Deep blog into my past 1-5-13
Saturday, January 05, 2013
When your like me who grew up a bit unstable, sometimes when both parents out of the house, many siblings, and no food control---- or another scenario where food addiction has its firm grasp in your upbringing... then you may just relate to what I am about to say.
I am a food addict. No I dont rummage the fridge 24/7 only peering out to see whose gonna steal my food, all the while having pudding and whipped cream dropping off my cheeks, Im just very familiar with how food and I are like magnets and how I have deemed myself the title.
I love food way too much.
After years of torment, mainly unstable household with both parents gone, moving back and forth, nobody to ask questions to, my older sister who was like 6-7 years old making me hamburgers on the stove one time (yes) I am still in amazement! I grew attatched to food making me feel better. (My Mom is in my life well now, and I am not angry with her at all, she did so much for me growing past my issues), but growing up she was either chasing a man, or working, so me and my siblings were like always there, being tormented by eachother. Before my younger siblings were born, Many times I was left alone with my much older grandpa, and GREAT Grandma, who couldnt play with me, black and white tv's that had absolutely no shows on, and nobody to console me but a dog or 2. I still hate Sundays til this day in my 30's becuase of how bad it was, waiting hours for my Mom to pick me up, and never showing up, which led to self esteem issues thinking nobody loved me. Ive even had to get ready for Kindergarden by myself at times, using a dog brush to comb my hair because I couldnt find mine. All in all, this is where my issues started.
I can go into great detail that will probably make you cry, but I am working past that.
When growing older 8-12 I was the chubby sibling, I was the ugly sibling with hairy arms, and a light girlie mustache which was normal for people as fabulous as I, lol, dark colored, so automatically, fat hairy was the best names I heard so young but often, even my sisters.
Them middle school and high school hit. I was lost. I would bounce back from merit roll & honor roll, to flunking every single class, to never going to school for months & switching high schools because somehow I turned into a troubled kid for a short time, and started getting honor roll again, and then somehow I dropped out of high school my senior year! Who does that? me, because I hated the torture. I tried going back, but they ended up deducting credits from me saying I took double classes! Thats their job and their fault, not mine.
ANYHOO, I was totally lost, scared to work, I put myself in predicaments that assure me a place to live. I know that sounds rough, but I have also become pretty honest after so many things I have been through.
I still am scared to work, not just scared, I just don't think I can unless its something I built from the ground, or its through a family member. I am just very sensitive to that. I cant get up early like most, but I can get a job done better than imagined or told to. I am thorough. I think many people are like me, Its not lazy, it has to do with other stuff, but we are just as hard workers, if not better, than you can think.
So, after living with many aunts and best friends, at the age of 18 & 19 I moved in with my mom in a temporary trailer she had with my bro & sis. I was far from my friends, lost still to what I wanted to do with my life, and couldnt figure out why I was so scared to go out anywhere. All the while my weight crept up to over 250lbs at age 18 and so forth.
Then this guy that my Aunt dated, and whom Ive known for years, who was currently in prison, (yes I can hear you now) we started writing because inside I somehow knew he wasnt judgemental, he was like a kid @ heart, very down to earth and because he had a troubled life like I, he understood. Well after over a year of writing, I became very close to him. I figured him and my aunt were not sexually active, nor did he really care for her, but the fact that in every way they were not a couple, they were just crutches for eachother was clearly something I didnt feel bad stepping in the middle of. But after the past I have lived first hand, I wanted to know someone that I let my barriers down with... and I went.
I told my mom, she was mad, but I picked him up from prison, and started a new life. It was very different, unstable yet again. Although this guy was a great person inside, he also had an addiction, to drugs, so soon I was led into a path of fighting hi about doing drugs, to I couldn't take it no more and let him talk me into doing it. That was my mistake becuase the rest of my family disagreed with my choice, and I pretty much felt like I was in battle on my own. Once again.
I let the drugs take over, I had no control. Some of it I liked. Mainly the numb feeling. I shot, smoked, snorted, swallowed drugs. Then I ran out of money and
soon realized what my first withdrawl symptom was. "OMG, no freaking way would I wish that on my worst enemy." Thats all I keep saying to myself... so one day after all my stuff was sold, and my bank was depleted, and I had nobody to turn to, just so sick, I said Ok, I will be back. and Somehow thats when I started prostituting as you would call it. It was that easy. I just walked outside onto the main street of Cleveland.
