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Just processing my thoughts or - long and rambly (as usual)

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Well my break is half over already and I've accomplished next to nothing except that I haven't killed my kids. Which is saying something. My husband has been working out of the house and we're currently down to one vehicle so we've been stuck at home. Plus my dad is visiting right now. There aren't strong enough words in the English language to explain how crazy my dad makes me. We have never had a good relationship. As much as I'd love to write about 5 paragraphs worth of examples of why I struggle to do anything but scowl and grit my teeth whenever I'm around him, I'll spare you. He loves my kids and they love him. So here he is, staying indefinitely or as he puts it, "till my daughter kicks me out". Oh would that I could. But I can't.

Anyway, I always tell myself that if only I wasn't working, I'd be able to get so much more done and be so much more on top of my weightloss. This is true and not true. At least I'm able to mostly stay on top of the housework. Just the basics I mean. Which doesn't happen when I'm working. The house just looks more and more like someone ransacked the place until the weekend when I spend my entire Saturday and most of Sunday putting it back together and I really resent that. I am not a great parent. I had terrible examples of parents. I don't know how to get my 2 and 4 yr old to pick up after themselves without a lot of screaming. And that doesnt usually work either. And I know consistency is the key but sometimes I am just too worn out for consistency and its easier just to do it myself. I beat myself up quite a bit for what I perceive as my failures in parenting but I still don't know what I'm doing. No really, I don't have a clue. I'm totally winging it.

So the point is (sorry this is a rambler as per usual) I'd give myself a B for how well I've done with housework but I haven't done any of the deep cleaning stuff I fantasized about being able to do and of course my eating and fitness has been terrible. I spend so much of the day making meals, getting them snacks, cleaning up potty training accidents, refereeing fights and picking up after them and/or arguing with them to clean up. But really that's no excuse. I know I could make time if I wanted to. I haven't wanted to.

Which is really scary. I haven't been on the scale...oops just remembered I was supposed to weigh in today for FFF and I didn't. Anyway... Now that I'm thinking about it, I was 168 on sat but then a couple days later I was 166 which I was pretty pleased about but I've eaten out like 3 times since then plus made cookies. So who knows. I'm scared to try my new pants on cuz if they don't fit I'll be so upset. But I know the only thing to do is get back on track. I'm so impulsive though! I have every good intention in the world but then I get in my mind that I want a cookie or popcorn and I just go on autopilot until after when I beat myself up about it. Even if I do have some rational thought like, hey I shouldn't do this. I'm only gonna regret it, I just can't find the willpower to fight off the craving. And I wasn't like this a few months ago. I wasn't having bad cravings at all then. It's pretty scary. I'm afraid I'm gonna gain a bunch of weight back and not be able to stop myself. I just have no desire to work out. None. And no energy either. I just feel cold and sluggish all the time. I know it's just mind over matter but I'm really struggling with it. I have a hard time making myself do things I don't want to do...which is why I'm fat.

