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For whatever reason, New Year's Day...

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

I'm sure there were LOTs of things going on in my weird little psyche yesterday, but the end result was beginning an off the record books binge. I might try to reconstruct it after the fact just to see how bad it was, but Spark doesn't like me saying I ate the whole set of ingredients at times. Bottom line, I kind of went off the deep end.

What did I do before it started? Well, to start with, I woke up ravenously hungry, which might be an indication of consistent UNDER eating for the exercise levels I've been putting in. I hadn't been conscious of being hungry on the active days, but yesterday morning? O... M... G!

So I ate breakfast early, which moved all the meals a bit earlier. By 11 a.m. I was already starting in on lunch and ended up going nuts.

What was going on around me? Very cold day. Dusting of snow. I went out with the broom, not the shovel, to clear the surfaces I needed to. Stayed out a bit too long and fingers were really feeling the effects when I got back in.

How about mentally / emotionally? That's always the ticket, isn't it?

Since 2012 was such a good year? Complacency and fear were both creeping in. And then I went and looked up starting weights on my calendars for the past years... something I kind of do, first of each new year. And I think it increased the fear factor. Why? Well, take a peek, this is what it looked like, examining only first of the year numbers.

1999: 207.5
2000: 213.1
2001: 205.1
2002: 217.5
2003: 204.5
2004: 179 (I got divorced in 2003, my son had me working out with him)
2005: 203.5
2006: 206

2007: 165 (Son, his girlfriend and I joined a gym together in early 2006 - late in that year I got down to 138.5, which scared the crap out of me, when my sister lamented she wasn't the skinny sister any more... and I started to regain, following a trip over the dog and it starting to hurt to exercise, resulting in...)

2008: 150.4 (it looks lower, but in fact, I was in the midst of a regain)

2009: 192 (continued to gain a bit through May, when I started my current effort to get back to where I got to in 2007... I wanted to be fit again... really badly)

2010: 148.8 (I declared myself in maintenance, but continued to lose through October. I called my maintenance beginning August, but when I declared my goal range it was...)

2011: 122.2
2012: 127 (Most of the year maintained, but had a really rocky Holiday season in November and December... you've seen how 2012 was such a great athletic year, got rid of the rest)
2013: 120

120 on the first of the year. Scary number. This is less than I weighed going into college. This is less than I was in high school. And it's been 3 New Year's days with a starting weight in the 120's.

Why is a "good" number scary? Emotional question. I like living fit. I like me at this weight. But looking at history... to maintain this weight I have to be watching it... all year long. And the rebel in me was coming out, just looking at those statistics.

Bottom line, I let the monster loose, resulting in a lovely sleep during the football game (good game to sleep through)... and feeling full this morning, still. Going to force a healthy breakfast, though. Because experience has taught me that trying to overly restrict the day after such an episode only prolongs the cycle.

So today, practicing the self-compassion that is so much a part of successful maintenance. We all have days. Today, I'm treating me gently.

Because life *IS* good. Spark on! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your 2007 numbers really emphasized the need for working out, at which I am terrible. I will try to improve.
    1930 days ago
    One step backward, two steps forward!
    1934 days ago
  • SHARON10002
    Barb, if anyone deserves a break - you do. You have made some remarkable achievements, and continue to be a compass rose for many of us - myself included. I do believe you have instilled the discipline to have a day like this. See you proved that be getting right back on the track with the next morning's breakfast. You've aced it!
    1934 days ago
    Thanks for sharing a very insightful blog. You've given me some ideas to mull over while I struggle with maintenance.
    1934 days ago
  • DEBRA0818
    The key sentence for me is the idea that the rebellious side comes out when you think about the sacrifices you have to make all year long -- when I think about such things it drives me into a "last time" binge (and of course it's never the last time) which can take me off track for the whole year unless I get back to basics (like you did) and force myself to only think about TODAY. There's a reason why we try to take it one day at a time and you've hit the nail on the head as to why. Good job, Barb!

