The Voice Inside My Head
Sunday, January 06, 2013
The voice inside my head is an evil bitch. She's been there as long as I can remember. There are times I don't hear from her for a while, and then it's almost like a switch is turned on, and she appears.
I know because I've lost so much weight and accomplished so many things that many people think I don't struggle. They tell me I make it look easy. If only they knew. It's a hard battle, and there are some days I am not strong. Sometimes I am amazed when people tell me I am strong or amazing, because I often feel weak. There are days I can't shut that voice up and I spend the whole day in a funk because I can't stop listening to her.
Today is one of those days.
I woke up feeling good because I got a good night's sleep. I have insomnia and sometimes for weeks I barely sleep at night. This can affect my moods a lot and of course, my weight loss. I am on anti-anxiety medicine now, but I don't feel it's helping very much. I get maybe 4-5 hours of sleep where I toss and turn. So, falling asleep last night before 11 and sleeping till almost 8 this morning was awesome. I got up and figured I'd do my long run of 5 miles and come home and have breakfast and spend a nice day with my family before my husband had to go to work. I weighed myself just knowing I'd be under 180. I was down to 177 back in October and then I gained a couple pounds and then I was back down, and then at Christmas I gained a couple pounds. I've been determined to get it off the last couple weeks and my weight was staying steady at like 180-181 most days. This whole week I tracked my food and stayed under my calories and I worked out every single day. So when I got on the scale and saw 182.4 I could not believe it. How in the hell did I gain weight this week?
This upset me so much. Normally if I have small gain, I know it's coming. I know it's because I ate too many sugar cookies or something, and I know a few days of being strict with calories in addition to my workouts will take it off. I didn't expect this, and I got very upset. I cried and sat at my desk. For a minute I thought about skipping my run, but I was determined to do it, so I got dressed. I sat there and cried some more, and the voice started saying things to me. "Why do you bother? You'll never be thin no matter how hard you work. You will never be able to eat like an average person. You work so hard and you're STILL FAT. No one understands how hard this is and I bet when they say you look good they are just saying it to be nice."
My husband saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I'd somehow gained 2 pounds. He said not to let it bother me, that it didn't matter and I look great. Well, it matters to me. I know it's not supposed to, and I know I am supposed to be happy about all I have accomplished, and I am, but I feel like I am failing because I am still so heavy. I am only 5'5" and I weigh 182 pounds. I am sick and tired of being fat. I have been fat my entire life. I don't know what it's like to live life as a person who isn't fat, and I am so sick of it. It's almost like because I have lost so much weight that people think I have no reason to complain anymore. I realize I am not as big as I was, but I am still overweight. It sucks. I don't know another way to describe it.
I've been in such a funk that I basically hibernated in the bedroom. I still went for my run of 5 miles, but it felt hard because I would start crying in the middle of running and couldn't breathe. When I got back home, I didn't want anyone to see me upset. I didn't even eat today until 2:30, and I never skip breakfast. I didn't even have an appetite. It's hard for me to be positive on days like this. Sometimes I am tired of working so hard and still hating how I look. There are times I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied with how I look. I know my body is ruined from being so overweight for so long. The skin hangs like it would on a very old woman, so while I look OK in clothes that hide it, I feel like my options are still limited and I can't wear what I want to because you can see the unevenness of the skin on my stomach and how it hangs. I don't expect to have the body of a supermodel, but I would like to at least look normal, or average.
Sorry I am such a downer with this blog, but I am a real person. I am not perfect and don't pretend to be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.