Monday, December 31, 2012
Hello friends. I haven't been around in some time. I have limited internet access and work has been crazy so I don't have as much time to Spark as I would like. I've also been struggling with my emotions through this holiday season and that tends to make me shut down a little.
I was in bed a few mornings ago feeling pretty down and I couldn't put my finger on the emotion but I knew it was always there with me day in and day out. So i just laid there until it came to me. Yes, there is a little bit of sadness and frustration but that's not it. What I feel is RAGE. Pure rage. Every time it tries to make its way to the surface, I try to stuff it down or talk myself off the ledge. I do all sorts of mental exercises to be positive. I never fully let it take hold. Then I had my "oh sh*t" moment. I thought: why am I trying to stifle it? Maybe it won't go away because I refuse to acknowledge it. Maybe I need to embrace that monster and ride with it and that's exactly what I did.
I'm furious at myself for letting my body get to this point. I'm furious I settled for so much in my life instead of having the courage to go after what I really wanted. I'm furious I made bad choices that put me where I am right now. I'm furious that I've let so many men mistreat me. I'm furious that sometimes feel lost and confused and mostly I'm furious at my ex for robbing me of financial security.
Since my son was born, I've worked so hard to secure a safe, comfortable, happy life for him. It was so lonely and scary and took sacrifice on my part but day by day, choice by choice I did it. I provided a home, transportation and basic needs. Then in a matter of one year this S.O.B comes in and takes it all away by totaling my car, leaving me a car payment and not giving me one stinkin' dime for all of it. Oh and did I mention the jerk wrecked my NEW car two times and made up some bullcrap story about how it was the other drivers' fault? That time he did pay. I wasn't letting that slide. Then he moved out, stiffed me for two months worth of bills, never paid me back for his part of our 10-day vacation and carried on with cheater girl like no big deal.
So something I took 15 years to build, he destroyed like it was nothing. And what the F does he care anyway? That idiot has never supported himself a day in his life. Before me, he depended on his parents to drive him, help him gain employment, shelter him and provide a home. (Yes this is a man approaching 30 who didn't even know how to drive when I met him). So now here I go again putting my life back together while he lives comfortably back with his parents without a care in the world.
How is that fair? How is that O.K.? It's not! Many have said forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, turn the other cheek, karma is a b*tch, don't let yourself become bitter and angry.
Well guess what? I don't care what anybody says or thinks.
The rage keeps me strong. It's powerful. It's like a fire. It cleanses.
I don't want to turn the other cheek. I don't want to see the bright side. I don't want to forgive. F him and F what he did to us and F' me for being a chickensh*t about so many things. We didn't deserve it. I do NOT deserve this. I WANT to be angry. I need to be angry at him and at my situation. It's about damn time I got angry and took back my life.
It's this, this rage, that has kept me alive, kept me going, kept me strong these past few months It's the rage that has kept me from contacting him. It's the rage that says: Don't be such a cry baby. Get your a** up and go to that gym and I don't want to hear your excuses about why it's ok to eat that cheeseburger.
It's the rage that has given me the guts to finally, at the age of 40, go after the life I want and deserve. Perhaps there will be a time for peace. But now is not that time. I will no longer try to make the rage go away. I'm fighting for my life on every level and the rage is my ally in that battle. It's what I must endure to create the life I want. It's the fuel for my engine and I will not relent. I will not release it. I will not forgive. Now is not the time. Now is the time to fight. To stand up and get what I f'in want. And you can believe in 2013 that's just exactly what I'm going to keep doing.
Keep Sparking my friends and to all of you, I hope you find that rage monster that keeps you going.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Man Ive been there before car wreck, bills, cheating... took me two years to clean it up.
1992 days ago
Rage is an extremely powerful emotion and can be as motivating or damaging as you allow it to be. I know we have talked about each other's struggles and how similar they have been. I go through stages where what you have written is the commentary that goes through my head.
I encourage you to harness that rage and use it to fight however, proceed with caution. As I said rage is an extremely powerful emotion. It can consume you before you even realize what happened. Don't let it manifest into something deeper. When you start into the "I'm angry at myself for allowing him to do that" leads into some very dangerous territory. Allow for all his wrongs to empower you, but don't allow yourself to be eaten alive by blaming yourself.
You are an amazingly strong woman! You have taken the wrong road at times but you are taking control of your life now. Don't forget the lessons your past has taught you but at some point you will have to pull yourself out of the past because that's not your life anymore. However it happened, it happened.
Balance your rage with love. Love for yourself. Love for your son. And don't forget you are beautiful.