    emoticon emoticon
    1934 days ago
    I think your blog reflects you have all the insight and skills to maintain. This is great insight to help me with my over eating.
    1934 days ago
    You didn't let loose with the list of what you ate! After my 3100 calorie tell-all I expected the LIST emoticon
    Heck, you know you can have a "day"lapse. It's the day-after-day lapse that will get ya.
    Need to borrow some big girl panties? Mine are bigger than yours emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1934 days ago
  • _LINDA
    Wow! Great record keeping -A Spark article I read says journaling is a great way to keep accountable -having your journey all out there in print is a stark reality check of your struggles. A wonderful reminder of how long it took and how hard you fought until you finally reached a weight you never dreamed of reaching.
    A hard lesson learned -undereating for overexercising leads to binge. Spark's trackers really do work when properly used -when I was doing two to three hrs of fitness classes, I had to get my calories up to 2100 not to lose any more weight. Now I am not doing as much, they are at a more normal range.
    Here is to putting this day behind you and knowing you are a successful maintainer because you can think things out and work through your problems -that is one smart cookie!! You will learn to love yourself at this new weight because it will eventually become like a second skin for you as you see how much it helps you to be light in your running goals! You go Barb!
    1934 days ago
  • SUNNY332
    Yes, you do need to be good to you.

    You have done amazing.

    1935 days ago
    Yes, life is good! And you will Spark On!! Look at all those numbers and all those years you were heavy and how you have overcome. It dwarfs this little slip. That's all it is, a little slip. And you know it. You know what to do. You are doing it!!

    You are smart, too, to think it through and look for the lesson. Undereating when very active is a trigger. As you recognize, we need to eat enough for our activity level. Otherwise our body will tell us to eat! Also look at composition of the food. How was your protein/fat/ carb balance? Healthy fats and healthy carbs? If I have a really, really hungry day my best success has been to eat good regular meals and if still hungry add protein and veggies - like a rotisserie chicken and Steamfresh Broccoli or broiled cod and brussel sprouts.

    Last week I had a struggle. This week I'm feeling invincible -- like, I've got this; it won't happen to me again. But really I know it is very unlikely that I've lived my last day of going over my calorie range. (Although my streak of days within calorie range will grow and grow!!) And it helps to know that really, really smart and very, very wise people like you have their struggles, too.

    Hoping you wake up tomorrow refreshed and feeling healthy!! Regards, Marsha
    1935 days ago
    Once again, you provide me with behavioral echoes that resonate in my life. This time, the echo of eating normally even if that pushes calories higher after a binge. I knew this was important for me, emotionally, to get back on track after a lapse. Your experience validates that for me.

    You will pick yourself up and recover. I have confidence in you. You'll do it, because you want to be fit, you understand how to do it, and you're worth it.
    1935 days ago
    Self-compassion indeed: good call.

    Key you figured it out: key you're moving on.
    1935 days ago
    Great Blog and Thanks for sharing. emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Yep ... getting back on the "right" track is the surest way to just keep chuggin' along. There is no requirement in Life to be perfect, just to not stop trying! I'd say you are a WINNER! emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Sometimes getting a leash on the monster seems
    impossible but once done, calmer heads prevail.
    Love yourself and the day will go much better.
    But you already knew that. HUGS!
    1935 days ago
  • DR8561
    I know exactly what you mean about the fear. I feel it every time I get within 10 lbs. of One-derland and find some way to sabotage myself. I really want to get past that this year. You did the smart thing to just start over with your plan today. One binge can't undo months of good work. emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Wow, Can I understand your fear. I have never lost ALL my weight. I would get close but never accomplish what I had set as a goal. Everyone would say Oh you have lost enough, Why do you want to lose more. You get the idea. I let myself be derailed by fear of losing the weight and what would be expected of me than. Still don't know why I feel the fear and probably won't ever know but have decided that is not the problem. My problem is giving up on me. I commend you for not giving up on yourself. Where you see fear I see determination and the courage to keep going, on learning that you can do what ever you set out to do. Enjoy your life and look at what you have done and know how proud and happy we are for you.
    1935 days ago
    Heh! your not alone I'm sure your not!! "Tis the season" and we all have some "twinkin" to do starting off the New Year.
    I had the flu and am still battling it. Lost 2lbs.!! I'd trade you in a heart beat right now. Coulden't even finish my cardio blast DVD choices # 1 & 3 with Coach Nicole this A.M. Gave it my best shot but it was a sorry sight as I collapsed on the bed. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I worked out(not so).
    Anyway, thanks for sharing Barb and keep us posted as to what worked best for you here. emoticon
    1935 days ago
    You are so right, we do all have days like that. Be good to yourself, forgive yourself, and move on. Maybe your body was just crashing from all the exercise and not enough calories. Or maybe there is some other reason. But I know you will move forward and not make this a habit. You're not going to go back to the places you were. I've so often wished that I could be one of those people who can eat anything and not gain, or who don't get cravings or get very hungry and can pick at foods. But I'm not. So I know that when I do get to maintenance, it's still going to be a year round thing to keep it and not to go back to what my life was like before. Glad you're feeling positive about life today!
    1935 days ago
    I agree about eating normally. I always think it is a double mistake to go on a binge then to stop eating good food to make up for it. You know what you did and you know how to recover. No problem.
    1935 days ago
    " But looking at history... to maintain this weight I have to be watching it... all year long. And the rebel in me was coming out, just looking at those statistics. "

