other hand-- I actually am not sure about my body image without my ridiculous boobs-- they have basically defined my self-image since I was in 5th grade and got my first bra-- a C-cup.
    But I suppose I can cross that bridge when I come to it-- I have actually been relatively thin from time to time in my life, and I have NEVER lost any off of my chest yet.
    Mixed Blessing.

    But on to the Blog Response--
    I agree that the motivation has to come from a desire to feel better in our own skin. I have never had problems finding people who found me attractive-- at any size. but yes, climbing a flight of stairs and feeling winded makes me feel icky and uncomfortable. That is why I am here.

    Good for you for keeping your cool in the face of (light, friendly) criticism.
    And he is partly right-- you were smoking hot already. He was just incorrect not to see that you are even better and stronger and braver and tougher (and smokin' hotter) now.

    2296 days ago
    I have to agree! I'd rather be healthy than chesty.

    2296 days ago
  • WANDAC2013
    Awesome attitude!!!
    2296 days ago
    Great blog! I'd rather be healthy than worry about the size of my boobs (totally flat chested and back to an A-cup here after weight loss, oh well). I hope your friend can start to see why you're doing this and cheer you on even if your boobs disappear.

    2296 days ago
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