Saturday, January 05, 2013
I'm very negative. I've worked on this for a long time, but I don't think it will ever really change...LOL (no, seriously!)
Crazy, is the word. How did I get so screwed up?
How is not the matter, although it really is a great time suck. I just love pondering all the Hows, Whys, and What-Ifs, especially with a giant bag of Doritos and a pan of baked ziti.
What am I going to do about it? I still don't know and I'm 41...
I lost 11 pounds in the last month. Yup. Right through the holidays. I normally would have gained 25 or so. Do I see that success? No. All I see is the 2 pounds I gained over the last 2 days.
All I see is the wasted time, wasted life. I could have been young and thin, now I'm just old and sick. Even if I do lose, my body is ruined.
It didn't even cross my mind that I'd made it through the holidays and lost. Failure is all I see.
I've dipped below 300 pounds 3 times in the last month, and each time I immediately go into a binge.
What am I scared of? Why don't I want to succeed?
No. Wrong questions.
Right question: What can I do to trick my crazy ass into ignoring the BS and just keep moving forward...
I hate New Years goals. By March I can't even remember what they were.
1. Get back in touch with my body, as much as it grosses me out. Exercise more. Go back to the Y. Meditate. Whatever it takes to be more conscious of my physical self.
2. Try to plan as much as possible. Make sure there are easy ways to succeed. I am lazy and tired. I need to have things ready to go so I don't even have to think about what's for dinner or when I will find time to exercise.
3. Get back to school. Apply for financial aid this spring and sign up for 1 class. Really, it will be ok. Yes, you can take just 1 class. Yes, it will take forever to get a degree. Yes, as a woman over 50 it will be hard to get a job. Shut up and take 1 class.