1992 days ago
GIRL, SH*T I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS, IT MAKES ME CRY JUST TO READ ALL THESE WORDS, B/C HONEY I BEEN THERE, CONTACT ME SO THAT WE CAN DO WEIGHTLOSS/GIRL CHAT.
TAKE CARE HONEY AND THANKS FOR BRINGING BACK MY TEARS,GRRRRR (LOL)
YOUR NEW WEIGHTLOSS GIRLFRIEND,
(yahoo im: belton_lynn)
1992 days ago
Fight hard, because YOU do deserve it!
I hope 2013 is your year of change!
1993 days ago
Sometimes getting angry is what you need to do to get over a hurdle. Sometimes turning the other cheek isn't the right thing to do at that particular moment.
Using that rage and anger as an ally and to your advantage in this situation is a good thing. I too have gotten mad. I've gotten mad that I let myself get like this. Let that anger fuel you to a better you physically and emotionally. When you are done being angry you will feel nothing for this a$$hole who did this to you. I hope that this anger will fuel you to never let someone else do something like this to you because you do deserve better!! I hope that this journey will make you stronger in every sense of the word!!!
Here's to an 2013! Yesterday was day of the beginning of using that anger to your advantage!
1995 days ago
Wow, this was such an amazingly powerful blog. Thank you so much for your honesty! Although I have not been what you have been through, I think I understand a little of the rage you feel, against myself and against others who have mistreated me (and more rage against myself because I LET them mistreat me!) It is a powerful tool if it is used constructively, and it sounds as if you are channelling yours in the most constructive and helpful of ways. it's much better to let it out and use it than let it linger and fester inside you, creating an infection on your soul that may never heal. More power to you, girl! I know that you will achieve all that you set out to achieve, and that you will reap the benefits of what you sow. Let's rage on and take 2013 by storm!
1995 days ago
Wow, a very powerful blog! BELIEVE!!! You can do it, and you will get it all back!!
1995 days ago
Take the energy from the rage and channel it into creating a positive 2013 for you and your son.
1996 days ago
Get angry girl! Let all that rage drive you. Once you get past the rage, you will feel nothing for this s. o. b. that fueled your rage. I have an ex that screwed me over as well, the sucky thing about my situation is: I still have to deal with him because we have a child together. I never get to truly get him out of my system. Our son is the best of both of us and the only good thing that came from our short marriage. I just told you that not to compare, but to let you know I understand completely how you feel. I really do. I to had to pick up the pieces and start all over and learn to be independent and not to count on any one. It makes it very hard to trust again.
Here is to a much better and skinnier 2013! CHEERS! I really hope to get to know you better this year!
1996 days ago
Fantastic inner perspective here. We all need to find this rage. It is healthy and just might be that push we need. Thanks for the blog.
1996 days ago
Wow, powerful blog! I relate to alot of it. Living well is the best revenge!!
1997 days ago
We all learn by our mistakes...and I too have made so many. One of which is my excess weight and when I think of it, I get MAD too. Why did I let myself go like that-never got out and enjoyed exercise with my husband! Then our health started to get bad because of that! When I see either one of us start to backslide, I get so mad! He gets tired of me nagging at him! I refuse to go back-with 65 pounds gone-worked hard to get here and will not gain them back! It takes that rage to keep you going sometime! And coming into SP when you can to inspire and help you with your journey-never give that up!
I have had some family that have treated me like dirt in the past, the bad treatment & remarks led me to say - enough of this and dropped them from my life! There is no excuse for any human being to treat you like that man did and doesn't deserve another thought about him! Same with my family!
I saw this Will Smith quote and someone's page the other day and I just love it!!!! My new mottos:
"Stop Letting People who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings & emotions"!
Also, Mark Twain's quote: "Don't make people a priority who treat you like an option".
Lets make 2013 a better year and move on and feel healthier, happier & wiser!
1997 days ago
Many things are feuled by rage. Sometimes the rage will be more motivating than kind words. It gives you a drive to achieve what you want with sheer determination to get there.
I had part of your rage. The fact that I too was angry with myself for my bad health and mental attitude. It fueled me to what I did this year. Remember how I see this. It is not a journey for me. It is all out war. That has never changed.
Well not to turn this into a comparison study but we have a lot more in common than you know. Use that rage to do the things you need to do,wether it be nutrition,working out or turning it into something positive for yourself.You don't have time to dwell on the past situation. Get angry and get past it.
Weak men squander the truly great things that they have. Selfish in not giving of themselves and nurturing a good relationship that is staring them in the face.
to a better 2013. It is time.
1997 days ago
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