Just processing my thoughts or - long and rambly (as usual)
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Well my break is half over already and I've accomplished next to nothing except that I haven't killed my kids. Which is saying something. My husband has been working out of the house and we're currently down to one vehicle so we've been stuck at home. Plus my dad is visiting right now. There aren't strong enough words in the English language to explain how crazy my dad makes me. We have never had a good relationship. As much as I'd love to write about 5 paragraphs worth of examples of why I struggle to do anything but scowl and grit my teeth whenever I'm around him, I'll spare you. He loves my kids and they love him. So here he is, staying indefinitely or as he puts it, "till my daughter kicks me out". Oh would that I could. But I can't.
Anyway, I always tell myself that if only I wasn't working, I'd be able to get so much more done and be so much more on top of my weightloss. This is true and not true. At least I'm able to mostly stay on top of the housework. Just the basics I mean. Which doesn't happen when I'm working. The house just looks more and more like someone ransacked the place until the weekend when I spend my entire Saturday and most of Sunday putting it back together and I really resent that. I am not a great parent. I had terrible examples of parents. I don't know how to get my 2 and 4 yr old to pick up after themselves without a lot of screaming. And that doesnt usually work either. And I know consistency is the key but sometimes I am just too worn out for consistency and its easier just to do it myself. I beat myself up quite a bit for what I perceive as my failures in parenting but I still don't know what I'm doing. No really, I don't have a clue. I'm totally winging it.
So the point is (sorry this is a rambler as per usual) I'd give myself a B for how well I've done with housework but I haven't done any of the deep cleaning stuff I fantasized about being able to do and of course my eating and fitness has been terrible. I spend so much of the day making meals, getting them snacks, cleaning up potty training accidents, refereeing fights and picking up after them and/or arguing with them to clean up. But really that's no excuse. I know I could make time if I wanted to. I haven't wanted to.
Which is really scary. I haven't been on the scale...oops just remembered I was supposed to weigh in today for FFF and I didn't. Anyway... Now that I'm thinking about it, I was 168 on sat but then a couple days later I was 166 which I was pretty pleased about but I've eaten out like 3 times since then plus made cookies. So who knows. I'm scared to try my new pants on cuz if they don't fit I'll be so upset. But I know the only thing to do is get back on track. I'm so impulsive though! I have every good intention in the world but then I get in my mind that I want a cookie or popcorn and I just go on autopilot until after when I beat myself up about it. Even if I do have some rational thought like, hey I shouldn't do this. I'm only gonna regret it, I just can't find the willpower to fight off the craving. And I wasn't like this a few months ago. I wasn't having bad cravings at all then. It's pretty scary. I'm afraid I'm gonna gain a bunch of weight back and not be able to stop myself. I just have no desire to work out. None. And no energy either. I just feel cold and sluggish all the time. I know it's just mind over matter but I'm really struggling with it. I have a hard time making myself do things I don't want to do...which is why I'm fat.
The good news is I ran today. Ran/walked. That was my first time out in probably 2 weeks. I had to go. Kids and my dad making me want to scream. I felt lots lots better after. But in general, I'm just getting so bored with it. I keep telling myself its cuz I need better shoes and I'm sick of running in the neighborhood. There's nowhere good to run nearby me and I don't have a lot of extra time to drive somewhere and run. Especially now when it gets dark so early. I'm thinking about joining the y again. I did it 2 summers ago and I liked it. It has some good and bad aspects. For one thing, it's super crowded. And I'm super self conscious. I have a lot of social anxiety. I sort of panic in new situations. It was a huge huge victory for me to be able to join and go in the first place but it still stresses me out. It's not like I overcame my fear and now I'm fine. Every time I go, it's a struggle. The reason I stopped was because I started back to work and it was too much of a hassle to get over there after work. And that's still true. I really want to do some classes though. I want to try spinning. I miss Zumba. I feel like I need some variety. And I need something like a class to push me. Also, id like to have the treadmill option for running in the colder months. Plus, in the winter, there is nothing to do with the kids. At least we would be able to go to their indoor pool. And they could go to the child watch area while I work out. But I feel guilty that they are in daycare all day and then I would abandon them to another babysitter for an hour in the evening. I feel like that's not enough family time. A couple months ago when I was really working out, I was doing it mostly right as they were going to bed so that I wasnt taking time away from them. I mean I guess I could go to the y at that same time but there wouldn't be any more classes at that time. Plus, we really don't have the money. I would have to wait till we got our taxes back anyway. And I already have an elliptical which I spent so much money on that I feel guilty for not using more but I'm just not into it! I know that's terrible. I have to do workouts I enjoy right?! And I'm just not feeling that right now. It doesn't mean I'll never use it again. Im so mad at myself about it. I was so convinced that I would use it all the time. But it's just not as good as the ones at the y. And I got a really good at-home model. Really good. But it's still just not as good as the one at the gym and I've never been able to get into it. I've used it a lot. But then I started running, which I never thought would happen. And running feels like something I can keep improving on. I can set goals and work towards them. I don't get that from the elliptical.
So yeah I ran but I'm still not eating great. Trying to concentrate on more water and more vegetables. Starting small again. Still not tracking! I'm just too impulsive. I throw things together without measuring and then drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out. I made this soup and was trying to put it all in the recipe calculator yesterday. That is the biggest pain ever!! I spent like an hour trying to figure out how many calories are in a can of diced tomatoes and I'm on my iPad cuz I fried my laptop and the iPad is so difficult to do sparkpeople with. And plus sometimes if I switch between tabs, when I go back to the first tab, it wipes everything out even though I didn't do anything that would cause that. So that's what it did yesterday. Everything I logged for the recipe, gone. Like an hour of work. So enfuriating. So I gave up. I wish I was better at this.
Also, I was thinking about making a Facebook page for my weightloss. Some of my real life friends are really inspired and like hearing about my progress. But sometimes I feel kinda douchy posting too much about it. I don't want people to think I'm bragging. So I thought maybe a separate page would be good and ppl can follow if they want. And I can post fitness related stuff without feeling like a loser. And then I could follow other ppl too. The thing holding me back is that that's all just more time on the Internet. And I can't do Facebook at work cuz it's blocked. That's where I mostly do my sparking cuz I have a lot of down time. Anyone else have a fitness page for me to check out?
I guess that's enough rambling for now.