    This is what so much of maintenance comes down to, understanding and learning to accept (maybe learning several times to accept) that sometimes there is a price we must pay to be thinner and healthier.

    But this says it all:
    "Because life *IS* good. Spark on!"

    Sometimes we stumble, struggle, get up, see if we can learn from our mistakes and try again. This is especially true during and after the holidays, it seems. Trying to figure out what triggered a binge is pretty hard for me, but there are still lessons I can learn and the most important one is moving on without recrimination. I'm so glad you are being compassionate with yourself for being human. You are a huge success and a true inspiration to so many.

    1935 days ago
    We are human, we sometimes get scared and sabotage ourselves. We may not ever know why, but are aware it can happen. Whatever the reason for the little slip, you are on top of it and will turn it around. You are already on your way! emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Thanks for the peek into the life and times of a successful dieter! For you, it's not a diet, but a live-it, and I commend you.

    A slip-up?? Well of are human. But getting right back in the saddle is what makes you one smart cookie. Um, I mean, one smart bowl of oatmeal!

    Happy New Year!
    1935 days ago
    Look @ all you've been through, but more importantly . . . look @ all you've accomplished! You know what to do and are prepared to do it. One day doesn't have to derail the rest of your sparky life, and clearly you see that too, so that's good!

    HUGS and hope today is a better day for you.
    1935 days ago
    WOW, just WOW - three years in the 120s. I think this would be enough to scare the crap out of anyone, lots to live up to, lots to think about. I applaud you for letting us peek into your life, you are living it to the best, fullest and absolutely the most "realest"!
    1935 days ago
    Yes, self-compassion is the key. I love how you have carefully thought through what was going on mentally, emotionally and physically that could have led to the binge. Now you have knowledge and understanding that will be useful the next time similar situations arise.


    Oh, and I had the thought ... New Year's Day is a day of transition. I've always found transition periods difficult food-wise. The most likely time for me to veer off of my healthy plan is after work ... a transition from work to home. Or on a Sunday night ... a transition from home to work.

    Just my $0.02 adjusted for inflation. emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Wow, those are some great statistics there. 120, wow.

    You're having an off day, big deal. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

    Famous last words, but you know the drill. Today is the day that is in front of you.
    1935 days ago
    Boy, you have had one journey for sure. You have done a terrific job. We all slip and slide but as you have learned it's all about are attitude after and how we get back to just good old sound healthy eating that counts.
    Do have a terrific day getting back on track.
    1935 days ago
    Thanks for sharing this!
    I loved how you looked back on your weigh throughout the years, and how well you reflect on yourself, and you already made conclusions.

    I also like to treat myself gently. There are enough challenges out there to cope with, so for myself, I am nice and gently. Still, I keep on track, but in a gentle way.

    2013 will be a great year!
    1935 days ago
  • KANOE10
    Self compassion is the key. Treat yourself well today and enjoy the day. You have made such strides in your life! You are an inspiration.

    Today is a new day! I like the 20s trying to maintain 128..It is the lowest i have been in year.

    1935 days ago
  • DALID414
    Thank you for your honesty. It helps reaffirm that my fears of hitting my goal weight and the maintenance of it are a real issue.
    Be kind to yourself everyday.
    1935 days ago
    Won't it be fun to 'figure out' what the journey is all about? As my Crucial Conversation's email suggests, in "Conquering the Weight Loss Plateau", - "Be the subject and the scientist."