The good news is I ran today. Ran/walked. That was my first time out in probably 2 weeks. I had to go. Kids and my dad making me want to scream. I felt lots lots better after. But in general, I'm just getting so bored with it. I keep telling myself its cuz I need better shoes and I'm sick of running in the neighborhood. There's nowhere good to run nearby me and I don't have a lot of extra time to drive somewhere and run. Especially now when it gets dark so early. I'm thinking about joining the y again. I did it 2 summers ago and I liked it. It has some good and bad aspects. For one thing, it's super crowded. And I'm super self conscious. I have a lot of social anxiety. I sort of panic in new situations. It was a huge huge victory for me to be able to join and go in the first place but it still stresses me out. It's not like I overcame my fear and now I'm fine. Every time I go, it's a struggle. The reason I stopped was because I started back to work and it was too much of a hassle to get over there after work. And that's still true. I really want to do some classes though. I want to try spinning. I miss Zumba. I feel like I need some variety. And I need something like a class to push me. Also, id like to have the treadmill option for running in the colder months. Plus, in the winter, there is nothing to do with the kids. At least we would be able to go to their indoor pool. And they could go to the child watch area while I work out. But I feel guilty that they are in daycare all day and then I would abandon them to another babysitter for an hour in the evening. I feel like that's not enough family time. A couple months ago when I was really working out, I was doing it mostly right as they were going to bed so that I wasnt taking time away from them. I mean I guess I could go to the y at that same time but there wouldn't be any more classes at that time. Plus, we really don't have the money. I would have to wait till we got our taxes back anyway. And I already have an elliptical which I spent so much money on that I feel guilty for not using more but I'm just not into it! I know that's terrible. I have to do workouts I enjoy right?! And I'm just not feeling that right now. It doesn't mean I'll never use it again. Im so mad at myself about it. I was so convinced that I would use it all the time. But it's just not as good as the ones at the y. And I got a really good at-home model. Really good. But it's still just not as good as the one at the gym and I've never been able to get into it. I've used it a lot. But then I started running, which I never thought would happen. And running feels like something I can keep improving on. I can set goals and work towards them. I don't get that from the elliptical.

So yeah I ran but I'm still not eating great. Trying to concentrate on more water and more vegetables. Starting small again. Still not tracking! I'm just too impulsive. I throw things together without measuring and then drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out. I made this soup and was trying to put it all in the recipe calculator yesterday. That is the biggest pain ever!! I spent like an hour trying to figure out how many calories are in a can of diced tomatoes and I'm on my iPad cuz I fried my laptop and the iPad is so difficult to do sparkpeople with. And plus sometimes if I switch between tabs, when I go back to the first tab, it wipes everything out even though I didn't do anything that would cause that. So that's what it did yesterday. Everything I logged for the recipe, gone. Like an hour of work. So enfuriating. So I gave up. I wish I was better at this.

Also, I was thinking about making a Facebook page for my weightloss. Some of my real life friends are really inspired and like hearing about my progress. But sometimes I feel kinda douchy posting too much about it. I don't want people to think I'm bragging. So I thought maybe a separate page would be good and ppl can follow if they want. And I can post fitness related stuff without feeling like a loser. And then I could follow other ppl too. The thing holding me back is that that's all just more time on the Internet. And I can't do Facebook at work cuz it's blocked. That's where I mostly do my sparking cuz I have a lot of down time. Anyone else have a fitness page for me to check out?

I guess that's enough rambling for now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    FB page sounds great! Could be the new motivator that you may need.
    The tracking is so hard for me too. I make lots of homemade soups and stir fries and it's hard because I'll just put a little of this and a little of that until it looks good. :/
    Too bad these fit bits and such that track your calories burned can't somehow scan you and track your intake as well. :P
    2002 days ago
    You sound like a great parent and you don't give yourself enough credit for it. Give yourself an A ! -that you deserve for being a caring parent and for the darn housework (you do the best you can and its the holidays-so give yourself a break!) Please don't feel guilty about the daycare..if it's that you are doing things that improve your life, then it just makes you happier. A happier more content person is a happier parent. And yes, join the Y if you need the extra push. All n all I think you deserve a medal for trying and caring about everything in your life. Your family is lucky to have you. emoticon emoticon
    2002 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/30/2012 12:13:40 AM
    When kids are that young I think we're all winging it. It will get a little easier as they get older. Have you ever had your thyroid checked? Some of the symptoms are being cold and sluggish. I hope you find something that works for you to get you back on track! emoticon
    2003 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922
    I will start by saying, look how good you felt after your run? I know I don't always feel like exercising but when I get into it, it actually makes you feel better! If you can find some time, you should get some in because it can help. Kids can drive you nuts and so can family visits, but you have to find some time for yourself. Take care of yourself because you deserve that! It is a struggle but just keep fighting the good fight and you will be just fine. Keep your chin up!
    2003 days ago
    You'll find your own path. It gets easier. Glenn
    2003 days ago
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