Monday, December 31, 2012
Hello friends. I haven't been around in some time. I have limited internet access and work has been crazy so I don't have as much time to Spark as I would like. I've also been struggling with my emotions through this holiday season and that tends to make me shut down a little.
I was in bed a few mornings ago feeling pretty down and I couldn't put my finger on the emotion but I knew it was always there with me day in and day out. So i just laid there until it came to me. Yes, there is a little bit of sadness and frustration but that's not it. What I feel is RAGE. Pure rage. Every time it tries to make its way to the surface, I try to stuff it down or talk myself off the ledge. I do all sorts of mental exercises to be positive. I never fully let it take hold. Then I had my "oh sh*t" moment. I thought: why am I trying to stifle it? Maybe it won't go away because I refuse to acknowledge it. Maybe I need to embrace that monster and ride with it and that's exactly what I did.
I'm furious at myself for letting my body get to this point. I'm furious I settled for so much in my life instead of having the courage to go after what I really wanted. I'm furious I made bad choices that put me where I am right now. I'm furious that I've let so many men mistreat me. I'm furious that sometimes feel lost and confused and mostly I'm furious at my ex for robbing me of financial security.
Since my son was born, I've worked so hard to secure a safe, comfortable, happy life for him. It was so lonely and scary and took sacrifice on my part but day by day, choice by choice I did it. I provided a home, transportation and basic needs. Then in a matter of one year this S.O.B comes in and takes it all away by totaling my car, leaving me a car payment and not giving me one stinkin' dime for all of it. Oh and did I mention the jerk wrecked my NEW car two times and made up some bullcrap story about how it was the other drivers' fault? That time he did pay. I wasn't letting that slide. Then he moved out, stiffed me for two months worth of bills, never paid me back for his part of our 10-day vacation and carried on with cheater girl like no big deal.
So something I took 15 years to build, he destroyed like it was nothing. And what the F does he care anyway? That idiot has never supported himself a day in his life. Before me, he depended on his parents to drive him, help him gain employment, shelter him and provide a home. (Yes this is a man approaching 30 who didn't even know how to drive when I met him). So now here I go again putting my life back together while he lives comfortably back with his parents without a care in the world.
How is that fair? How is that O.K.? It's not! Many have said forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, turn the other cheek, karma is a b*tch, don't let yourself become bitter and angry.
Well guess what? I don't care what anybody says or thinks.
The rage keeps me strong. It's powerful. It's like a fire. It cleanses.
I don't want to turn the other cheek. I don't want to see the bright side. I don't want to forgive. F him and F what he did to us and F' me for being a chickensh*t about so many things. We didn't deserve it. I do NOT deserve this. I WANT to be angry. I need to be angry at him and at my situation. It's about damn time I got angry and took back my life.
It's this, this rage, that has kept me alive, kept me going, kept me strong these past few months It's the rage that has kept me from contacting him. It's the rage that says: Don't be such a cry baby. Get your a** up and go to that gym and I don't want to hear your excuses about why it's ok to eat that cheeseburger.
It's the rage that has given me the guts to finally, at the age of 40, go after the life I want and deserve. Perhaps there will be a time for peace. But now is not that time. I will no longer try to make the rage go away. I'm fighting for my life on every level and the rage is my ally in that battle. It's what I must endure to create the life I want. It's the fuel for my engine and I will not relent. I will not release it. I will not forgive. Now is not the time. Now is the time to fight. To stand up and get what I f'in want. And you can believe in 2013 that's just exactly what I'm going to keep doing.
Keep Sparking my friends and to all of you, I hope you find that rage monster that keeps you going.