Need to vent....and a worry.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

I mentioned to my mother this morning on IM that I needed to get up and run, make something to eat, and had a few errands to run before I take her to the doctor. Just conversation, you know? Her response?

"What for? You don't need any of that stuff. Running is going to kill you, breakfast can be just toast, and there is no need for you to go anywhere for anything today--it's too cold and you shouldn't be spending any money. Why do you waste so much time and money on crap that doesn't matter?"

I'm already scared to death to go too far away if something should happen to her. I'm scared out of my MIND to go back to school and not be able to get there if something happens or she feels she needs to go to the ER again. I'm afraid to not have my phone right next to me. I'm afraid to get involved in anything--work, grading, planning, a home project--because if she needs something I need to be able to drop whatever I'm doing and just leave.

So I said, "Well, we'll see." and haven't run yet, had toast and eggs for breakfast and am contemplating a quick run to Target. If I try to take her with me I won't be able to get half of what I need for the complaining she will do about the fact that I intend to buy it.

Is it like this with EVERYONE'S mother? Or is it because mine is older than most and I'm an only child? I mean I get that she doesn't feel great, but taking it out on me really isn't fair.

I woke up afraid this morning. I dreamed all night about coming home to my front door wide open...but the house beyond the door wasn't mine--some of my STUFF was there, I think, and my cats came out when I arrived, but the odd part was that there were people there telling me everything was fine, go on in.

I have no idea what this means. The same dream, essentially, all night. I don't know what to think, but I woke up very bothered...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've learned that it may take not sharing as much. It's not worth an argument, or a guilt trip, or avoidance (because you love and care for her). You are not responsible for her happiness, but you are responsible for your own. If she is making you unhappy with her comments and criticisms, thought it's hard at first, start thinking a little more before you speak and try to anticipate what the response may be and if you're in a frame of mind to listen to it. If not, don't bother sharing your plans, ideas, or whatever particular challenge you're dealing with. Save those conversations to have with someone who can be less critical and more supportive.

    Hang in there. You're a good daughter and she's lucky to have you. The fact that you worry and it bothers you means you truly care. And deep down, try to remember, she wouldn't make these comments if she didn't care about you. (o: But for your sanity, just a suggestion, sometimes when it comes to sharing - less may be more.

    Hang in there!
    1939 days ago
    My mom is the opposite...passive aggressive- ugh.

    You are good person, and you deserve to be healthy. Go for a run for you. Maybe she is jealous or sad or some other emotion that we must make ourselves have empathy about.

    We support you here! emoticon
    1939 days ago
    Just remind her you choose what nursing home she goes to! Kidding. I think this is part of your 'no' challenge. Learning to create boundaries - healthy boundaries. I don't have a difficult parent, and for that I'm thankful. But I have been around people who do - one of my good friend's moms has a TBI and she can be real difficult. Her wedding day was hell because of her mom. She's learned to tell her mom thanks for her opinion but no. Not an easy task by any means - but for her own sanity and health she learned how to do it. Maybe you should just stop telling her what you are going to do? Then you can tell her what you've already done after the fact...
    1939 days ago
    It is so frustrating when you have a difficult parent. Trust me when I say I know about a difficult mother. The negativity brings you down. My mom always made me feel like I could not do a thing right. It is so easy to say, "live your life your way" but when it is a parent, you want to please them and know that they are proud of you. When you feel they aren't it can effect you in every way. I will say that you can only control you so that is where you energy needs to go. Learning how to only worry about things you can control is one of the best skills a person can ever master. It can be a life changer. I also think you should always give it your best where your mom is concerned, then if the "what if" does happen, at least you can live your life knowing you did everything you could for her. My mother passed away after years and years of a difficult relationship. I made tremendous efforts to patch things up and make ammends but I still live with many regrets that I did not do everything I could to get along with her. Anyway, I have probably said too much. Best of luck.
    1939 days ago
    Difficult parent makes for difficult living and it can ruin who you can be.
    I have one, so I know. Nothing ever satisfies for long, and nothing I do is generally completely right. My mother suffers with multi personality disorder so I dont even know who Im getting on any given day AND she lives with me. I feel for you, but cant advise, since Im still trying to figure out how to keep my cool with my own difficult parent.
    1939 days ago
    Why are you hesitating to live YOUR life the way you want to? Just because someone else (I get that she's your mother, but still) didn't think that it was a good idea. You can either live with the "what if something happens" or the "what if something DOESN'T."

    Just do it!

    1939 days ago
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