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The Voice Inside My Head

Sunday, January 06, 2013

The voice inside my head is an evil bitch. She's been there as long as I can remember. There are times I don't hear from her for a while, and then it's almost like a switch is turned on, and she appears.

I know because I've lost so much weight and accomplished so many things that many people think I don't struggle. They tell me I make it look easy. If only they knew. It's a hard battle, and there are some days I am not strong. Sometimes I am amazed when people tell me I am strong or amazing, because I often feel weak. There are days I can't shut that voice up and I spend the whole day in a funk because I can't stop listening to her.

Today is one of those days.

I woke up feeling good because I got a good night's sleep. I have insomnia and sometimes for weeks I barely sleep at night. This can affect my moods a lot and of course, my weight loss. I am on anti-anxiety medicine now, but I don't feel it's helping very much. I get maybe 4-5 hours of sleep where I toss and turn. So, falling asleep last night before 11 and sleeping till almost 8 this morning was awesome. I got up and figured I'd do my long run of 5 miles and come home and have breakfast and spend a nice day with my family before my husband had to go to work. I weighed myself just knowing I'd be under 180. I was down to 177 back in October and then I gained a couple pounds and then I was back down, and then at Christmas I gained a couple pounds. I've been determined to get it off the last couple weeks and my weight was staying steady at like 180-181 most days. This whole week I tracked my food and stayed under my calories and I worked out every single day. So when I got on the scale and saw 182.4 I could not believe it. How in the hell did I gain weight this week?

This upset me so much. Normally if I have small gain, I know it's coming. I know it's because I ate too many sugar cookies or something, and I know a few days of being strict with calories in addition to my workouts will take it off. I didn't expect this, and I got very upset. I cried and sat at my desk. For a minute I thought about skipping my run, but I was determined to do it, so I got dressed. I sat there and cried some more, and the voice started saying things to me. "Why do you bother? You'll never be thin no matter how hard you work. You will never be able to eat like an average person. You work so hard and you're STILL FAT. No one understands how hard this is and I bet when they say you look good they are just saying it to be nice."

My husband saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I'd somehow gained 2 pounds. He said not to let it bother me, that it didn't matter and I look great. Well, it matters to me. I know it's not supposed to, and I know I am supposed to be happy about all I have accomplished, and I am, but I feel like I am failing because I am still so heavy. I am only 5'5" and I weigh 182 pounds. I am sick and tired of being fat. I have been fat my entire life. I don't know what it's like to live life as a person who isn't fat, and I am so sick of it. It's almost like because I have lost so much weight that people think I have no reason to complain anymore. I realize I am not as big as I was, but I am still overweight. It sucks. I don't know another way to describe it.

I've been in such a funk that I basically hibernated in the bedroom. I still went for my run of 5 miles, but it felt hard because I would start crying in the middle of running and couldn't breathe. When I got back home, I didn't want anyone to see me upset. I didn't even eat today until 2:30, and I never skip breakfast. I didn't even have an appetite. It's hard for me to be positive on days like this. Sometimes I am tired of working so hard and still hating how I look. There are times I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied with how I look. I know my body is ruined from being so overweight for so long. The skin hangs like it would on a very old woman, so while I look OK in clothes that hide it, I feel like my options are still limited and I can't wear what I want to because you can see the unevenness of the skin on my stomach and how it hangs. I don't expect to have the body of a supermodel, but I would like to at least look normal, or average.

Sorry I am such a downer with this blog, but I am a real person. I am not perfect and don't pretend to be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Give yourself and your body a break. I love your opening line, because it's so true! NO ONE can be harder on us than we are on ourselves. Take a deep breath. Regroup. You KNOW that this could be stress, water weight, or something else. The scale is fickle.
    2134 days ago
    emoticon emoticon You talked about being on antianxiety medication!
    Have you been on it long? You should know that one of the side effects is weight gain.
    I know because I went through it.

    It's normal to feel discouraged about how our body looks because we've made to believe that once we lose the weight, we will look like a 20 year old that 's never had a weight problem, and when we realize it's not true, we have to mourn the loss of that dream.
    And please don't be too hard on your family. If they've never had a weight problem, they really can't understand.
    Just like I can't understand being addicted to drugs-I know we talk about being addicted to food,but I still don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs no matter how bad my food addiction gets.
    Hope you get over your funk quickly!
    Keep up the good work! emoticon
    2134 days ago
    Elizabeth.... you are not alone. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2137 days ago
  • MARTY728
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2138 days ago
    As said by others, this is something that I can completely identify with. Celebrate the small victories, like doing your run despite your funk :) Tomorrow will be a better day
    2138 days ago
    You know what? THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It's just a crappy day with old crappy bitch voice bringing you down sister. You do this for you, you run for you and all your accomplishments have been a beautiful gift to yourself. Try not to minimize any of it because what you have done is REALLY hard! From a different perspective, two pounds is nothing, really. It will be off again and you will move forward. It's just that well, sucked. Thank God we get a tomorrow:)
    2139 days ago
    Everyone has these days. I think that many of us are so grateful, l and admire you so much because you actually share your thoughts....the good, the bad and yes even the ugly days!! There are 101 reasons for 2lbs. Remember what you have accomplished and just keep doing what you've been doing along this journey. Tomorrow will be a better day.
    2139 days ago
  • MAWDOT35
    Everyone has days like this! Just because you have done so well and lost so much doesn't mean you can't feel like this once in a while. I don't know what your goal weight is, but I'm sure you will reach it if you keep up the good habits you have learned. After that, I hope you will find a way to have the excess skin removed. Then you will be a new woman! Keep moving forward!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2139 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/6/2013 6:32:06 PM
    I'm sorry. emoticon emoticon
    2139 days ago
    Oh Elizabeth *BIG HUGS*... I'm not going to tell you to be kind to yourself. I'm not going to tell you tomorrow is another day. I COMPLETELY understand EVERY thought that was in your head today. We are living very similar lives right now. After all we've done, the scale shouldn't have this much power, but it DOES. We've been through so many ups and downs, it shouldn't affect us as much as it does... honestly, it's just another up swing, sure to be followed by a downward one. I KNOW how much this sucks, and I applaud you for going for that run. *I* just continue to eat. I've been in a funk for over a month, and I keep eating, because THAT will make it better... I haven't been on the scale, I don't want to get on the scale... Just know this... YOU have done an AMAZING job. YOU have completely changed your life. YOU have every right to have bad days. And YOU are still and inspiration to me and countless others on this sight. We are all here for you because we love and care about you. Today is just another day on this roller coaster of a journey, try to take it with a grain of salt... not a pound of chocolate. Love you girl.
    2139 days ago
    Please don't be so hard on yourself. You've accomplished so much!!!! So you and I both still have a way to go to get to our goal weights. We will. Celebrate your successes and not your defeats. The two lbs probably isn't even a real gain. Wear your skin proudly (mine is loose too) and know that it may also shrink a bit in time. But you will be healthy. Many skinnies are not. I'm proud of you. I hope when this funk passes, you will be too!
    2139 days ago
  • LRB444
    I hope your day gets better.
    2139 days ago
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