As you may not want to imagine this of me, BUT KEEP IN MIND, THIS PERSON WHO WAS DOING ALL THIS WAS IN A DENSE FOG, A MIND TRAP, AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON MOST OF THE TIME. People who know someone in a drug addicted life, should be aware that the drugs are making them behave the way they do, its not them or who they are inside. Trust me. Drugs are very powerful, so much that I was never going to quit unless i was locked up against my will.
AND I LOST WEIGHT THE BAD WAY. i WEIGHED 145LBS FOR A BLUR IN MY LIFE, AND I COULDNT EVEN ENJOY IT BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY DOING DRUGS. ISNT THAT SAD?
And thats what happened, many times I was locked up, arrested, put on probation, etc. Until I made the realization of what was really happening was because of my choices. It wasnt jail or the judges who were the bad guys, it was me. DUH. After getting send to treatment for the 2nd time, I did it right, and was happy. I started opening up about my painful pasts, my issues, my codependency to people, etc. It didnt fix everything, but I have been away from the hard drugs like heroin and crack for ...... ummmmmm....
8 years and 7 months...
During that time, I got closer with my family, my mom did a lot to show support.
I knew I couldnt get clean with the guy I ran off with, so i had to treat him like a drug as well. I stopped talking to him for years. I talk to him faintly now, because he is stuck in that world on and off (clean for 6 months now) but he dont have anyone, his brother died from an OD, his mom died from lung cancer, and honestly I know without me, he wouldnt strive for anything and although its caused alot of issues with my b/f now, I still have a purpose to talk to him.
After getting treatment, and such, I met my now boyfriend in AA meeting. I then moved in with him, and ended up working with him at an on-site maintenance custodial job where we drove golf carts fixing and cleaning a well to do, high up apartment complexes in a high maintenance city. It was out of my comfort zone, but I did it for a while. Then got pregnant.
Mind you, I was told that I may not ever have kids because of hormone issues, which is also why I gain weight so darn fast. PCOS Ovarian syndrome. So when i found out I was prego, I took so may poregnancy tests and was still in denial. So once again my life took another turn for the best. I loved my beautiful little girl ( who is now 7 by the way) and not once will they ever have to see their mom on the street or doing drugs because I choose not to.
Ive had a rough relationship, we argue like many do, and I believe many times I was wronged, but I am still here in this family I created. We are not perfect, but we learn.
After that I had a 2nd daughter, and we have continued to raise these kids, as rough as it can get, sometimes going through some very hard financial troubles, getting laid off, or the utilities getting shut off right in the dead of winter!!! trust me, you quickly learn whats most important, and here we still are yet again.
Like I said before, I still talk to my ex, and I have asked my Aunt to forgive me because even though I have made her get away from that horrible life she lived with that man, I still hurt her. and we are just as close as ever.
I have learned that honestly isnt just done for the others you speak it to, it takes weight off your inside, your soul, and makes you lighter inside and at peace! Do it, make amends, be honest, be right.
Thats why I write this blog, I am not afraid to just throw out information of my life that I have learned from, because honestly, If people never talked about it, I wouldnt be drug free. It took people to be honest about their pasts to help someone as far down as I was. tHIS DOSENT EVEN TOUCH ON HOW BAD MY PAST WAS. It cant be described in words, but you can use your imagination. I believe I get Post traumatic stress disorder directly from reliving images of the bad people I had to encounter out there. I still hate driving by certain streets.
All in all, I gained all my weight back and then some more when I had 2 kids. They I gained even more when I tried various birth control, and I was thrown in a depressed state of mind. I had to figure out once again what I was doing to myself. Food addiction is similar to any other addiction. They all trigger a certain brain function. The experiences may be different, but they all play a role into learning about yourself.
So here I am on spaqrkpeople, a messy house =), 2 healthy kids, and my only worries are losing a bunch of weight? okay after typing this, I think I can manage.
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Happy Sparking, we all have a past, we all make mistakes, but what we learn from it makes us so important!!!