    I'm still a 'range' person, letting clothing be the the indicator and deciding the 'heavier' side of the range is better for me.

    I know you know what is best for you!

    Namaste my friend - Life is Good!
    1935 days ago
    1935 days ago
    no one is prefect get back on the wagon like you are and move fwd you got this and i see a lot of love on this page!
    wow ur smaller now then you were in Highschool You are my frist sparkfriends and friend in general that can say that...pretty cool!
    1935 days ago
  • GABY1948
    Barb, I have to agree with all the others, go easy on yourself! This is JUST a learning experience! that is the difference in you and a "normal" binger! Which you are NOT. I bet your tummy feels awful today, doesn't it? Speaking for myself, that is how I feel if I have a binge anymore...yet is younger days of constant bingeing day after day my tummy was just used to it! Each day felt the same. My favorite aunt (actually favorite person in the world) was very thin naturally, yet on a holiday when she did overeat (not even that much) she got up the next day and would hardly eat anything that day because her tummy felt so bad. For years I did not think I would ever have that recognition...but I DO and I bet you do too.

    I also understand about exercising too much...recently we had a lot of construction done and I did some of it too so got tons of cardio...and spark even warned me on my nutrition/cardio pages but I didn't listen...then I started "bingeing" too...but didn't really gain from it so I bet you can get back on track without much problem too.

    Thanks for being such an HONEST inspiration! I am so glad that we met!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1935 days ago
    You came a long way.Give yourself a break at time
    1935 days ago
    You have done amazing but can I just ask... would it be so hard to not have to be as diligent always on top of things, if it makes you a tad calmer and not as worried if you allowed yourself some wiggle room. I am not saying let it all out and eat but still exercise, but I felt sort of bad for you when you said I have to be watching it all year long....
    Now I have no experience in this just what I felt, total feelings. Cos I haven't lost more than 20 lbs and kept it off, luckily never have gained past 200 either, seems to stop for me thankfully. So right now at 184 I am on my way down, hpefully to 140-150 but don't know.
    HUGS and I could be totally off the mark, or maybe that bit of leeway may scare you more than being diligent would.
    HUGS and you will do great again this year.
    1935 days ago
  • SAMI199
    My first response was going to be-no big deal-which one day is not,but I do get the fear factor that goes along with the out of control feeling. Thanks for your honesty-I know it helps me.Here's to a better day & a Healthy & Happy New Year!

    1935 days ago
    Life is Good thanks for sharing
    1935 days ago
    It's a new day. It will be better.
    1935 days ago
    Hey it's okay to break away now and again, your lifestyle is one of health and vitality Barb so don't fret hun
    1935 days ago
    Wow! You are a great record keeper! It is in many ways comforting to see your journey on the "first days." This year I am somewhere around your 2005 mark, but as you show us in such a glorious way, it doesn't have to always be that way. And, your openness in sharing that even at 120 (a weight I cannot even fathom for myself) you still beat yourself up for an occasional "binge" is astounding!

    I agree with the others who say, be kind to yourself. Your journey has been long and I'm sure difficult at times...but, in the end so very successful. If I wrote the blog you just did, you would likely say something like, "It happens. Enjoy that you now have the wisdom to continue on your journey in a positive way. I hope you enjoyed it!"

    Best to you, Barb! You are truly a role model!

    GinaBug emoticon
    1935 days ago
    Give yourself a break and move on. You relaxed on the first day of the new year! It's a lot of hard work to maintain. One day is not going to make you 200 lbs again! And you are smart enough to not let it keep going.
    1935 days ago
    One of my spiritual practices is called The Pact of Mercy. It basically boils down to this: if I am going to be able to love the people around me every day, the people I live with (The Hubster), my co-workers, my close family members, I have to forget about their foibles and weaknesses. I know them too well. In order for me to love them, I have to see them with new eyes, as if I never saw them before. I offer them mercy for being human.

    Not that you asked, but I think you need to be merciful with yourself. You are not the woman you were in years past. You've learned much. Today is a new day. See yourself with new eyes and all the fresh possibility that goes with it.

    You deserve it.
    1935 days ago
    emoticon Oh Barb!---I am happy to see that it took you a long time too---Maybe eventually I'll get there too--Spark on m,y vfriend!--Great Blog-Lynda
    1935 days ago
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