SELF-VALIDATION!!! I am enough :o)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Dang… I haven’t posted a blog in over a year. Obviously my focus has been elsewhere and given the current state of my life that focus was certainly not planned, organized or as beneficial to my life as it should have been. Which brings me here… Here to a place where I have lost my good habits, my organizational skills, my direction, my firm body and sharp mind.
Well it is time to reclaim myself!!! As I prepare to embark on a new path for 2013 a look back at the last few chaotic months is necessary. I was thrilled when in April 2012 I finally finished my undergraduate degree in social-cultural anthropology at the non-traditional age of 42. As a single parent of seven (yep 7) children, I was so proud of the superhuman focus and determination that feat required. My days were organized from 5am to 10pm ensuring the proper balance between commuting the hour each way to Brigham Young University, my studies, work, time with kids and the ever important time for myself. I was diligent and determined to achieve everything I wanted. Less than 10 days after graduation I had a good job and packed my children and household up to move from Utah to Phoenix, Arizona.
Arriving in a new state with children out of school for the summer proved to be a huge challenge. I not only had to adjust to a new job and schedule, but I couldn’t get my kids on a good daily routine. I quit working out daily. Sure I tried for a while to visit the local club and tried to enjoy a morning jog, but I was in h*ll!!! It was literally 90 degrees at 5:30 in the morning. YUCK!! Excuse #1. I was tired, rundown, mentally dull… Then in August, with more free time for myself I decided to start dating. Let’s just say that I got a little dating crazy. Knowing no one in the area meant I turned to dating sites. Looking to find the purpose I had unconsciously lost, it became so important for me to meet someone new every night. This kind of fun and attention was something I hadn’t experienced in 18 years!!! So Excuse #2 not to exercise, take care of my home and play with my kids became “I’m too tired!!” Thank heavens I met a nice man I really care about who was more intent on moderation and starting as friends. I found there really wasn’t a void to fill; I just needed to get the focus back on myself and the things I knew I should be doing. Slowing things down reminded me of something I had embraced for several years prior.
I DON'T NEED VALIDATION FROM ANYONE BUT MYSELF. Yep, that’s right. My opinion of myself is the only that matters. Well and maybe my children's too. I began noticing a natural trend toward the lifestyle I had embraced for so many years. I recognize that it is what kept me sane, balanced, focused and able to accomplish the things that I wanted. My life doesn’t work right if I am not that person. I don’t want a repeat of the pandemonium that has been my life the last eight months. I actively choose to mold and shape the person I want to be. I begin my master’s program at the start of the New Year. If I’m not my old self I will fail in my endeavors. Plain and simple. Something or things in my life will suffer if I am not organized and balanced.
I am enough! I chart the course that will determine what it is that I accomplish. I alone determine what is important for myself and my children and I live my life in a manner that keeps me in-tune with those important goals and values. So as I look forward to the New Year, I declare my responsibility and intent to live the life I want. I will never again give up on the mental acuity and focus I achieve through taking care of myself physically. I will never again fall victim to disorganization! I realize that there must be some spontaneity in life (hello 7 kids remember??), but I am more equipped to handle it if I am working a plan. I will remember my course and life design through postings on mirrors, closet doors, goal posters and prayer because the life I want is so much more entertaining and enjoyable than the bedlam which could be my life!!!